Baked

I am going to use the word "baked" to describe not only my skin after tanning today, but also my mind after hours of reading philosophy, taking my somalyze, and drinking some Kava.

For those of you who aren't aware of the amazingness of Kava, listen up. This stuff should not be legal. My roomie Ellen got some of this brilliant brew via the Yogi Tea brand - at the beginning of the semester and I've only dabbled with it a few times, but it's so legit. It tastes quite funky, but in a nice little way (also since when did I start caring about taste of all things?) Then stack that with some somalyze and a few tablets of zinc magnesium and whoah it's like drinking wine. By this I mean it does not taste like wine, but a slow deep feeling of sleepiness starts setting in and it's so warm and your limbs start feeling heavy. Mmmm, like right now.

As for the pink glean I'm sporting, it's the after effect of the tanning bed. I was really hoping not to burn but maybe it was just inevitable. Today I did the stand up instead of the lay down because I know from past experience that you can develop trigger points... and I kinda just wanted to mix things up. Yesterday afternoon I was supposed to tan (instead of today) but I totally messed up the times and Becky and I arrived too late. So I skipped home for literally 15 minutes and realized that I haven't been home in months. I don't even know what my parents must think of me, or of all this. We don't really talk about it, and when we do it's hard for me to not get impatient. That's my fault. It's hard to convey to them what this is and how much it means to me. My Dad was just asking simple things like height classes and the like and I was just getting so antsy thinking "I can't believe I have to explain this". But that is the wrong response totally. Now, my response to my mom ranting about yogurt, and oreos (omg I want some so badly!) was totally legitimate. I wanted to gouge out my eyes, or my taste bud memories.

Now here's a bad idea: watching Julie/Julia. I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea at all. I think my mental pathway was channeling the idea that it would be nice to see someone else obsess over food. But then when I started watching it... seeing them talk about food, enjoy the food, look so happy... it disturbed me, but I couldn't look away at all! Part of it might be because it's about a girl who finds herself through a personal project and blogging. I just love this quote from Julia Childs: "All I think about all day is food and all I do is read about it all night." [P.S. Jane Lynch plays Julia's sister. I love Jane Lynch]

Let me clarify that I don't actually think about food that much! What I really think about is the terrible cardio. I switch between the thoughts of competition and school very often. If school gets too stressful I think about figure and if the cardio gets to bad I think about school. Maybe it's not healthy to switch inbetween stress thoughts, but its what happens. Recently I've been calling upon certain friends in my life to reassure me that what I'm going through isn't the end all be all. I also have been needing more talking through about life changes. Yes, 4 weeks 'til the big day, then 7 weeks 'til my next show... but guess what... in between that... graduation is supposed to happen. So what happens next?

Today I behaved moderately domestically, which is because I had just a little bit of time. Bought a utensil organizer... you know the ones people put in their drawers. Yep, we didn't have one of those. Got a tub to keep my tupperware in and a little box-like thing to store my spices in. Things are looking more homey in here... if that's possible. I'm surrounded by cinder blocks and college noises, scents, and people. Jamey likes to joke how it's like living in a prison. When a door opens he'll say "Cell Block C opening!" Hilarious. I love how empty Wake is right now and I'm not going to relish the influx of everyone again. Can't wait to have a real apartment like a big girl. When is that going to happen? Just another part of my about-to-graduate mental sludge.

The scent of lemon-garlic chicken cooking in the crockpot is lulling me to sleep (or is it the somalyze?) Today after I ate my favorite meal I felt so sad wondering "why does it always end?" But guess what? Tomorrow morning there will be more food. There is always more food. At least tomorrow there isn't any cardio :)