Finding my Flourishing

O.M.G. What is that I see running up the inside of my wrists... could this be vascularity? There is still no sign of the coveted bicep vein but, (I am pretty sure I'm not just convincing myself of this), I am getting more vascular! It's a really good feeling when there are all sorts of negative feelings floating around the University these days. Yes, the stress has spread like an airborne epidemic to all nooks and cranies of this cornocopia of knowledge. Part of the pressure this week is caused not by coursework, exam expectations, or fears of failure. A lot of this is peer perpetuated - it's the most wacked out version of peer pressure you can imagine. Even if I have nothing to fear (which I don't) hearing everyone else's fears is freaking me out. I am getting a bit overwhelmed by the negativity and anxiety that other undergrads are putting on me. This needs to stop. I will be avoiding this at all costs - almost as much as I am avoiding doing more work than necessary. Do not talk to me about your exams. The end.

I made myself a promise yesterday to treat myself as I deserved. This promise what reiterated this morning while I franticially prepare for my shift at the library. I was rushing out of the room, late as usual, with a cup of coffee in my hands and my 35+ backpack, 5lb cooler, water bottle, protein shake, etc, etc. Apparently I flail around while I walk because 1/2 of that coffee ended up on my legs in a splotchy mess that looks like a poorly applied fake tan. No more of this. No more unnecessarily early mornings with not enough sleep for a paycheck. No more hastily huffed breakfasts and walking almost a mile to get to work in the morning. No more of anything that makes me want to scream and rebel against the world. While I know that I only have 1 week (yes one) left and "a lot to do" in a little amount of time, I am done pushing through this. I am putting down my pack, as Jamey calls it. No more of this foolishness. I've worked my a** off for 4 years straight (summers included) to get to this point and now that I'm here I refuse to work any harder. While others were chilling and partying I was busting this butt. With 30hrs over my minimum graduation requirement, I am in little fear of failing. It's time to get some sleep. What I need now isn't a high gpa or honors or anything like that - it's recovery time. I have a small window of time to build my muscle and, by god, I'm going to! I deserve this. And if for some reason my entire four years of preparation goes down the tubes over a few days of laxidazicalness then WTF?! I'll take some time off and finish whatever it is I need to this time next year. But seriously, I dont' care what anyone else says or thinks or knows. This is my life and I'm tired of being run over by it. Don't even TRY explaining to me that it's just another week of hard work. That's another week of my life that I don't want to lose, and yes, my life is that important to me.

It occurred to me that I haven't quite explained how my workout schedule has changed over these past few weeks. With my current hypertrophy schedule I am working out with heavy weights 5 times a week and doing 5 days of 30 minute cardio. Monday and Thursday I do legs. Tuesday is shoulder/arms, Wednesday is Back & Conditioning (Prowler), and Friday is chest/triceps/shoulders. For the last few weeks I did intervals everyday except Friday and this week I am switching to intervals MWF and incline T/TR

In anycase, I am off to do more than survive the day. I want to flourish.