I know it doesn't excuse me, justify me, define me, or lessen me as a person, but I have depression. It's been an off and on problem for me for years, mostly off in the last few years, and now with the advent of my graduation and new life shock it's back on. I admit that I am ashamed of this, that I am embarrassed to have depression. No matter how much I tell myself that it doesn't make me a bad person or dysfunctional it's really hard to feel that way. It's been a long, hard month of crying every single night (poor Jamey has put up with so much) to finally admit this to myself. There's only one place I've ever had these particular feelings before, and that was in the depths of serious depression about three years ago. It's ok and I'm ok. I'm getting help and I'm moving on up. I'm battling this as hard as I battle anything else, and I know it's different this time around.
As far as competing goes I'm still working on this June 26th show. Right now I'm focusing on the little accomplishments and trying to keep a smile on my face. Sometimes I can't help but break down crying on the treadmill - cardio traumatizes me and I'm not sure why. I sure do hate it with every fiber of my being, especially after weights. It'll be ok. I'll be ok. I'll just keep telling myself that until I conquer this 100%
In the meantime I apologize to anyone who I've offended or kept out of the loop. I hope that this serves as an explanation for my absence and my negativity. This surely is a war I hope you fitNasti fans will help me battle.
You WILL be okay and you're in my thoughts! I have been down the same road too many times to count. If you need someone to cry to, please call, I don't mind at all.
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