Time Warp

Ever feel like a day is more like a week, and a week is more like a month? It seems like time expands and contracts however it pleases when you're training. Sometimes I can't wait to get those reps cranked out and over with, other times I am sad that each one goes by so quickly and my training session is over before I know it. Often cardio is the longest, most grueling part of my day - if you ever wanted time to stand still, just get on a treadmill and watch those little red numbers tick away. They will never tick fast enough. There are days, like today, where I am so jacked up about my workout - I'm loving the pump, feeling the reps, excitably talking to Kim about whatever crosses my little brain. I think what jacked me up today was how yesterday ended. After getting off work, I convinced my sister to come with me to meet up with Kim & Josh and flip the 180lb tractor tire we've gotten for the Miller Center. Maria met us there too and we all took turns beasting it out with the bad-boy. The most encouraging thing was seeing my sister take on the challenge of flipping it. Her courage and tenacity really inspired me. It reminded me of what I love so much about this sport - I love that feeling of accomplishment - of knowing that you've improved. When I look at Becky I see so much potential and I wonder if other people see that in me. I wonder if there are people on "the outside" looking in and thinking of all the places I could go, of all the things that I could do. I didn't realize it until yesterday, but I really do think of people in their "potential form" - I feel like the people I care most about I care so deeply about because they realize what they have NOW and what they CAN have with their hard work and dedication.

I worry at times that I am the classic "dust/burn" that Dave Tate talks about. A person who flounders in the dust, living in a sort of hell unless they have something they can power through. I worry that I am a selfish person, only concerned with my own dreams and needs - people make the comment a lot that this is a selfish sport. I wonder where the line between self preservation and selfishness is... and I wonder if I've crossed it. Sometimes I hear myself talk and I'm tired of listening - I feel like I say and explain the same things over and over again. Granted, people ask me similar questions about the sport, or new people who've never seen me eat wonder what I am doing. I've in some ways lost the energy to give full explanation and I wonder if I do myself, and other competitors, a disservice by not being able to bring myself to the challenge of representing figure appropriately. The worst is wondering if I ought to be doing what I'm doing - if I "belong," in this sport. Maria is always telling me to never doubt that I belong up on that stage- and to never let anyone undermine my self-confidence in that fact. But have I become too self confident, or am I too self conscious? At times this sport seems like the ultimate mind game - what can you talk yourself into and what can you talk yourself out of?

I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I keep comparing myself now to myself "this time" last competition. I'm trying to understand my body, understand the process, understand how to be better and more competitive when I hit the stage - but am I TOO focused? Should I just ride it out? Ignore it? How do you learn to let go of your obsession - I feel like I think about it all the time and the real issue is that I don't want to stop... but I think it might not be healthy. At the same time, competition is the only thing grounded in my life right now. So many things are changing and so many of the people in my life are changing. Rapid change. How can I deal with this? Do I just let it slip through my hands? Stop to enjoy the moment? Power through it? What do you do when you need something or someone to rely on, but life keeps throwing a curve ball and your too involved in ducking and dodging to hang onto anything? I am either on-edge and anxious or sluggish and exhausted. I'm not upset or unhappy, I just feel weird. Are any of you feeling weird too?