fitNasti has been up to her usual ways this weekend - working the library, earning the big bucks! Yesterday was spent mostly getting my life back into some semblance of an order and realizing that there is about an entire month and a half worth of school work that I just simply do not remember doing. There I was, sitting at the reference desk, staring at my japanese vocab list thinking "wow, I remember this section exists, but that's about all I remember". Well it's too late to think about that! There will be no more learning here folks, just cramming. It's the cold, hard truth! I hope someone out there with the ability to eat doughnuts will eat a bit fat one for me this Wednesday to celebrate my last day of undergraduate classes ever. Oh freedom is so close and yet so very far away.
Drawing of SB cup on my Japanese notes...I am very ashamed to inform my readers that I almost cheated last night. My energy level was super low and I had just gotten back from the library having eaten the last meal of the day. I was supposed to meet with a group to work on a project and no one had shown up. I felt so weak, so tired, and so frustrated. Under my bed is a shoe-box with some protein bars from the Arnold in them. There it was in its shiny purple plastic wrapper: my temptation, a chocolate mint Myoplex bar. I started rationalizing to myself why it would be ok for me to eat it. It was just protein after all, and I am building... and I need my energy.... and stop, wait, how many carbs are in this thing? Is this really going to make me feel better and give me more energy? What if I have an allergic reaction? Will this mess up my digestion? If I just put it back and walk away I won't even notice, right? Right. I walked away. But I was so disappointed in myself for even wanting to cheat and going far enough to rationalized to myself why it would be OK. It is never ok. Once you give yourself the license to cheat you can never take it back. As Jennifer wrote in her recent blog post:
First off, it is my ass in a bathing suit (if that is what you can call that thing) on stage for EVERYONE to stare at. It will be MY ass that jiggles if I eat that one scoop of ice cream. And frankly, if I cheat once, what will keep me from cheating again? It is like Pringles, you can't have just one. If I don't win, I want to stand on stage proud knowing that I worked as hard as I possibly could to be where I am. If you have that one cheat, you will BLAME yourself for that forever.
This isn't the first time this week that I haven't felt up to my normal standard of total determination. Thursday after working out I felt so super depleted and gross and all I wanted to do was skip my cardio, skip class, and skip work and just lay in my bed all day long. It was such a strong desire. First I started getting pissed off that I wanted it, then I was mad that I couldn't do it. I worked it all out in my head too: how I had barely missed a day of class all semester, how it didn't really matter at this point, how my paycheck could handle it (it can't by the way), etc. I even texted Jamey in probably the whiniest ways I ever have. But, in the end, I went about my day in the same way I always do. And it's not even that my head isn't in the game either.... I'm not sure where this is coming from but I want it to go away. Ellen told me that I'm just human. This is true. The most important thing is that I didn't give up and I made it through. That's just how it goes.
This morning my sister Becky came over so that we could go to early morning mass together and spend some quality time together. Even tough we work similar shifts at the library it seems like we never get much time to talk or do anything. At least I get to see her! After mass we dropped by SB and I got myself a much-needed Americano. (What is up with my energy levels being so low?!) Then we dropped by Whole Foods so I could get a bitty bit of grocery shopping done. We picked up my 3 lbs of bison for the next few weeks and my coconut milk. I've been using almond milk in my shakes but we're switching to coconut milk for the electrolyte benefits. It'll be good. Over at Harris Teeter I got myself a bag o' white russet potatoes. Now why would fitNasti, ultimate enemy of the carbohydrate/starch, be buying 8lbs of potatoes? Well that's because I get to have a 1/2 of one post-work out with my shake now. Jill has decided that I need a little more uumph after my totally killer sessions with Kim. This should keep me from wanting to faint mid-class 30 minutes after my workout! After all, I'm not a hard gainer, so let's put some muscle on this baby!
Becky eating my breakfast concoctionThen I got to make Becky some breakfast - I fried her up some bison and sweet potatoes and added a little butter and cheese to it to make it not so super-clean ;) Kinda reminds me of the concoctions I would convince Jamey to eat (that were always good I might add). I topped it off with a cup of chai tea, sweetened with honey and my remaining few tbsps of almond milk. She seemed to enjoy it, and I enjoyed making it! Talking about food - why does it seem necessary to bring donuts, caprisun, and muffins to Sunday cleaning at the gym. Is that just supposed to be ironic or what? fitNasti is not a fan.
Foolishness.
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