Extreme Meltdown

I feel like since the beginning of competition prep, all the way back in January (before the time of the dinosaurs), I've been a very good little girl. Sure, the times have gotten scarily tough and I've spent my fair-share of time crying in bathrooms and being frustrated. And other than the week after my first competition, I haven't had significant full emotional breakdowns. Well that was not the case yesterday. I had a full-blown Chernobyl-style nuclear meltdown. It had been a pretty long day already and unfortunately despite me doing no cardio I was down to the energy level of a slug by 3pm as per usual. After training Maria and venting at Kim for a while I headed over to Harris Teeter to pick up some low-sodium Goya black beans because during my trip to Lowes earlier I couldn't find any. Well, as soon as I pulled into the parking lot I realized that I couldn't find my wallet anywhere. I flipped out. I mean I FLIPPED OUT. I started hyperventilating, crying, hitting things, yelling in the car, beating my head against the steering wheel. I was NOT OK. I was ANGRY. I am usually one of those people who when they're angry will just let it sit inside until it puts itself out (or I cry for a long time), but apparently this wasn't the case yesterday. I wanted to throw a brick through a window or murder a small animal or something. I was steaming. I was out of commission for a full hour blubbering and wanting to destroy property. When I finally settled down I called Heather and we went on a search for the wallet and eventually found it in the library. I felt like such a jerk. A total jerk. How had I let myself come to this? I remember this one section in Dave Tate's "Raising the Bar" where he talks about how you waste time by being pissed off. How, in the end, how does it change anything. You've just wasted your time. I know Dave, I know. But I feel so much better this morning after having my major agression-fest yesterday. I feel some actual closure to all the things that have been going wrong for so long. Sometimes it just feels like I am running a never-ending marathon of pain and suffering and if I ever stop to wonder why, or question it, it just makes the run that much harder. As we know, you either do figure right or you don't. I want to do it right. I also want to be a good person, a kind person, a functional person. Sometimes I wonder if I can achieve this when I'm so overwhelmed by all the things that come at me. Sometimes I wonder what the net-effect of behaving this way is. It's just time to pull myself together and move forward. I know that's what I always do, but I guess it's just the only thing to do. At least I feel a little better.