The Hope of Progress

Well I think it's pretty clear that there have been far too many positive posts up on this blog in the last week or so - it's time to throw some nasti into this, because after all, this blog is my vent tool.

Here's the deal ladies: I am 22 years old. Do not do that whole "you are so young, your metabolism is so great, yadda yadda, you're lucky etc" thing to me. Ahem: false. In this sport being older is better. Why is this? Two words: muscle maturity. If you are in your 24+ age range and just starting into the sport you are going to look a lot different than a (barely) 22 year old starting into it. This is especially true if you've lifted weights recreationally. The muscles in a mid-twenties female have had more time to adapt and increase in density. Even if you have never picked up a weight at age 24 your reaction to weight lifting will be fairly different than a 22 year old student's. This is why even at an 8% bodyfat on stage I looked less "hard" than the other girls around me. [Granted, not being as carbed up as I should have been affected this as well]. In some ways I have the advantage that if I stick with this sport (which I intended to do) by my mid-twenties I'll be very hard with great muscle maturity. However, coming into shows with women who, at their first show, already look significantly more "hard" than I do is sort of intimidating. It cheers me up to know that in a few years I'll be really spot-on, but it's also sort of an in-the-moment let-down. It's hard to see other girls excel so swiftly with what seems like less effort and more gain. I've talked with many other competitors whose cardio routine is very low and who get to enjoy carbs for long into their diet. 2 hours of cardio and no carbs for 2.5 months? Yeah, that was me. It sucked.

And people who think that being 22 somehow makes my diet easier: hell no. First off, I am at College and while you might think that changing your eating at work, or on the weekends, or whatever is hard I bet you haven't tried it in a dorm, with stovetop burners from the 1960's. I also bet you haven't been kept from sleep by riotous parties or exam week stress. Have you ever tried to write a 12 page philosophy paper with no carbohydrates? Have you ever tried having no carbohydrates for months at a time? I am tired of comparing my diet with other peoples'. Mine was hard as hell, deprived me of sanity, made me incredibly tired, and did affect my ability to function and my mood. If you are one of the lucky uber-sane on a diet people I do not need to hear about how mightier-than-thou you are. Yay for you, I also bet you've never had IBS, lactose intolerance, or problems with grains. Yeah I don't even get nuts ever, so don't whine about how tough things are when you get a tbsp of peanut butter in your protein shake. And if you're 4 weeks out from competition and snarfing on a pudding cup then you can kiss my 150lb prowler pushing ass. Sorry, I am happy for you, I really am. I respect your true dedication and the effort you've put in. I realize that it's hard for everyone and that everyone has different levels of what hard is. I'm just saying, it's been a rough road and still is. The ending of my first competition doesn't mean everything changes and I just get to eat whatever I want. I don't even get a cheat meal because my system truly cannot handle it at all. I know in the long-run this might help me, but sometimes it's depressing to know that you want that snickers bar sooo bad but even if you did eat it the repercussions would be more than just messing with the diet. There'd probably be hives and regurgitation too. That's the life.

Then when the clouds are dark and dismal, I remember I have one little advantage that many other girls do not: I am a gainer. Kim and I are a lot alike in this regard and sometimes we refer to ourselves as freaks (in an endearing way). Yes, I am one of those rare women who somehow puts on the muscle. Even on a hypertrophy diet I am eating super clean (still paleo dieting) and not getting an excessive amount of carbs because if I did I would just start putting on the fat. Many women who are "hard gainers" spend an awful lot of effort and enjoy an awful lot of food trying to put on a few pounds here and there. I guess it's alright to always be a little hungry with a mega-strict meal plan as long as I'm making progress. Sometimes a lot of competition feels like a waiting game. I'm waiting for my muscle to build and densify, waiting for hypertrophy to end, waiting to really absorb the technique of posing... It's so much patience and foresight. In weaker moments I wonder if this is something I should keep doing if I am not going to rise to the top anytime soon, or if muscle maturity is so far away, etc, etc. Then I remember that the habits I set for myself now will make training and competing in the future when I'm prime just that much easier. I realize that this is a lifestyle choice, a desire for an ever changing future-me that will always be better than the day before. How crazy is that? Every day I improve myself physically through this training. Even when I don't see results right away, even when I have to be nerve-wrackingly patient, my body is making little changes to make itself better.

It's not just about the body either, it's also about the mind. Training and discipline gives my life the sort of structure I need to feel safe. I need safety, especially when so much in my life is changing right now. Graduation, no matter what your plans are, is somehow a life altering event. The feelings I have now are conflicting and far-reaching - it definitely effects my mood and perception about training and myself. I know in a few weeks things will probably be different and I'll have a whole new perspective on what's going on. But that's what keeps me going: the hope of progress.