Looking Forward

Oh pillow, we will rendezvous later ;)

Recently I've been feeling like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders - but it's not the world, it's just school. I'm in that ever-familiar circumstance most undergrads experience where no matter how much time you are putting into studying or focusing on school it just doesn't seem like you're retaining anything. This, my friends, is caused by the big baddie: stress. Stress, stress, stress - it permeates every mitochondria in my mind and muscles. For people like me who don't know how to stop and take a breath and who don't really know how to relax or take "me" time, stress is just about the worst thing you can throw into the mix. I am quite successful at avoiding person-related stress. I just remain my anti-social self, getting human contact via the 'net, through my figure/fitness friends, and brief conversation in class. Otherwise, I don't have time for your drama. School stress is the most evil because it is "false stress." What I mean by this is that no one is going to die if I don't pass an exam - not even me... but somehow, someway, it seems like I will die if I don't. I need to graduate. This need is stronger than my stress.

I have a stress strategy to deal with this: sleep. I feel like my usual 7-8 hours a night isn't nearly what I ought to be getting. 10 hours would really be ideal, but until my night shifts end, and I stop being a slave to WFU, I will not be able to get the entire chunk in one go-through. As such, it is time to supplement with copious amounts of napping! I have never had the opportunity to nap before, as my schedule was too jammed packed. But, with exam week weirdness going on, all the campus shifts are getting moved around and funkified. Also, Kim has a lot going on mid-day so we've moved my usual 12pm workout time to 9am, which leaves 11am-3:00pm MWF this week open for napping (I mean... I'll be studying then, just with my eyes closed is all). I think one of the reasons (among many) that I've been so tired/depleted/drained even with all these carbs is that my building makes me need much more sleep, rest, and relaxation. Well I'm going to make the very, very, very tough decision to put aside my selfish tendencies to be an extreme overachiever and give my body what it needs. You might not see how difficult this is for me, but other brainiacs here at Wake can empathize. It's almost like a badge of honor when you can conquer your HW on absolutely no sleep, running off the energy of 3 packs of red bulls. Yeah I've been there before. Never again.

Another strategy I employ is "looking forward." I remind myself that if I can just get through these next couple of rough weeks then all the things I am looking forward to will come into fruition. I imagine a whole lifespan free from classes if I so desire. I imagine never wasting a single thought on something that only matters for a silly grade. I think of living with Heather and having my own room for the first time in my entire life. I imagine going to sleep and not worrying about someone waking me up, disturbing me with their loud parties, or wanting anything from me. I dream about her beautiful dishwasher where I can deposit my tupperware at the end of the day and not worry about hand-washing and drying each one just to re-soil them hours later. Maybe one day I'll even have nice tupperware that doesn't rip and tear after a few months of continual use. I think about us curled up on her couch with blankets watching Glee together and playing with her doggy. Maybe one day I'll be able to go to bed at 9pm and not have to wake up until 6am! Oh there are so many hopes and dreams that I have in my back pocket to whip out and stare at while I wish away these last few weeks at Wake. Of course I imagine myself back up on the stage, strutting my stuff and placing in the top 3. Yes, this is what I imagine when the week looks bleak. Only 'til next Tuesday do I have to rue my life. Then I am freakin' free of this place! Before I know it I'll be on my flight to SLC to visit Jamey and meet his crew. [P.S. If you are a figure competitor in UT who wants to meet up let me know!] And then I'll be getting ready for Governor's School and 6 weeks of ultimate fun with amazing youth from NC all ready to get the smack-down from Art TAC extraordinaire, Antonina Whaples. It'll be good to see the old gang and 2 weeks into the whole sha-bang I'll be back on stage! Yes, I think if I keep looking forward I'll be able to manage this tragedy of the moment.