End of Week Two

Ok, so my internet out in the west is completely useless which makes my life utterly dull 90% of the time. This little adventure to the land o' boring has left me stir crazy, pissy, and annoyed most of the day. That's because most of my day is spent cramped in my little room running out of books to read. Right now I am down to the choice between a barfmygutsout cheesy summer read that I'm already 25% done with, OR contemporary art theory. Ugh. I hate not having a job, friends in the area, frenemies in the area, or basically anyone to hang out with who doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes out (like the dude who told me he was doing a figure show in Nov and I asked him when his sex change was going to be - poser)

I've been going to this gym that apparently is the Mecca for college students wanting to strut their stuff. Never before have I seen so much eyeliner outside of a Bobby Brown mall booth. Also there are a few women there who clearly compete and think they are hoooott shiiitt. Well good for them, I guess that's totally deserved. I, however, look like a tool in my neoprene belt with weight lifting belt combo (I totally trust this will keep my waist itty bitty but I still hate how it further highlights my lameness). No one should question my dedication as I lug around my little purple & green shimmery medicine balls to do my grueling ab routine with every day. I am really proud of the progress I've made with that so quickly. Last show I barely did any ab work & this one I am killing it. Since I was pretty happy with my ab development last time I'm pretty sure this will be retardly good ;)

However I still get anxious every day before I hit the gym. Not sure why, maybe it's the embarassing 20lbs I have to lose before next show. I know I look great, but when I see those other show-ready girls flaunting their stuff I can't help feeling insecure.

It also doesn't help that I have noooothing to do. It's been the summer of waiting on Jamey to get off fires (which is super infrequent) and having plans fall through. That's why I am so determined to do this prep right. No more zombie, I refuse to feel sick all the freaking time. I have 6 months to ease into my show shape and I'm in 100% despite the scared little self that peeps out everytime I show up at the gym.

Progress is keeping me focused. I was able to put on a lot of muscle again from last show, where I am fairly sure my body became extremely catabollic & I got scrawny, not ripped. Sure I had muscles & some definition, but I was wasting away, not getting where I needed to be. But now, even 2 weeks in I can see changes. My pants are feeling a little loose, I can see and feel where all my tie-ins on my legs are going to be. My legs are going to be shredded. I can already see the multiple levels of muscle under the layer of cellulite ;) AND there are craaaazy veins just floating under my skin. I can see them all, it's only a matter of a few pounds before they all pop. They are everywhere too, from my legs all the way up to my arms & shoulders. I think ab veins might even happen!

This is the main thing going for me when I feel self conscious, embarassed, and fearful about being able to do this right (not get sick). Veininess is almost here!

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