2 days ago
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Is This Normal?
I just whimpered at a picture of cake in an Oprah magazine. Actually whimpered - it sort of shocked even myself while I sit here in the dead silence of the post-exam library. I am not feeling ok by any means. I have two really strong feelings most of the time 1)utter exhaustion and 2)anger/frustration. I am fairly sure that 2 stems from 1. Is this normal? When I talk to other figure girls I know they get a little woozy the last few weeks, but is everyone else feeling like total shite 24/7 all the rest of the weeks? I mean I feel like shit. I have no idea how I am moving my fingers to write this, let alone do the heavy lifting I pumped out this morning. I've been feeling like I'll faint most of the day. The feeling is overwhelming to the point of tears. I just stare vacantly at other people as they talk to me - or get angry because I don't want to respond. I hope that people walking by ignore me and do not say hello, because the energy for chit-chat does not exist. I can't decide whether crying or punching my fist through a wall is a better solution - the two feelings sort of well-up inside me wanting to burst out, but lacking the necessary fuel. I don't understand how I can feel like this and nothing has really changed about my diet. I've even been getting more sleep. I haven't changed anything except for being less stressed out. Am I somehow missing something here? I really thought that school ending would help, but so far I only see declines in energy and mood. What is UP with this?! CAN THIS PLEASE STOP? Why is it that everyone else seems so energized when I feel like lying down in the middle of Davis field in the rain while I deliver books to Scales just because I can't bear another step? I don't understand this! Where did all of my energy go to? I actually had some just a few days ago, and just like the mysterious sock monster steals away feet cushiony goodness, so something enigmatic has stolen my energy mojo. When I get off work at 5pm I am eating my last meal, driving home and somehow not killing myself or someone else on the road, and hitting that bed at 7 - the minimum 2 hr break between last meal and sleep. This is the only way I can imagine handling this.
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