fitNasti

"It's a lifestyle, not an event"

2010-10-25T10:42:00.002-04:00

"It's a lifestyle, not an event" - I heard someone say this at a family get together this Saturday and it completely summarized what I've been thinking and feeling.

This last month has been an absolute blur. It started off in whirl with Jamey and I packing up from Utah and making a week's trek back across the USA... camping. At this point in time I was still convinced that I was going to compete and do the Arnold in May. After a week of eating half rotten food out of coolers from the back of the car and stopping every twenty minutes to pee on the side of the road (I can now do it without getting my shoes, ask me for pointers if you need to, ladies), and hiking down & up the grand canyon (and sleeping on rocks) on a figure diet... I knew it was a sign from God that I could not sustain this lifestyle. And why should I? Figure isn't fitness and it isn't even fat loss. I firmly believe that you can look just as good off stage as on stage and I'm embracing this new found belief.

In fact, this past month I have been all about creative clean eating and I'm reaping in the results. Without the stress & pressure of the stage I am starting to enjoy going to the gym again and even don't terribly mind my self-imposed cardio. I even discovered that I love hiking. After our 3,000 vertical feet descent into the Grand Canyon, camping out on a plateau with other hardcore hikers (did I mention we slept on a rock?) and then ascending the next day... I found the secret endurance I've been hiding from myself. I feel so lucky to have seen so many beautiful sights and done so many great things that I would have missed out on this summer if I had been tethered to a figure diet/prep routine.

I am all about FUNCTIONALITY now! I've figured out all sorts of little tricks to keep me eating clean. It's so easy when you're not obsessed with grams of this and grams of that. Sure, I might not be NPC nationals physique quality anytime soon... but I still look hot & I'm on the way to my skinny jeans all over again. This time I'm smiling, laughing, and getting to spend time with the people I love.

AND I have newly discovered energy for many things that I love and had to put to the side when I was competing. I decided to get back into my art and did a lot of nifty sketches during my travels. I even illustrated the cover for the new My Gym Fitness for Kids 6-pack that just came out and was featured in family circle magazine. Oh, and the MGF at Home for which I modeled is also out. I feel like a super star. Getting back into art helped me rediscover a whole side of me that was itching to come out and play. I've even decided to go to graduate school and get my MFA in a few years (yes I still need some down time from school). I also have energy for the new puppy that will be coming into Jamey and my life in about 4 weeks. Our little buddy "tickles" is a bull mastiff pup who won't be little for too long. He'll be a great motivator in the mornings and evenings when he wants a roam around the new neighborhood that Jamey and I will be moving into next weekend.

We've procured ourselves a quiet little corner of the world in eastern Tennessee on about 7 acres of land with a big fenced in backyard and lots of privacy. We have farmer neighbors who will come in handy when I need advice on how to raise the coup of chickens I will be rearing in the next year (rhode island reds!). Jamey is going to build me a custom chicken house :) Eventually we'd like to have some goats too in our little healthy haven. You best believe there is a lot of gardening space too. It's sustainable, healthy, and clean living all around for us as we start this super exciting new chapter of our lives.

I still can't believe I'm not in school like many of my friends and siblings. I'm also getting used to not having a billion jobs, and I really miss that! I've been job searching my little (ok, it is SO NOT little) butt off the last month and still searching.... just looking for a few part time jobs until I go back to school (I know I'd become obsessed with a "real" job). Right now the Piercing Pagoda at the Johnson City Mall is looking very promising.

Now that my life isn't in turbo drive I should be able to post more regularly about my little adventures. Trust me, there is still tons of fitNasti moments in my life (I am sure there are in yours too).

Where you are & where you are going to be

2010-09-30T10:49:00.001-04:00

If there's one thing I've learned this summer it's that no matter where you are or where you are going to be, you need to be about YOU. I think it's really unfortunate that unless you live in a particularly protected life you need to beware of people who want to take advantage of you. If you are young and sweet and putting yourself "out there" (like lifting like a maniac in the gym) people will notice and even though it sounds jaded, you're probably someone's target.

Well I'm tired of being a target & while I don't want to be perceived as a biatch I also know that perception isn't actuality and so if you make me put on my mean face you've probably done sometting significantly innappropriate.

Like what is up with these trainers at the Gold's gym here in SLC? I have seen some of the most unprofessional behavior especially from the male trainers. It's like training is just a conduit to getting some play. I've watched as trainers prey upon the insecurities of their young female clients - waving bodyfat% and the scale in front of their faces as "motivation" as they workout. I overheard one guy prying information about a girl's sex life in between sets. She clearly was already intimidated... you think she's going to want to go back to the gym? And then there are the ones who pull up their shirts to show of their abs & point to what they are using. So gross. What happened to training someone for fitness & wellness? I guess it's just secondary to looking cool and getting laid. Whoa, mature & someone I want as my role model.

And that just brings me to my most recent annoyance, people who want to get in shape... I mean just want to LOOK like they are in shape and not have to work to get there. The only reason they even want to look like that is to get a little action. Really? I hope when I get to NC I can leave these sort of people behind for good. Because the next person who messes with me isn't going to like what happens.

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End of Week Two

2010-09-24T19:17:00.001-04:00

Ok, so my internet out in the west is completely useless which makes my life utterly dull 90% of the time. This little adventure to the land o' boring has left me stir crazy, pissy, and annoyed most of the day. That's because most of my day is spent cramped in my little room running out of books to read. Right now I am down to the choice between a barfmygutsout cheesy summer read that I'm already 25% done with, OR contemporary art theory. Ugh. I hate not having a job, friends in the area, frenemies in the area, or basically anyone to hang out with who doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes out (like the dude who told me he was doing a figure show in Nov and I asked him when his sex change was going to be - poser)

I've been going to this gym that apparently is the Mecca for college students wanting to strut their stuff. Never before have I seen so much eyeliner outside of a Bobby Brown mall booth. Also there are a few women there who clearly compete and think they are hoooott shiiitt. Well good for them, I guess that's totally deserved. I, however, look like a tool in my neoprene belt with weight lifting belt combo (I totally trust this will keep my waist itty bitty but I still hate how it further highlights my lameness). No one should question my dedication as I lug around my little purple & green shimmery medicine balls to do my grueling ab routine with every day. I am really proud of the progress I've made with that so quickly. Last show I barely did any ab work & this one I am killing it. Since I was pretty happy with my ab development last time I'm pretty sure this will be retardly good ;)

However I still get anxious every day before I hit the gym. Not sure why, maybe it's the embarassing 20lbs I have to lose before next show. I know I look great, but when I see those other show-ready girls flaunting their stuff I can't help feeling insecure.

It also doesn't help that I have noooothing to do. It's been the summer of waiting on Jamey to get off fires (which is super infrequent) and having plans fall through. That's why I am so determined to do this prep right. No more zombie, I refuse to feel sick all the freaking time. I have 6 months to ease into my show shape and I'm in 100% despite the scared little self that peeps out everytime I show up at the gym.

Progress is keeping me focused. I was able to put on a lot of muscle again from last show, where I am fairly sure my body became extremely catabollic & I got scrawny, not ripped. Sure I had muscles & some definition, but I was wasting away, not getting where I needed to be. But now, even 2 weeks in I can see changes. My pants are feeling a little loose, I can see and feel where all my tie-ins on my legs are going to be. My legs are going to be shredded. I can already see the multiple levels of muscle under the layer of cellulite ;) AND there are craaaazy veins just floating under my skin. I can see them all, it's only a matter of a few pounds before they all pop. They are everywhere too, from my legs all the way up to my arms & shoulders. I think ab veins might even happen!

This is the main thing going for me when I feel self conscious, embarassed, and fearful about being able to do this right (not get sick). Veininess is almost here!

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Tales From The Frontline

2010-09-14T12:57:00.001-04:00

Yes, my first day back with the pack (so to speak) was an eventful one. First, waking up at 5am and walking through my older brother's semi-sketchy San Jose CA neighborhood all the way to the 24 Hr fitness was a little unnerving. It's one thing to walk the 15 min to the WFU Miller Center on the secured campus (which is not fun btw) and a whole other thing to wander through streets you do not know (where at least 75% of the populous thinks you look like a good target for a whistle/hassling). But, I overcame my general fear and did it anyway.

Then at the 24 hr I had to buy a day pass (for obvious travel related reasons) and learn the lay of the land. My primary target was the stairmaster. Once upon the good old SM (yes I think that's completely appropriate) I tried my hardest to climb at level 4 for 2 minutes and sprint for 3 minutes. So yeah, my sprinting isn't as up and up as it used to be (maybe it's all the butt weight that I am dragging along behind)... that and my mucus-filled lungs. I'm probably allergic to the West (and not out here long enough to properly adjust). As I strutted my stuff in my swanky new neoprene belt I definitely was the coolest and sexiest girl around. I did my BEST. It was not perfect. I am 100% good with that. I'm not going to get obsessive and self defeating about that either. I gave myself a big high 5 for how hard I worked it ;)

Then there was the adventure to the ONLY store around which carried flank steak (Safeway what are you thinking not carrying it?! Whole Foods wasn't getting any new in until today!). So I walked all the way there (about a 1.5 hour walk) and all the way back, just to make this diet happen. And then I cooked it, packaged and got ready for gym round 2 which lasted 1 grueling hour of medium weight high rep leg torture followed by 15 minutes of ab murder all while wearing my neoprene belt of wonder layered under a weight lifting belt. Oh, and I was drenched from head to toe in sweat by the time I was done. IT'S CA PEOPLE! Me looking weird shouldn't have gotten so many strange looks... I would think they'd be used to this stuff by now. (This does not bode well for red state UT)

Shazaam. I did it. I finished day one. Totally accomplished ;) Half a year is going to fly by! Stay tuned for my adventures via plane to Salt Lake City happening as I type this post.

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Let the competition prep begin!

2010-09-12T15:46:00.001-04:00

So today I downloaded the blogger app to my android phone which means that I have way more incentive to waste time on my phone updating you on the mundane... I mean, magical things in my life.

Tomorrow I start contest prep for the Arnold Amateur & as soon as I am able I will send in my entry form & money :) Excitement (and annoyance because here there are no operational wachovias to get money orders at). But in anycase, I am super excited. I finally have some real structure again in my life... something to wake up to and something to keep me going. Transitioning from school to unemployment really bites. I miss the go, go, go!

Anyway, I ended up staying in CA visiting my brother almost a full week longer than I intended to, so first day of prep is out here, second day is admist travel, third & continuing til Oct is in SLC, then travel back home! I have a feeling there will be some definate fitnasti moments happening ;)

Note the food a'grillin' at Thomas' house.

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A Big Ol' Chunk o' My life Summarized

2010-09-08T13:05:00.003-04:00

So here's what happened this summer:

Graduated
Planned on doing another show but didn't
Taught Governor's School
Visited NYC with my Aunt Laura
Drove 33 hours to Utah in 2 days
Got majorly sick from the altitude and sagebrush allergies
Moved to the "House of Fitness"
Convinced the HOF people to get into tire flipping
Got a Sandbag from Brute Force (which is currently in UT while I am...)
Visiting Thomas in San Jose via the California Zephyr Amtrak (Oh, and there was a mini-trip with Jamey to Yellowstone and Jackson Hole pre-CA trip... I saw some yummy bison)
Experienced the sites in San Fransisco and wishing I could move here and be a starving artist

BUT we all know that can't happen because SUPER SOON I will begin my loooong road to the Arnold Amateur in March 2010. Who knows what will happen. It could be very nasti, I could be very awesome. I have a feeling it will be a combination of the both. All I know is that after about a 6 month hiatus from my last show I am so ready for this! I have the drive, the willpower, and the desire to do this and do it right. I'm super excited!

Get Your Happy On. Or Else.

2010-08-22T12:53:00.003-04:00

Ever wake up and realize that your life has you by the reigns and not the opposite way around? I've realized recently that as this summer has progressed and I've taken time away from the figure world, I've taken time away from myself. There are critics who like to complain that physique competition is an inherently selfish pursuit - but I'd like to say, "what about it?"

When you're driven like you have to be driven to do a show... and you're "balls to the walls" as Kim would say, you just don't have time for other people's control shows. Since I've been out here in Utah I've been confronted with the sad reality that you look out for yourself. It'd be nice to say it ain't so, but it is. No one is going to encourage you to go to the gym everyday, to do that grueling cardio (with added altitude sickness), pump that iron, or eat the right way. In fact, if there's one thing I've learned from clean living and body consciousness is that people are threatened by someone with clearly defined goals, a sense of self, and an over all purpose.

What is this control game that everyone wants to play? When you control your own life you do not have to play by other people's rules. You can look them squarely in the eyes and say "no". You can ignore them, betray them, embrace them, whatever you choose you can say you did the right thing... because you know what's right for you. When you lose that sense of self, that sense of purpose, that drive, that need to be yourself, that's when people start taking advantage of you. Never be afraid to lose something outside yourself. You are the most precious thing you have. You have to live with yourself and your body for the rest of your life. Other people can blame you, shame you, and game you... but in the end it's up to YOU.

Surround yourself with the positive. Ignore regret. Regret is a useless emotion, it does not teach us to strive, to love, to laugh. It teaches caution and self-pity. Regret should be replaced by forgiveness. When you forgive yourself and others, you enable yourself to embrace all your faults and failings and say "this will not define me." Be friends with smiling faces. Never force connections with people you don't like, want, or need because you think you "have to." You don't. Inform your perceptions of the world around you. Anything and everything is possible. You are in control. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

If you are sad, mad, or troubled hold on to that feeling and remember the details. Where you are, why you feel that way, and what you can do about it. Do not blame yourself. Don't blame anyone else. Take the necessary steps to get yourself up and out of that place, but don't forget it. Everytime something great happens to you remember that moment! Look at how far you've come and let the joy envelope your soul.

Tell people how great you are! This isn't BRAGGING! This is the TRUTH. If you think you are beautiful, act it! If you think you are smart, talk about it! Don't let the YOU inside you fail to shine out. If you don't think you are something that you want to be... ignore that thought. Everyday you wake up, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself exactly what you are: I am beautiful, I am special, I deserve the world and more. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

If all else fails: pray. That's right. Get down on those knees and let the Lord's grace pass through you. He thinks you are the best thing ever. It's about time you start thinking it too.

My Pink Mission

2010-08-13T10:11:00.004-04:00

Omg they are so adorable! And skulls too - the perfect combo of cute and killer! Mommy wants.

I've been on a matchy-matchy mission. Since I don't usually take much time to myself and I've been forced t0 do so by my graduation and current self-enforced unemployment... I have had time to think about what I really "like" and "want" out of life. This was per Jamey's request, of course. Whoa, how scary is it to realize that you don't REALLY know what you like? I had that realization earlier this summer. I'm so good at doing what I'm "supposed" to do and forcing myself to do unpleasant tasks, that I haven't taken much time in my not-so-long life to focus on myself or what I enjoy or even very basically... what I like.

Well I like pink. Not just any pink either... that almost hot-pink raspberry colored pink. Omg, it's soooo cute. Currently I have a water bottle in that color, several workout tops (some that I will only be able to fit into when I get down to competition weight again - incentive?), my phone shell, my phone case, my I-want-to-gouge-my-eyes-out-they-are-so-cute Paul Frank skull candy ear buds. I used to have temporary pink streaks in my hair for a little while there too. What is REALLY missing from my life is a pair of tennis shoes in this very shade of oh-so-happy girlified pink. Yes, I must find some - this is my goal.

I dunno where this pink thing came from - maybe it was spending the majority of my adolescence in my bubble gum pink room, or all the pink clothing that I begrudgingly wore per my mom's request. When it comes down to it, I've always shied away from girliness and girly things and colors. But, as Kim and Jamey quickly discovered at the Arnold earlier this year... I have a slew of "cute things," like my japanese froggie toothbrush holder. I'm also obsessed with the Pylones store in NYC. I can't help it - these things are soooo adorable.

But make no mistake. Although I am pinking up, I can still deadlift more than my body weight. RAWR.

Buff People Please Rescue Me

2010-08-11T11:55:00.008-04:00

Holla Back at'cha Beverages

2010-08-10T08:56:00.008-04:00

So my friends over at Metabolic Effect posted this on their facebook feed yesterday: Diet Trick: Make Fat Burning Iced Tea - 1 gallon water, 2 cups freshly squeezed lemons, 2 cups "Lean Sweet" (ME's xylitol powder) in 1 cup hot water, 2 heaping tbsps of Pure Carnitine. They recommend you drink 2 cups daily.

For those of us who get a tinsy bit bored with plain old water, this sort of "safe" beverage is hard to come by. However, recently I've discovered some recipes that are 100% clean and I try to enjoy them regularly as little treats.

Kim turned me on to Bragg's "Ginger Spice" beverage which is basically ginger root, apple cider vinegar and splenda/xylitol. Admittedly it is an acquired taste ;) However, it got me excited about ginger and apple cider vinegar. ACV is super cheap - some places you can get a bottle of White House ACV for like 89 cents. I bought mine a month or so ago and I still haven't used it all. It's ultra multi-purpose. I use it to clean my dishes, do my laundry (I've even gotten compliments on how good my clothing smells), and add some flavor to my water. If you aren't used to sugars (or avoid them) a couple of capfuls of ACV into a 24-30oz bottle of water will taste sweet in a funny way. The best part of ACV? It is 0 sugar, 0 carb, 0 fat, and 0 protein. Also, I've read several times on the Metabolic Effect Blog that vinegar may have fat burning properties... so it certainly won't hurt you!

Another favorite beverage of mine is ginger root-lemon tea made fresh. My mom used to make a version of this for us when we were sick as kids and always add in some honey. I skip the honey and the beverage is just as refreshing. In the summer, brew a whole pot, add some fresh mint leaves while it's still hot and let it cool for a refreshing iced tea.

For all you Southerners out there who love their sweet tea and just don't know how to quit it (I know Jamey is one of them!), I assure you there are other options! Sweet tea is basically just a variation of a black tea, steeped to a certain bitterness and then sweetened with sugar or syrup while the tea is still seeping. This addition allows for further saturation of the sweetener and gives the tea that southern signature. If you've ever had "sun tea," you'll recognize the above mint variation as a trick of the trade in the South. My hometown brethren, there is a way to enjoy this staple beverage without putting your body into a pre-diabetic state.

First, try and start by picking out a nice fresh organic black tea. Try to avoid those large packages of Lipton that have been sitting on the shelf all winter and seem to have no expiration date. The fresher the tea, the easier it will be to get great flavor out of it... and sugaring it up won't seem as necessary. I always recommend finding a nice loose tea that you can then have bagged, but I understand that sometimes it is very difficult to find locations where they sell this (also it can be sort of messy). For every 2 bags of black tea you steep, add in a light green tea. With a light green tea you will harness the tea's fat burning ability, but not interfere with that signature sweet tea flavor. If you are making "sun tea," the steeping stage is where you want to add your fresh mint. My mom just happens to have Apple Mint, Peppermint, and Spearmint growing like weeds in the backyard and when we were kids it was always exciting to grab a stem to brew some tea with.

After your tea has reached a desired pungency, remove the tea bags (and the mint) and while still hot add some stevia. There are many different brands of stevia available to the public now, including the ever popular Truvia, NuStevia, PureVia, and Stevia in the Raw. Personally I prefer Stevia in the Raw to all other brands because it is basically 99% pure Stevia. Truvia & PureVia add erythritol (and some other filler ingredients) and NuStevia has Maltodextrin. Neither of these things are necessarily bad, but cause me GI distress and bloating.

If you really can't get behind the Stevia kick then at least do NOT use pure sugar. Try something like Agave nectar or a local honey. While these sweeteners will cause an insulin spike (and thus not aid in fat loss), they are far better for your health in general than a refined sugar is. Local honey is beneficial for those who suffer season allergies, as local bees pollenate local foliage and thus small doses of the pollen exist in the honey. Consuming local honey can aid allergy sufferers in building up immunities. My favorite type of honey is "in-the-comb" as the comb is a tasty treat in and of itself. I wish I could find some pure honeycomb around here, because it would make a great chewing gum replacement!

Do you have any tasty, but clean beverages you like to indulge in? If so, please let me know! Right now I have a chocolate tea on the way - I am excited to try it, and will let you know how it goes ;)

Life in SLC

2010-08-09T18:58:00.002-04:00

So I made it to Salt Lake City, Utah in one piece. After a really amazing weekend in NYC with my Aunt Laura, I stayed the night with one of my GSW girls in Raleigh and then began my trek to the West. The first day I drove 13 hours pretty much straight. Unlike my Metabolic Effect heros I did not stop along the way and do sprints or dips off my car (although I was tempted). Instead I put the pedal to the metal and hauled myself across Virginia, West Virginia, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois and made it 2 hours away from Kansas City before I literally collapsed on a motel bed. Yep. I walked into a Motel 6, bought my room and with nothing but my car keys and cellphone just fell asleep on the bed. Didn't even get under the covers.

Next morning: Oatbran, PB and protein powder power food, lots of water (because I was dehydrated - I was not going to stop every 30 minutes for a potty break) and hit the road again. I was super tempted to stop in Cheyenne for the night but I got a call from Jamey mid-day saying they'd be leaving for a fire the next morning. So I decided I'd just keep on keeping on. I drove 20 straight hours and got to see my sweetie for 2 before he hit the road for a complex fire near Boise.

The next day was recovery day. I felt super sick - not just from dehydration, lack of sleep, or the cramped car, but from altitude sickness. Oh boy was that nasty. I threw up a few times that day and was basically bed-ridden. The headaches were terrible. The next day was a little better. I went to the dog park with one of the girls in the house and felt pretty awful afterwards - nausea again and a little puking. Finally Saturday I was feeling near to normal, and Sunday I was almost 100%. This basically turned into me taking another full week off exercise ;)

Today was my first day back at the gym. Jamey got me a membership at Planet Fitness last time I was out here visiting and it's what I am going to be using for the duration of my stay. This morning it was pre-breakfast cardio. Then when I stopped in again for the afternoon the desk girl noticed I was back and seemed sort of confused. Here it goes again.... the freaking other people out thing.

In about a week I will start nannying for the daughter of one of Jamey's crew members. She's super sweet and about a year old. We're gonna be buddies! I am looking forward to planning fun little outings and events with her. I've already got a baby sitter all lined up for when I need to do my 4 day split at the gym - although it will be a bit different than the normal monday-thurs. It'll be thurs-sunday since that works for the babysitter (a college student - yep I am supporting people like me!).

I can't believe it's almost Autumn! Fall is my all-time favorite time of year. Here it already feels like fall. It was 67 degrees out this morning when I got up to do cardio. Such a change from the sweltering 103 degrees plus humidity in NC. So far, so good. Looking forward to trying out some new things like hiking. The girls at the house already invited me mountain biking, but I am not sure if my body is up to it yet. During cardio today I really started to feel the altitude sickness again - it's like nothing I've ever felt before (not pleasant).

I'll keep you posted on my progress ;)

Finding fitNasti

2010-07-26T16:40:00.002-04:00

I spent the last six weeks in a wonderland. I was honored to once again student-teach this summer at NC's Governor's School West for visual art. I was also an on-hall counselor, also referred to as a Teacher Assistant Counselor or TAC. This year I was able to become super-close to 13 amazing teenage girls, just on the brink of self-discovery. Last year was a lot more about teaching and preparing myself for my upcoming school year, but this summer was so much more! With school behind me, I realized I was in a very similar place of self actualization as my young ladies. As I heard them talk about their worries, their passions, their wide-eyed wonder and listened to their insight and curious maturity, I found myself embroiled in the same issues. Who am I? Where am I going? How will I get there? Am I good enough to do what I want? What if things don't turn out the way I plan? On top of this: Am I pretty? Am I loved? What does it mean to be a women in this society? Can I be strong, and if so, when can I be weak? All these questions and more flooded into my life.

It's hard to sit down and think when the only thing going through your head is surviving 'til your next meal, or how many minutes of cardio there are left in the day, or for that matter, how many days of this grueling feeling are left. I'm 22 and my WHOLE life is ahead of me- why am I so concerned about competing? One of my role models, Jill Coleman, gave me some really good advice. There will ALWAYS be shows, but there will NOT always be new beginnings. With a little encouragement I became able to look beyond what I had become so used to and see a very beautiful and full world around me.

Eating clean has become sort of... fun, day I say it? I've found it really easy to get back on the band wagon after several weeks of freaking out and eating far too many Baby Ruth's (mmm soooo good). I've discovered that my favorite meal is 4 boiled egg whites,a handful of almonds, and a grapefruit! It's refreshing and so easy to prepare and transport. I eat this way too often when I'm lazy... oooor when I'm living out of a mini-fridge in an airconditionless dorm for the duration of 6 weeks. There was a whole week that it was 103 in my room and I was sweating perpetually. Maybe I sweated out some toxins?

I did something else crazy - I took a full week off exercising! That's right - I didn't get up and do cardio. I didn't even think about lifting a weight. It was super, super refreshing! I was able to focus on eating clean, my students, and my whole life coming undone and getting back together again.

I've accidentally stumbled into a very post-college situation: I'm driving across the country! The big difference is that I'm becoming a nomad! All my property is going into a storage unit this week. Then I'm driving to the airport, doing NYC with my Aunt Laura, flying back to NC, staying the night with a friend, and then making a 3 day, 33hr drive out to SLC, UT to be with my hotshot hero!

It's all an adventure now, and so much more exciting! I'm looking forward to searching for my clean meals, finding fun and unconventional ways to work out along the way, and doing whatever I want at the gym. It's about having FUN with fitness now. I'm on a journey to discover balance - with food, fitness, and my figure ;) I've stayed surprising lean, but I'd like to be just a few notches down on the body fat % and a few notches up on the lean muscle mass (they go together). I want a sick upper body, what can I say!

If there's wifi availability over the next few weeks I'll keep you in the fitNasti loop you've been out of while I've been in la-la land aka Gov School :D

Hypoglycemic

2010-07-05T20:25:00.002-04:00

So I found out earlier last week from my doc that I'm officially hypoglycemic. Apparently a lot of competitors get hypo near the end of their diets, but I must have been hypo for a few months pretty chronically - and it's extended into the off season. Before I diet for another show I've got to get this under control. I've got and appointment in the upcoming week to try and look at what could be causing this severe instability. I can tell exactly when it's going to happen - it's crazy and apparently why I am hungry ALL THE TIME. My body and brain is crying out for sugar because it's going to crash and burn. I am blessed and amazed I didn't faint or go into a coma at any point. It's amazing what we can convince ourselves to do when we get tunnel vision!!

In other news I have some crazy blisters on my finger pads from flipping the tire. Oh boy do I love that crazy sh*t. Is there anything as exhilirating as pushing a prowler or flipping a tire? It's such an adrenaline high for me. Some of the blisters popped and now have suffered the cleansing power of hydrogen peroxide. I'm sure the others will suffer the same fate tomorrow at noon flipping :D I'm coated in nasty tire dirt/oil/etc. Love it! Beeeeassssst

The Big Update

2010-06-29T18:58:00.007-04:00

look at these sick quads!

So what has lil' fitNasti been up to? I'll tell you what: getting better

Guess who had a blood glucose level of 55 for a month straight? Yeah, me, that's who. That would explain my extreme fatigue, messed up mind, and general issues. The solution: carbs & a break from competing. How am I feeling about this? It's really a mixed blessing. After getting my senses back I realized a lot of things about what competing had become to me.

You might be surprised, but I'm not really a very competitive person and the pressure of competition really freaks me out, especially with all the life changes I've been going through. I realized that what I got so pumped about in October wasn't competing, but the idea of accomplishing something great. But I honestly don't think me competing IS me accomplishing something great - I think I use it as a crutch to lean on to tell myself that I can be pretty and attractive and receive the attention and respect that I want from my peers. That's not healthy and that's not the reason that I want to be competing for. I'd much rather be fit & healthy in body AND mind instead of a really low body fat percentage, and I know that right now I can't really do that no matter how much I try. I know I can do the diet, the workouts, etc... but the person I become is not someone I like. I want to like me again.

This being said I do not need food to go crazy and be happy. I'm working with Joe Ohrablo of Dynamic Personal Training to keep me accountable and work towards new exciting goals during my off-season (like staying lean, but building some more mass). I'm so over panicing if I miss a workout or one isn't as good as another. I just want to enjoy life and working out again! fitNasti is BACK and better than ever - pushing prowlers, pounding out the reps, and flipping 400lb tires down the block while still getting in her HIIT, incline walking, and peanut butter (which I admit I've consumed my body weight in since stopping competing).

I definitely want to compete again (figuring a diet that doesn't flip my blood sugar out will be hard), but for now I want to focus on my relationships with my family, friends, students, and support my boyfriend. Jamey was on that crazy fire in Arizona - yeah, the one that was on the news (CNN, BBC, etc) and I didn't get to talk to him for 3 weeks. When I see him in August when I go out to UT I do NOT want to be worried about my next meal and obsess over how many grams of carbs I've overshot by, or whether or not I'll be able to get in my workout. All I want is to be able to be with my baby. AND when I head out to NYC at the end of Governor's School with my Aunt I want to take in the sites and sounds and experiences without freaking out about food! It's been crazy these last few months, right?

I haven't put on all too much fat, or if I have it must be in all the right places because I got hit on by a firefighter at Walmart on Sunday. I told him I already had a fire fighter hiking his way through the blaze in AZ. Jamey is quickly burning off his "hotshot survival pack" while I am putting some junk in tha' trunk. Gotta keep this booty under control!

Currently I am a teacher assistant/counselor at the NC governor's school west. It's a swanky 6 week program for the smartest and most talented students in the NC school system, specializing in one of 10 offered subjects. I assist a lead teacher in art class twice a day with 19 students. Then from 5pm-8am I am responsible for 14 16/17 year old girls (one of my girls is 15) and live on a hall in an air-conditionless dorm with them. Living here makes me miss my nasty little room at wake. At least there I had central air and a "stove". Here I have a ghetto-fied air-condition system and a mini-fridge/microwave system I've set up. I rely heavily on nuking egg whites and grilling on my george-foreman with my fingers crossed I won't set off the fire alarm. BUT I love my girls! I get to gossip about boy troubles, paint my nails, do facials, and talk about intellectual stuff (or brainless stuff) all I want... and get PAID for it! It's awesome and everyone thinks I am so intense, even though it's not (entirely) true. Man, people sure can build mythos around themselves without meaning to! I guess if you flip tires, like chainsaws, and build muscle you must be intense, right? I guess my tattoos and facial piercings don't help that perception... but I thought my vast collection of silly bands and hot-pink girlified fingernails might.

You can expect a lot more updates out of this little fitNasti girl now that things are on a roll (tire reference?). I'm certainly being challenged everyday with food choices, work-outs, and life-changes. I've got two new rules: 1) no nut-butters allowed in the room and 2) no protein bars allowed in the room. Yes, I will eat them ALL. That being said, my metabolism is JACKED. I am hungry ALL the time and I'm just burning through food. My arms have gotten a lot thicker and defined and I'm starting to notice the coveted bicep vein begin to poke out. One of my students told me my arms looked like a man's and I was grinning ear to ear. It's not true, but I can't help it, I must be channeling my alter-ego teenage boy personality wanting jacked arms with rippling veins. I might actually be a body-builder at heart and not a figure girl ;) Whoops! In anycase, I'm tearing up my arms pretty bad twice a week to total exhaustion with Josh's advice (gotta trust a dude who can paint his toe nails bright pink and win a MMA title belt when it comes to these things). My bicep curling form is top-notch now. I'm also tearing up my legs with some crazy weights. Monday I did high-box squats for reps at 155lbs. Hell to the yes.

Tomorrow I am working on my chest and pushing the prowler. It feels SO GOOD to have the energy to do this! Have you ever been REALLY SICK and then gotten better and realized just how bad you felt? Yeah, that's me right now - high off life (and protein bars), ready to rev it up to the next level! Kim, Josh, and our friend Jennifer did the Marine Corp Mud Run about two weekends ago as "Team Animal". Think 5k on CRACK. We did obstacle courses and ran through the woods in 95 degree heat. That means scaling walls, swimming through mud, crawling through tunnels, running up hills, etc. We finished in 40 minutes! I remember back in October when I ran the 5k for the library in 35 minutes. My fitness level is so nasti now! I ended up tearing out a huge chunk of my knee through a tunnel, but that was after that amazing pic was taken. Don't I look ripped? My legs are cray-cray! Anyway, my fit friends, I'll keep you updated on all the fun I'll be getting into these next few months. For the next four weeks my goals are simple. I'm doing am pre-breakfast cardio everyday alternating HIIT and incline walking, but keeping it all short to maintain leanness. I'm lifting 5 days a week, training HEAVY with Kim twice a week (back and legs mostly) and arms 2x a week. Then throw in some tire flipping, prowler pushing, and a little post-work out stairmill and you'll see why my metabolism is in high gear. Thank goodness I have an anabolic little body! Here's to the future my friends, I'm visualizing a bright one with lots of rippling arm veins and satisfying sleep!

booty shot of Team Animal!

Expect Trouble

2010-06-11T20:27:00.002-04:00

Today I was at the Whole Foods and saw this magnet and decided that I deserved to buy it:

"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye, and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me." - Ann Landers

Heavy

2010-06-03T15:24:00.003-04:00

This might sound overdone, but if you are a prayerful person, or a faithful person... whoever or whatever you believe in please put me in your thoughts today. Tomorrow I am meeting with my doctor to talk about returning to medication and it sort of scares me. Right now I just need to put my faith in what's worked for me before.

Each day is getting closer to being better, just like every day is like getting getter closer to a better competition. I've been doing pretty well in my workouts although they've been pretty darned tough. Even if I might not be 100% in my head I've been trying 100% in my training. I can deadlift and squat more than I weigh. Yeah, that's pretty baller. What about 150lb wide lat pull downs or 35lb dumbell chest presses? If I can be strong enough to pick up all that with my tiny little dieting body - doing around an hour of cardio a day.... 30 of in pre-breakfast then I should be able to pull myself out of this deep, dark slump. Today I was watching the SNL Betty White episode and laughed and realized that I haven't laughed in quite a while. This is wrong. This is stopping - I have an open loving heart that used to be filled with laughter. One day at a time. I'm going to beat this thing because I have lots of heavier things to carry than this sadness.

The Big "D"

2010-06-02T19:05:00.003-04:00

I hate to use the "D" word publicly, but I know some people are concerned about me.... where I've been, what I've been doing - why I've been acting the way I have been.

I know it doesn't excuse me, justify me, define me, or lessen me as a person, but I have depression. It's been an off and on problem for me for years, mostly off in the last few years, and now with the advent of my graduation and new life shock it's back on. I admit that I am ashamed of this, that I am embarrassed to have depression. No matter how much I tell myself that it doesn't make me a bad person or dysfunctional it's really hard to feel that way. It's been a long, hard month of crying every single night (poor Jamey has put up with so much) to finally admit this to myself. There's only one place I've ever had these particular feelings before, and that was in the depths of serious depression about three years ago. It's ok and I'm ok. I'm getting help and I'm moving on up. I'm battling this as hard as I battle anything else, and I know it's different this time around.

As far as competing goes I'm still working on this June 26th show. Right now I'm focusing on the little accomplishments and trying to keep a smile on my face. Sometimes I can't help but break down crying on the treadmill - cardio traumatizes me and I'm not sure why. I sure do hate it with every fiber of my being, especially after weights. It'll be ok. I'll be ok. I'll just keep telling myself that until I conquer this 100%

In the meantime I apologize to anyone who I've offended or kept out of the loop. I hope that this serves as an explanation for my absence and my negativity. This surely is a war I hope you fitNasti fans will help me battle.

Wingin' It

2010-05-30T09:45:00.001-04:00

I think this post secret says it best.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

2010-05-29T09:30:00.004-04:00

One day closer.

Each day is one day closer to ending survival and becoming a flourishing person. If Jamey could make it through 19 months in Iraq then I can make it through 4 weeks to competition, 2 weeks 'til Governor's School starts, 62 days 'til I go to NYC with my Aunt and 64 days 'til I move out to Utah and then 124 'til Asheville. Breathing deep. Getting through minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day. I am training myself to do what I want. To really get in touch with my feelings. I'm very good at making myself do things that I do not want to do and I had the epiphany that I don't even know what I really want to do. So starting today I will do what I want to do. I will get in touch with how I really feel.

How have I felt so far? Well today I got up and I wanted to do my cardio and when I did it I felt pretty freakin' awesome. WTF. Love that feeling! I was empowered by my desire.

I want to go to work and make up for the time I lost this week. I want to complete my project and do a good job, make up for being a brain-drained zombie for months. I want that for myself, to encourage myself that I am who I WANT to be.

I'm going to train like every day is the last day of life... and the first day of my life. Here goes.

Beauty of Your Dreams

2010-05-28T18:38:00.006-04:00

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams" - Eleanor Roosevelt

These are the words written on the card my aunt sent me for my last show that I didn't get until exam week. It sits in the X-terra and looks up at me everyday when I haul myself in there and off to my new, completely unorganized, chaotic, and frantic new life. My friend Sarah and I talked the other day about the safety of structure that school gives you. For all its stress and horrors, Wake Forest gave me the structure I so desperately needed to keep myself in perpetual motion. I gave me the safe four concrete walls I loved to hate, and the hourly day by day break down with little milestones marked in papers and homework. It was overwhelming, it was crazy, and it set me free.... free from myself. Free from my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own history. It set me free to never truly look at myself in the mirror and see the big picture. I was too busy surviving to care who I'd been, where I'd been, and what I'd wanted. This business kept me in motion and allowed me to bypass my negative emotions, my fears, and my failings. It let me keep believing that no matter how bad things were, they'd get better. But things didn't get better, they either stayed the same or got worse.

Now stop and think about this for a minute. There is nothing wrong with survival mentality... unless you've lived in it your entire life. Who is Antonina Whaples? She's certainly not the person you read about in these posts. Sure, that's part of who I am - fitNasti is an extension of the things I've done, and some of the feelings I've had. But it's not WHO I AM. Sometimes I meet people who read this blog and seem to think that they know me. Sure, I air issues that seem personal, but really they aren't. It's easier to write about sucking chicken from out of my fingernails than it is to say "I'm afraid." And what am I afraid of? I'm not afraid of not coming in for my competition... not afraid of working hard and not having it pay off. I'm afraid I've lost touch with the really beautiful things in life - and one of those things is me.

I know a lot of people who are sugar-coaters, and I have to say I've never quite gotten the hang of that (but believe me I really have tried to). Believe it or not I've been in a lot of relationships personally and professionally where I walked the line, tredded water, and walked on eggshells in hopes of never rocking the boat or stirring the stew... but no matter what I do I end up hurting someone. Guess what? People get hurt all the time. I'm hurt, you're hurt, everyone in this whole wide world is hurt. The thing that makes this a problem is that I genuinely think about other people more than I think about myself. As I sat obsessing over whether or not something I had done had upset someone today I made myself imagine what they were doing right now. I asked myself, "do you think they are obsessing over you upsetting them". The answer was no. I know people say that you should imagine people naked when you're nervous. Well try this instead: remember that they have to use the bathroom too. Yep, if I am really in a tight spot and I am freaking out about what someone thinks of me I just imagine they have to really use the bathroom - it'll humanize anyone. That's the deal - I'm super, super human. I think that's what some people like about this blog, that it's really nitty gritty real life human stuff. But it also serves as a mask for the really really really nasti things in life: human emotion.

I'm way into sci-fi TV shows and always have been since I was a kid. What can I say, I've got some escapist nerd in me, I think it's a Whaples thing. But in anycase, one of the shows I like to escape with is "V". The basic premise is lizard-aliens in human skin come to earth to destroy us. They begin to develop human emotion and it's a big fat issue. Yeah, if anything is going to make us humans beat those scaly skinned demons down it's human emotion. Aha, the double-edged sword - it's so beautiful and so deadly at the same time.

So what is the beauty of my dream? What is my dream? My dream is to be the best person that I can be. I want to be the best friend, the best trainer, the best employee, the best client, the best driver... the best at everything I do. My parents always told me that they didn't care how I did or what I did as long as I did my "best". BUT WHAT IS MY "BEST"?! This question tortures and torments me every single day. This is what drives me to do really stupid things like get four hours of sleep a night for 2 years in high school trying to take too many AP exams and get into college. This is what made me walk miles across campus at 3am my freshman year to visit a boyfriend who just couldn't bear to be alone. It's what made me give up on art for so long because there just wasn't any real objectivity. It's what made me compare myself to my brother every single day of my childhood... just wishing that I could be better at math. It's what broke my heart when I found out a boyfriend had cheated on me... what trampled my spirits when I got my SAT score, what caused me to compare myself to others time, and time, and time again. It's what gave me this underlying guilt whenever I hurt someone's feelings, or don't get approval. Wondering day after day, minute after minute what my "best" is.... that's what keeps me from actually being my best. The thought that there is some measurement of what is objectively the "best" thing is what holds me back. If anything, philosophy should have taught me to realize that although there are absolutes.... we have absolutely NO GRASP on what they really are. So why do I keep pulling my hair out trying to figure out what that is? Even though I think in shades of grey and am so open and loving and willing to excuse other peoples' digressions time and time again with no limits, I am unable to forgive myself for the smallest mistakes.

And guess what, this is the craziest part... every single one of you reading this right now is SUPER complicated. You put on your different identities day to day and minute to minute but you are a PLETHORA of people deep down in there - and they are all giving you complex messages each minute you are alive and each tie you make a decision. It's not all a straight and narrow line. It's not objective.

People tell me I surprise them... this happens on a daily basis... surprising people with the things they don't know about me. I know that I do this exact same thing to other people too - I freak out when my solid perception of another person is drastically altered and calls into question my grasp of who I think they are or what they are doing. It makes me lose control of where I stand in relation to them. I bet you're realizing that you do this too (that is, if you didn't realize that already).

Once I heard that the most successful people in the world are those able to adapt, change and re-invent themselves. It's like a mini-evolution in each life. I'm evolving and no matter how painful it may be... I know it's the truth. The thing about the truth... whether or not you say it, or acknowledge it... or realize it exists... it's still the truth. You can't change it, so why be afraid of it? If there's one thing I've grasped a hold of it's that when you embrace that you can't change anything it will SET. YOU. FREE.

Unstoppable

2010-05-28T08:11:00.001-04:00

Taking Back My Life

2010-05-27T07:34:00.003-04:00

Who cares what other people think? If you stick to what you believe and you stay true to your vision, why would it matter what anyone says about you, your lifting, your business, your school, your team, or anything else?

You have a choice. You can either choose to follow your own path, or you can choose to follow someone else's path. Other people can't control how we feel. We get to decide for ourselves. We decide what our own reactions are going to be for any given stimulus. We decide how to react. You can either blow things off or let them get to you, but nobody has this power over you...."

-Dave Tate

fitNasti in Flight

2010-05-25T19:27:00.002-04:00

Sorry to all my readers who have been sorely bereft of my brilliance the past few days or so, I've been recouperating from my weekend trip to Salt Lake City to visit Jamey. This is the first flight I've been on since the diet and the first traveling I've had to do on the diet since the Arnold back in March. Of course this turned out to be quite adventurous! I prepped myself for the flight by packing all my chicken for Friday in one big container, all the carbs in another, and the greens in yet another and to cool it all I used TSA-approved coolant frozen broccoli! I'm the carry-on queen and into the outer pocket of my bodybuilding.com duffel went my food scale. Oh BOY did I get some interesting looks when I sat at the gate carefully measuring my 6oz of chicken from tupperware to scale and then eating it like an ravenous animal. I crock-potted some bone-in chicken breast before I left and boy oh boy was it super juicy and tender and delicious. I secretly ate some of the bones. Don't judge. A couple of people nodded my way and made the comment "that's really smart," but I bet they never suspected that I live this way even when I'm not en route via plane. One man asked me if I was a bodybuilder! I was so honored and I explained that I did figure. He said he noticed my logo on the back on my hoodie - Strong Girl Fitness represent!! On my to-UT flights I had a lay-ver in Dallas and was able to snarf a warm meal at a restaurant. Sure, it as a bit pricey but my waitress was so super sweet to me and made sure all my food was exactly how I wanted it and everything. She didn't even give me weird looks! I bought some salad greens from another place and packed them away for a later meal. This was good because the trip did not start off well when the TSA accosted me for carrying a kubaton that I totally forgot that I had on me. I was held up for like 15 minutes as this woman kept yelling at me asking if I had a weapon on me... I kept responding "no" until I realized what she was referring to. Ugh. I had to fill out some forms and mail it back to myself. Curses. The biggest issue about flying is the dehydration. Even though I bought a bunch o' water and glugged it down, I was still really dehydrated. Even worse was the trip back where I only got 1/3 of the water I usually do because my connecting flight was boarding when my flight from UT was getting in. And then I CHUGGED water as I tried to find my car in long-term parking, which was cardio galore. This lead me to pee my pants later when I stepped out of the car after my drive from the charlotte airport to the home. Yeah, great. I'm going to admit here that it's not the first time that's happened... it might have contributed to my mental breakdown last week.

I'll give ya'll another update real soon. Things have been a'changing with my diet, exercise, etc. It'll even out soon, right?

Extreme Meltdown

2010-05-20T07:17:00.003-04:00

I feel like since the beginning of competition prep, all the way back in January (before the time of the dinosaurs), I've been a very good little girl. Sure, the times have gotten scarily tough and I've spent my fair-share of time crying in bathrooms and being frustrated. And other than the week after my first competition, I haven't had significant full emotional breakdowns. Well that was not the case yesterday. I had a full-blown Chernobyl-style nuclear meltdown. It had been a pretty long day already and unfortunately despite me doing no cardio I was down to the energy level of a slug by 3pm as per usual. After training Maria and venting at Kim for a while I headed over to Harris Teeter to pick up some low-sodium Goya black beans because during my trip to Lowes earlier I couldn't find any. Well, as soon as I pulled into the parking lot I realized that I couldn't find my wallet anywhere. I flipped out. I mean I FLIPPED OUT. I started hyperventilating, crying, hitting things, yelling in the car, beating my head against the steering wheel. I was NOT OK. I was ANGRY. I am usually one of those people who when they're angry will just let it sit inside until it puts itself out (or I cry for a long time), but apparently this wasn't the case yesterday. I wanted to throw a brick through a window or murder a small animal or something. I was steaming. I was out of commission for a full hour blubbering and wanting to destroy property. When I finally settled down I called Heather and we went on a search for the wallet and eventually found it in the library. I felt like such a jerk. A total jerk. How had I let myself come to this? I remember this one section in Dave Tate's "Raising the Bar" where he talks about how you waste time by being pissed off. How, in the end, how does it change anything. You've just wasted your time. I know Dave, I know. But I feel so much better this morning after having my major agression-fest yesterday. I feel some actual closure to all the things that have been going wrong for so long. Sometimes it just feels like I am running a never-ending marathon of pain and suffering and if I ever stop to wonder why, or question it, it just makes the run that much harder. As we know, you either do figure right or you don't. I want to do it right. I also want to be a good person, a kind person, a functional person. Sometimes I wonder if I can achieve this when I'm so overwhelmed by all the things that come at me. Sometimes I wonder what the net-effect of behaving this way is. It's just time to pull myself together and move forward. I know that's what I always do, but I guess it's just the only thing to do. At least I feel a little better.

Getting all Fixed Up

2010-05-19T08:24:00.003-04:00

Where has fitNasti been recently!? She seems to be leaving the blog bereft of rants and tales of gym gnarliness. Well, things have been fluctuating recently. It seems once you make one major change a whole slew of changes comes with it. If you recall, I've been having severe low energy problems that I am trying to solve. I've recently learned that you are not actually supposed to get to the point where tying your shoes and walking to the bedroom to collapse on a bed in full-blown exhaustion is unbearable and makes you cry. Apparently even this is excessive. I went to see Jillian at the NC Naturopathic Clinic as she assured me that she'd fix me up. Well the fixing has started and it sort of freaks me out. First, it looks like there is going to be more food and unlimited vegetables. Second, there is like 3x the dosage of all supplements. Third, we are cutting back my cardio majorly. I'm going to do 20-30 minutes of recumbent bike 3 times a week and that's about it.

I know it sounds absurd that I should be freaked out about getting more food, more supps, and less of the one thing I hate the most (cardio), but I am. This is because it's just not at all what I'm used to. I'm used to feeling de-energized, sluggish, pounding on the treadmill for hours. And now, all of a sudden, I don't have to? This boggles my mind. I know that I'm super lean and that I'm on hypertrophy and that things have changed for me metabollically, but I didn't realize that it would lead to things being easier. I'm so used to just powering through everything and having to push myself to extremes that my extremes just don't seem that intense anymore. I even get scared when I don't feel like sh*t because I wonder if I am doing something wrong. But then I sit down and I repeat the mantra "trust what your trainers tell you". If they say 30 minutes 3x a week then that's what I'll do. If they say 3 hours a day everyday of the week then that's what I'll do. I'm good at following my prescribed orders, so that's what I'll do.

This Monday Kim started me on my "Dave Tate" inspired hypertrophy plan. That's right, I'm 6 weeks out from my second show and I'm doing a powerlifting circuit. 3 days of the 5 that I lift are full body splits and HEAVY 6-8 reps. Kim's slaughtering me and it feels great. It feels so good to have enough energy to get through these intense workouts because in the end they are what I actually love. This week is sort of wonky because I go to visit Jamey in SLC UT on Friday, so I trained on my own Monday which meant insanely heavy everything all by myself. I was so proud of myself for getting through it, pushing myself to my max, and busting it out. When I trained with Kim today I did 110lb deadlifts. That is practically my entire bodyweight! It felt so good and I knew I was a beast again ;)

Tomorrow should be fun because it's bi's/tri's and conditioning day. 180lb tire flipping and prowler pushing? Sounds good to me!

(Belated) Strong Girl Friday - My Special Delivery

2010-05-17T14:57:00.002-04:00

My Special Delivery

by Kimberly Coronel

The other day I excitedly opened my door to a very breathless Fed-Ex guy who climbed the stairs with my special delivery…four gallons of egg whites from Egg White International!

Exhausted from carrying the heavy box he asked me if I had tried them before. Well, yes and no. I had been separating my eggs for a long time in preparation for my competition diet and decided the time saved would be well worth the purchase. My fellow Fitnasti girl aka Antonina had raved about them so I decided to jump on the band wagon. One cup off whites equals 26 grams of protein and 120 calories and they taste wonderful. How good do they taste?

Oh My Sweet Egg Whites

Oh, how my mouth waters as I carefully scoop out your protein goodness

Each amino acid that I taste erupts into an anabolic frenzy

My muscles cheer in amino acid ecstasy

Happy to be nourished in your white fluffiness

You digest so perfectly as I savor each bite

Topped with zesty hot sauce

Oh, my sweet egg whites how I

Anticipate the next meal where I can revel in your metabolism stoking

Fire…

Oh my sweet egg whites…

Check out my updated website very soon for some great recipe ideas featuring my favorite egg whitesJ

www.StrongGirlFitness.com

Time Warp

2010-05-14T14:59:00.003-04:00

Ever feel like a day is more like a week, and a week is more like a month? It seems like time expands and contracts however it pleases when you're training. Sometimes I can't wait to get those reps cranked out and over with, other times I am sad that each one goes by so quickly and my training session is over before I know it. Often cardio is the longest, most grueling part of my day - if you ever wanted time to stand still, just get on a treadmill and watch those little red numbers tick away. They will never tick fast enough. There are days, like today, where I am so jacked up about my workout - I'm loving the pump, feeling the reps, excitably talking to Kim about whatever crosses my little brain. I think what jacked me up today was how yesterday ended. After getting off work, I convinced my sister to come with me to meet up with Kim & Josh and flip the 180lb tractor tire we've gotten for the Miller Center. Maria met us there too and we all took turns beasting it out with the bad-boy. The most encouraging thing was seeing my sister take on the challenge of flipping it. Her courage and tenacity really inspired me. It reminded me of what I love so much about this sport - I love that feeling of accomplishment - of knowing that you've improved. When I look at Becky I see so much potential and I wonder if other people see that in me. I wonder if there are people on "the outside" looking in and thinking of all the places I could go, of all the things that I could do. I didn't realize it until yesterday, but I really do think of people in their "potential form" - I feel like the people I care most about I care so deeply about because they realize what they have NOW and what they CAN have with their hard work and dedication.

I worry at times that I am the classic "dust/burn" that Dave Tate talks about. A person who flounders in the dust, living in a sort of hell unless they have something they can power through. I worry that I am a selfish person, only concerned with my own dreams and needs - people make the comment a lot that this is a selfish sport. I wonder where the line between self preservation and selfishness is... and I wonder if I've crossed it. Sometimes I hear myself talk and I'm tired of listening - I feel like I say and explain the same things over and over again. Granted, people ask me similar questions about the sport, or new people who've never seen me eat wonder what I am doing. I've in some ways lost the energy to give full explanation and I wonder if I do myself, and other competitors, a disservice by not being able to bring myself to the challenge of representing figure appropriately. The worst is wondering if I ought to be doing what I'm doing - if I "belong," in this sport. Maria is always telling me to never doubt that I belong up on that stage- and to never let anyone undermine my self-confidence in that fact. But have I become too self confident, or am I too self conscious? At times this sport seems like the ultimate mind game - what can you talk yourself into and what can you talk yourself out of?

I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I keep comparing myself now to myself "this time" last competition. I'm trying to understand my body, understand the process, understand how to be better and more competitive when I hit the stage - but am I TOO focused? Should I just ride it out? Ignore it? How do you learn to let go of your obsession - I feel like I think about it all the time and the real issue is that I don't want to stop... but I think it might not be healthy. At the same time, competition is the only thing grounded in my life right now. So many things are changing and so many of the people in my life are changing. Rapid change. How can I deal with this? Do I just let it slip through my hands? Stop to enjoy the moment? Power through it? What do you do when you need something or someone to rely on, but life keeps throwing a curve ball and your too involved in ducking and dodging to hang onto anything? I am either on-edge and anxious or sluggish and exhausted. I'm not upset or unhappy, I just feel weird. Are any of you feeling weird too?

Apparently Not Normal

2010-05-13T07:20:00.005-04:00

So apparently it's NOT normal to feel like you are a perpetual zombie 24/7, even while getting ready for a show. Today I am headed to an appointment at the NC Naturopathic Health Clinic to figure out what's going on and get a solution. A little energy could go a long way! I also have an appointment with Dr. Gray, so between the two of them I'm sure they can set me straight. I'm just tired of being tired (apparently that is a Maya Angelou reference, not that I've ever read her stuff).

Yesterday we got our final grades and yes, I am graduating! Not only do I get to graduate but I get my two majors: Studio Art and Philosophy AND the distinction Cum Laude. I still refuse to go to the actual ceremony, so I'm working on some weekend plans to visit my grandparents and hang out a little instead. Graduation is just so anti-climactic. I fell super weird feeling and thinking that I never ever have to do homework or write a paper again, unless I want to. I don't think I want to for quite a long time. I can't decide if there's been a ton of stuff going on in my life, or nothing at all. I'm feeling very conflicted. Things can be best described as "weird". There's the whole fatigue thing underlying it all, but there's just something distressing about being released from cage of stress I was being kept in. I'm not sure that anything has really sunk in yet. I'm a "slow processor" when it comes to life changes. Seems like it's months or even years after major events that I actually begin to deal with things. Looks like my metabolism isn't the only thing that takes a while ;)

I've been trolling the muscle sites that do coverage of the NPC shows and I came across myself on RX Muscle Magazine's website. It was kind of funny because not only did they have my name spelled incorrectly (not uncommon) but the pictures were of a different competitor. They've corrected it now on the site, so it was nice to see some stage pictures of me. It's sort of

weird looking at them and critiquing myself. Posing practice please pay off, I don't want to look that awkward again (although it doesn't look that bad, it could definitely be worse). Tonight a bunch of us are meeting over at F2K to work it out, but everyone else is focusing on FAME and I'm just the special ed kid in the corner trying to get my NPC posing down pat. I wonder how much of this will show next time I step on stage... 'cause it's only 6 weeks away this Saturday, kiddos!

I am making a face :P

I gave myself a little graduation present yesterday: a haircut. I haven't done a lot for my personal appearance in general for quite some time. I usually just pull my hair back in a pony tail, sport the sweats, and go makeup-less. Well, I kinda wanna pretty up a little bit, although I admit it embarrasses me a little bit to put on normal clothing and wear makeup and stuff, I know, weird. I'm still coming to terms with the girlier side of myself. It's not that I'm anti-girly, I'm just anti-effort. Back to my hair - I chopped it off! It's a cute little blonde bob now and I like it a lot! I don't know why I ever tried to do the long hair thing, it's just so not me at all. I have super fine baby thin hair that is mega-ultra straight and virtually weightless. I have to put at least two pounds of product into it to get it to do anything in the least (so the ponytail is my default option). Having it short again has freed me from this, as my hair gets more volume and looks thicker when it's short. I like it :) I sent Jamey a picture of it last night so he could be assured that I hadn't shaved my head bald. It's oh-so classy in my new bathroom at Heather's (yes, my own bathroom - I can't believe it, I'm a little overwhelmed).

Let's get to the fitNasti parts of my life this week. So Monday something was obviously wrong with my mental planning as I ran out of broccoli and failed to bring my last meal of the day with me to work (bison). I was desperate as to what I could do. I had to eat at 5, but I got off at 5 so how was I going to get the meat from Whole Foods and prepare and eat it on time? I have one hour off in the middle of the day 1-2 and I already knew that I needed it for cardio. Distraught, I texted Sarah to see if she could assist me in my mission to not ruin my diet by missing a meal. She came to the rescue, delivering to me my perfect 1/2 cup of bison and a bag of frozen broc, which we heated up in her dorm microwave and sat on her floor and ate it out of plastic take-out ware she had brought from WF. What would I have done without her? My meal judgement has been impaired recently, with me not being as prepared as I should be. I rationalize to myself that I am just getting back into the groove of things, adjusting to a new living situation (with a kitchen larger than my arm-span). But honestly I am inexplicably tired and unmotivated. I just keep telling myself that if I put in my time I'm doing all I can. I eat my meals, I do my cardio, I lift my heavy heavy weights, and I go to posing practice. What more can I do, really? It's a waiting game for the most part. Right?

This morning on the way in my protein shake spilled all over the backseat. Gross. Luckily there was a T-shirt and a sock in there, so I could wipe up the mess as best I could. Also luckily it is leather or pleather or something like that (not fabric), so the shake didn't irreparably destroy anything. And then I kicked my coffee cup that I had put on the asphalt as I hastily sopped up the mess... goodbye morning coffee. Is this an excuse to get an iced americano later? Probably.

At least I remembered to bring my iPod with me today and it's actually charged. This will be the first time since last Thursday that I've have some jams to dig-it-out on the stairmill and treadmill with. This week I've been doing incline walking after weights with Kim and intervals tuesday/thursday, so today is another interval day. I'm not sure which I hate more at this point, but I'm hoping and praying that I can keep my cardio low as cutting starts. Kim gives me my new "Dave Tate" inspired workout plan on Monday which means even heavier lower rep craziness. Definitely need to figure out my energy issues before then.

Is This Normal?

2010-05-11T16:35:00.002-04:00

I just whimpered at a picture of cake in an Oprah magazine. Actually whimpered - it sort of shocked even myself while I sit here in the dead silence of the post-exam library. I am not feeling ok by any means. I have two really strong feelings most of the time 1)utter exhaustion and 2)anger/frustration. I am fairly sure that 2 stems from 1. Is this normal? When I talk to other figure girls I know they get a little woozy the last few weeks, but is everyone else feeling like total shite 24/7 all the rest of the weeks? I mean I feel like shit. I have no idea how I am moving my fingers to write this, let alone do the heavy lifting I pumped out this morning. I've been feeling like I'll faint most of the day. The feeling is overwhelming to the point of tears. I just stare vacantly at other people as they talk to me - or get angry because I don't want to respond. I hope that people walking by ignore me and do not say hello, because the energy for chit-chat does not exist. I can't decide whether crying or punching my fist through a wall is a better solution - the two feelings sort of well-up inside me wanting to burst out, but lacking the necessary fuel. I don't understand how I can feel like this and nothing has really changed about my diet. I've even been getting more sleep. I haven't changed anything except for being less stressed out. Am I somehow missing something here? I really thought that school ending would help, but so far I only see declines in energy and mood. What is UP with this?! CAN THIS PLEASE STOP? Why is it that everyone else seems so energized when I feel like lying down in the middle of Davis field in the rain while I deliver books to Scales just because I can't bear another step? I don't understand this! Where did all of my energy go to? I actually had some just a few days ago, and just like the mysterious sock monster steals away feet cushiony goodness, so something enigmatic has stolen my energy mojo. When I get off work at 5pm I am eating my last meal, driving home and somehow not killing myself or someone else on the road, and hitting that bed at 7 - the minimum 2 hr break between last meal and sleep. This is the only way I can imagine handling this.

Gutted Squash Innards for Breakfast

2010-05-10T07:02:00.005-04:00

It's another morning at the Miller Rec center and I am tired. What is up with this energy drain? I had such a good recovery weekend with 10x the rest and relaxation time that I usually have. This greatly disheartens me. The last thing I want to do today is get on that treadmill and pound it out for 30 minutes, but I know I've got to do that eventually. It'll be like 5pm probably, when I get off work at the library. Hours are kind of strange this week, but I keep reminding myself that I'm lucky to even have them. I'm sort of paranoid about not getting to work enough or make enough money this summer, but hopefully that won't actually be an issue, but just another false anxiety.

Anyhow, I owe you a post about my amazing Farmer's Market find! Saturday morning Heather and I decided to get our produce on at the Greensboro Farmer's Market. It was a really great day for it: sunny, warm, bustling. I had my eyes peeled for some SPs and asparagus. Unfortunately the asparagus was a little too rich for my blood (or wallet), so I focused on the SPs. There they were, dirty and just out of the ground in big boxes labeled $15. Was it love at first sight? For .49 a lb this was a dealio to be sure. Even though my hypertrophy diet ends in a week I'll be on it again in 6 weeks, and those dry magical roots have a great shelf life. I perused the stands for other SP varities and got a few purple and white SPs as treats for the week. I had one of the white ones yesterday morning and I still can't figure out what it reminds me of, but it tastes like sweet potato plus something else. It will probably come to me at some random time, like when I'm famished on the treadmill today. I don't think I scrubbed the purple one I had for lunch yesterday thouroughly enough. It had a nasty bitter after taste. Mmm pesticides? Heather claims they build character.

Another special find was Spaghetti Squash. My diet allows me the option between black beans and spaghetti squash in meal 2, but I've never dared to go the squash route for three reasons. 1) I can never find this squash 2)Goya low sodium black beans are .97 a can at Walmart le cheap! 3) squash preparation sounded intimidating. Well at the FM Heather spotted one of these rugby-ball shaped yellow friends and I decided I'd get it to try it out. Yesterday I googled how to cook them - it wasn't actually that hard (and apparently you can even crock pot them!). I just cut the squash in half and gutted it (yeah, sounds nasti and violent buahaha). Then I placed the halves face down on a piece of tin-foil and placed them on a cookie sheet in the oven at 375 degrees. 45 minutes later I removed my golden goodness and raked a spoon into the fleshy innards. When I was done the thin squash skin was all that was left, expertly cleaned by Chef extraordinare fitNasti. I spent an awkward half hour chatting with Jamey on facebook and pulling the seeds out of the squash bowels to roast. I don't think I'm allowed to have the seeds, but there's a tasty handful of crunchiness in a minitupperware container for Heather. Something to spice up a salad perhaps? I haven't tried my squash yet, but I'll have it at 8:30am and let you know how it goes. Maybe tomorrow I'll microwave it with some cinnamon... Reminds me of the text I got from my girl Mare on Friday about her new found affinity to sprinkle cinnamon on everything - including meats. Yes, been there ... cinnamon really does taste good on everything, especially 2 weeks out from a show - she's almost to FAME! There are so many beautiful, wonderful girls who are going to be at the show: Mare, Jenn, Leslie, Tara, Jillian and my fiesty Maria! Jill is a show sponsor and asked me to volunteer behind stage, so May 28th I'm in for a backstage marathon. I think it'll be pretty fun and Kelly Vargo and Faziah will also be there to hang with in the sidelines and the other girls strut the stage.

Can you believe it's been one month today from my last show? It feels way closer than that - like it was a week ago or something. Maybe that's why training for this show feels so much different. Mentally I feel a lot different going into this show. First I don't feel so uptight, which is a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because for serious I did not need to be that high strung, but my circumstances fueled it. I'm getting better sleep, I'm not as stressed, and I'm much leaner at 7 week out for this show then I was for the last one. 7 weeks out last show was the dead of winter in February and I was freezing my booty off as I ran back and forth from my dorm to the gym at dark o'hundred hours to get my sweat and muscle on. Was I insane? This morning when I woke up I was all oscar the grouch about the weather, letting it make me sluggish and not want to work out. How did I ever do this?! I've been having that thought a lot recently as I muscle up the mental energy to do anything - when did I lose my mojo? I used to do it all unflinchingly, but now I have to beat myself into submission to make myself get on the treadmill or stairmaster. In the end I feel super guilty, like I ought to have a pavlovian reaction to the thought of cardio and just bust it out at a moment's notice. I don't know how many other people are like this, but have you ever felt guilty for thinking something mean about someone else? Well, my guilt about cardio is sort of like that - if I don't want to do it I feel like I haven't done it at all - which is guilt city. I keep telling myself that I'll feel better after I do it (although I fundamentally do not believe that, hence my problem). I also tell myself that it's only 30 minutes and remind myself of the terrible days of 1.5 hours of cardio and how much easier this is. I repeat my favorite Jamey mantra of "you can push through this with a broken foot". Yes I can. That's really how I feel sometimes. I told Heather yesterday: I get that the diet and exercise is hard for everyone, but I feel like for me it's the comparison between walking up a mountain with legs and thinking "this really sucks" and climbing up a mountain with no legs and thinking "this really sucks". It's just this danged diet and my whacked metabolism - if only I could burn fat more efficiently! At least I keep my precious precious muscle?

Today is a heavy heavy leg day with Kim at 1pm when I get off work at the library for an hour. I am going to try my best to pound the treadmill right after, instead of waiting 'til 5, but we'll see how it all turns out with that crunch time. I sort of like crunch time better, it's more motivating to fit everything in! I'd like to get my sweating all done mid-day and go tan at 5 instead. Maybe that will be enough motivation to pound those cardio minutes out!

New Beginnings

2010-05-08T17:28:00.003-04:00

It seems like most endings entail new beginnings - that is certainly the case for me right now as I enter into a new chapter of my life. I've spent the last four years as a collegiate studying, planning, prepping, and grinding out day after day all for the sake of a degree. Things have changed excessively since the my first day of classes as an eighteen year old local fac-brat (that's lingo for faculty brat). In fact, these changes have been so drastic that sometimes it's hard to recognize the person I used to be, or identify with her at all. Sometimes when I look back on the last few years of my life it's as if I have a third person perspective on my memory - and that's sort of strange.

Where is my life going now? I'm fresh out of the oven and intellectually baked, headed towards bigger, better things than pure academia. I've had a lot of people ask me recently what my post-graduation plans are and they don't seem to be satisfied with me telling them I want to be a figure competitor, or that my next show is in 7 weeks, June 26th. But that IS my next show, and those are my plans, and everything else is sort of falling around that.

I've been really blessed to have certain support systems in my life over this past year as I began my journey to the stage. One of the kindest and most generous people in their time, effort, and understanding was one of my supervisors at work, Heather. Heather encourages me to be myself and makes me trust my intuition and judgement. When a lot of people are questioning how healthy competing is physically or mentally, she understands that what I do is in the name of the game - that if I want to do this I have to suck it up and do it... even if that means having a few weeks of pain and suffering (and crying). Heather reached out to me from the kindness of her heart and offered to let me stay in a guest room of her house post-graduation. At first I thought she was just being excessively nice (she has the tendency to do that), but one day she conveyed to me the seriousness of the offer. I accepted :D

So yesterday, after working (and working out) at the gym I began my trek to become the newest addition to the Heather household. First my dad and I wrestled my twin bed from my room at the family house... down the stairs and into the van. After transporting and assembling it here at Heather's I went back to Winston and packed up some more things from the room that I used to share with my sister. Do you know I've never ever had my own room? This makes my new living arrangements even more exciting! I went over to the dorm to say goodbye to Ellen and get a few more things - since I don't have to be officially moved out of the dorm until May 17th (graduation) I am not rushing myself with getting all of that mess together. It's sort of like a war zone in there after Ellen moving and exams. I got my food from the fridge all packed up in my multiple coolers, some clothes, and my bedding. Then I headed out to get groceries. For some reason 12ish on Friday is NOT a good time to be grocery shopping because all of Winston Salem was out and about in gridlocked 90+ degree weather getting their grocery on. I snagged my 10lbs of chicken at the Chef's Mart along with my spinach and salad and then headed to Whole Foods to buy lunch for myself. I didn't want to have to worry about food prep as much yesterday so I had let my fridge get really low on everything so that transporting it all wouldn't be a huge hassle - or make my food go bad (note, 90+ degrees here). So I bought myself a delicious plain grilled chicken breast from their deli counter and it was delicious (something yummier about not having to make it for yourself). Back at Heather's I got to become acquainted with my shelves in the fridge, my shelves in the pantry, and the most beautiful thing of all: the dishwasher.

The rest of the day was very nice too. Heather and I met her brother at Wake and went to a used book sale over at the coliseum. I got myself two books for casual reading. How crazy is that? I actually WANT to read a book - and for fun! I'm looking forward to this because I was quite the avid for-fun reader once upon a time and I'd like to get back to that again. Kim suggested to me the other day that I needed to give myself a break from electronic media and communication. Yes, I might have an internet addiction and I am trying to cut back! After the book fair fun I took Heather to Riverbirch to get the weekly steak and potato meal. We sat outside and our waiter was sort of strange, but he didn't force the desert tray on us, so that was good! Later that evening I went and removed the rest of the packed boxes from my family house and fed the cats that I've been babysitting. Then I returned to Heathers and went to bed. That was probably the most restful night's sleep I've had in a very long time. Her house is more into the outskirts of Winston in the country, so it is very quiet and there aren't garish street lamps. I can turn my sleep machine up all the way and fall asleep to the lulls of sweet white noise....

Yeah, this is a great beginning.

I'll post again soon about my adventures today... there were so many of them that I am totally worn out (in a good way). So look out for the tale of the 15 dollar crate of a sweet potatoes coming at you tomorrow morning ;)

Commence Zombification

2010-05-07T07:13:00.003-04:00

I need to be more realistic about this whole having energy thing. Just because school is over doesn't mean I get an instant energy boost... even though that's how I imagined it. Yesterday I hit one of those energy walls that reminded me why not everyone in this world does/can do figure. Sometimes it's just mind-bogglingly difficult.

My roommate has gone nocturnal, which means she's going to sleep when I'm waking up. This also means that my sleep schedule is intermittently interrupted by her during the night due to her needing to get back into the room and retrieve things to work on her crazy super long essay that has been slowly killing her. I hold none of this against her, but it still remains that I am not getting the recovery time that I need even though I really, really need it! So yesterday on barely any real sleep I got up to go in for a full day of work. During my leg workout, for the first time ever, I reached my failure point. I'm supposed to do free motion squats at 140 for 3 sets at 10 reps. Third set I only got 8 before I was stuck on the floor. My mood quickly soured (I was already in a pissy mood from lack of sleep and my third-degree-burn level americano). It sucked. I've never had that feeling before - it hurt physically and emotionally and just fueled the anger and aggression I was already feeling. Of course most of this got directed at myself, but it was still a lot to deal with. I finished my workout and was quickly drained of all energy. Sometimes I get really wiped after a truly heavy weights session, but this was more than just one of THOSE days. I keep thinking about last contest prep, trying to figure out when it was exactly that my energy levels starting falling off and I started living like a zombie. I'm not sure there was a day, or maybe I was too stressed and overworked to notice it. I'm pretty sure yesterday was that day of this contest prep. I think zombification has commenced.

So imagine my chagrin when I realize that the WFU is closed on Saturday because summer hours start today - weekends are nixed entirely. Now, I know I have access to other gyms in Winston, but other gyms don't have Prowlers, and Saturday is Prowler conditioning day. Kim's answer to my problem? She told me I could do my 5 makeyouwannapuke pushes either yesterday or today. Well, that's not much of a choice! It got to choose between compounding my energy drop and failed legs with more hella-heavy weight OR destroying my already sore and sad legs the day AFTER my leg-failure. I went for the same-day trial of pain. So after training clients, working at the library, working back at the gym, taking care of my neighbor's cats, and slipping in a quick little nap... I came back to the gym and pushed that prowler until I felt like I was going to retch my chicken and SPs all over the Miller Center floor. This would have been enough to put me over the edge, but I also had 30 minutes of cardio left to do. So after training Maria, training Elliot, and working behind the desk at the gym again... I finally started my 30 minutes of cardio at 8pm. Finally got back to the room and forced myself to take a shower. I had my last meal right before cardio, so I couldn't go to sleep until 10 (2 hour rule between food and bed) so I watched some X-files and called Jamey.

I'm sort of excited about my nerdy venture into the X-files. It's a TV show I've always wanted to watch but never had the time to. So I checked out the first half of the 1st season and I've been fitting in pieces here and there. I figure I deserve a little down time now and again, right?

Today is the day of the big move! It's not actually THE day, since I haven't packed everything into one congolomerated mass to simply relocate, but it's the first day of the big move. The plans for the day? My dad is going to help me move my twin bed from my room in my family home to Heather's guest room and I'm going to attempt to get my food over there too. Yes, I've prioritized the two most important things for the move: sleep and food. I'm pretty excited and I hope I have enough energy to get through it all. I'm NOT a big fan of moving, mostly because I've been doing so much of it for the last four years (semesterly basis and all that). It'll be nice to settle in for a little bit... but I can't get TOO settled since I'll be living out of a bag again come mid-June when I'm at Governor's School again. In anycase, check back to see how it goes :)

Get your temperatures right!

2010-05-06T08:15:00.003-04:00

Ok, so what is UP with how hot Starbucks makes its Americanos? First off, it's like 90 degrees outside here in Winston so why in the world do we need matching beverage temperatures? When I come to get my tasty caffeinated savior I want to be able to consume it right then and there. None of this foolish waiting 15 minutes for it to cool down foolishness. When I pull into your drive thru at 7:30 I want to drink my Americano at 7:32 NOT 8:00 because it's so scalding that I have to pour out half of it and use the gym water fountain to cool it down. I wanted to get my leg work out for the day in at 8, but now I am waiting for 8:30 so I can have enough energy to do it via my SB Bev of choice. I'm already in a pissy mood this morning because my roommate, god bless her sweet sleep deprived soul, has become totally nocturnal. This means that at 6amish she is headed to bed and 6amish has been when I want to sleep in until. My sleep is interupted by her moving between rooms, turning on lights, climbing onto the bunk, watching TV on her laptop, etc. It's not her fault she's on the normal college sleep schedule, but I want that sleep! I want that relaxation. I want to drop any and ALL stress, not just some of it. But you know what? Tomorrow is part one of operation move into Heather's. I'm not sure how the logistics will go yet. Number one priority is to get the bed over. Number two, the food.

Making the Money!

2010-05-05T18:12:00.002-04:00

Where has fitNasti been and what has she been up to? Not the same ol' same ol' my friends... 'cause as my last post musically expressed: I made it. I am done writing papers, studying for exams, homework, etc... Instead I've been doing crazy things like sleeping, making food for the entire day, and packing to make my big move over to Heather's. I've also been working like mad, taking all sorts of hours posted all over the place: library, gym, etc. I'm making the money!

I Made It

2010-05-04T22:22:00.000-04:00

Test Tired

2010-05-03T07:42:00.002-04:00

I'm test tired... exam tired, paper tired. Trying to finish these last three pages on my paper is like walking through sticky sweet honey that I cannot eat. I feel like I'm just saying the same things over and over and over again. This is probably because I am just saying the same things over and over and over again. Ugh, this is not like a good philosophy paper which great analysis and argumentation. It's like a hybrid English paper trying so hard to be a philosophy paper. This is what throws me off about ancient philosophy. But yeah, only three pages, somehow I'll pull it out by tomorrow.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty good. I was really well rested and even took some time to nap. Granted I did have to work a few hours and worked on the paper and studied for one of my exams today... but it was pretty outside and things weren't so hectic. I kind of enjoyed yesterday.

For some reason I am so tired today. I'm really dragging and not focused. I don't understand why since I got plenty of sleep and yesterday was my rest day. I just feel "off" - is this that weird transition period from college to the "real world"? I just want to get done with all this stupid stuff that's still left hanging onto me like a nasty leech. Tuesday at 5pm, no matter what happens, I am done. Done done done done. I just want that to be NOW so badly. I think that's part of my "off" feelings. I am anxious to have this all over with. It's not going to take me an entire day to study for anything (or I refuse to) or write this paper, so I am just anxious as I try to find ways to fill the time and get these couple of days over with. Granted, my filled-to-the-brink work schedule wasn't ideal, but I never felt restless like this, since there was always something to move on to. Yeah, I know I need to chill out. I will... at least by 5pm tomorrow ;)

The Hope of Progress

2010-05-01T16:17:00.003-04:00

Well I think it's pretty clear that there have been far too many positive posts up on this blog in the last week or so - it's time to throw some nasti into this, because after all, this blog is my vent tool.

Here's the deal ladies: I am 22 years old. Do not do that whole "you are so young, your metabolism is so great, yadda yadda, you're lucky etc" thing to me. Ahem: false. In this sport being older is better. Why is this? Two words: muscle maturity. If you are in your 24+ age range and just starting into the sport you are going to look a lot different than a (barely) 22 year old starting into it. This is especially true if you've lifted weights recreationally. The muscles in a mid-twenties female have had more time to adapt and increase in density. Even if you have never picked up a weight at age 24 your reaction to weight lifting will be fairly different than a 22 year old student's. This is why even at an 8% bodyfat on stage I looked less "hard" than the other girls around me. [Granted, not being as carbed up as I should have been affected this as well]. In some ways I have the advantage that if I stick with this sport (which I intended to do) by my mid-twenties I'll be very hard with great muscle maturity. However, coming into shows with women who, at their first show, already look significantly more "hard" than I do is sort of intimidating. It cheers me up to know that in a few years I'll be really spot-on, but it's also sort of an in-the-moment let-down. It's hard to see other girls excel so swiftly with what seems like less effort and more gain. I've talked with many other competitors whose cardio routine is very low and who get to enjoy carbs for long into their diet. 2 hours of cardio and no carbs for 2.5 months? Yeah, that was me. It sucked.

And people who think that being 22 somehow makes my diet easier: hell no. First off, I am at College and while you might think that changing your eating at work, or on the weekends, or whatever is hard I bet you haven't tried it in a dorm, with stovetop burners from the 1960's. I also bet you haven't been kept from sleep by riotous parties or exam week stress. Have you ever tried to write a 12 page philosophy paper with no carbohydrates? Have you ever tried having no carbohydrates for months at a time? I am tired of comparing my diet with other peoples'. Mine was hard as hell, deprived me of sanity, made me incredibly tired, and did affect my ability to function and my mood. If you are one of the lucky uber-sane on a diet people I do not need to hear about how mightier-than-thou you are. Yay for you, I also bet you've never had IBS, lactose intolerance, or problems with grains. Yeah I don't even get nuts ever, so don't whine about how tough things are when you get a tbsp of peanut butter in your protein shake. And if you're 4 weeks out from competition and snarfing on a pudding cup then you can kiss my 150lb prowler pushing ass. Sorry, I am happy for you, I really am. I respect your true dedication and the effort you've put in. I realize that it's hard for everyone and that everyone has different levels of what hard is. I'm just saying, it's been a rough road and still is. The ending of my first competition doesn't mean everything changes and I just get to eat whatever I want. I don't even get a cheat meal because my system truly cannot handle it at all. I know in the long-run this might help me, but sometimes it's depressing to know that you want that snickers bar sooo bad but even if you did eat it the repercussions would be more than just messing with the diet. There'd probably be hives and regurgitation too. That's the life.

Then when the clouds are dark and dismal, I remember I have one little advantage that many other girls do not: I am a gainer. Kim and I are a lot alike in this regard and sometimes we refer to ourselves as freaks (in an endearing way). Yes, I am one of those rare women who somehow puts on the muscle. Even on a hypertrophy diet I am eating super clean (still paleo dieting) and not getting an excessive amount of carbs because if I did I would just start putting on the fat. Many women who are "hard gainers" spend an awful lot of effort and enjoy an awful lot of food trying to put on a few pounds here and there. I guess it's alright to always be a little hungry with a mega-strict meal plan as long as I'm making progress. Sometimes a lot of competition feels like a waiting game. I'm waiting for my muscle to build and densify, waiting for hypertrophy to end, waiting to really absorb the technique of posing... It's so much patience and foresight. In weaker moments I wonder if this is something I should keep doing if I am not going to rise to the top anytime soon, or if muscle maturity is so far away, etc, etc. Then I remember that the habits I set for myself now will make training and competing in the future when I'm prime just that much easier. I realize that this is a lifestyle choice, a desire for an ever changing future-me that will always be better than the day before. How crazy is that? Every day I improve myself physically through this training. Even when I don't see results right away, even when I have to be nerve-wrackingly patient, my body is making little changes to make itself better.

It's not just about the body either, it's also about the mind. Training and discipline gives my life the sort of structure I need to feel safe. I need safety, especially when so much in my life is changing right now. Graduation, no matter what your plans are, is somehow a life altering event. The feelings I have now are conflicting and far-reaching - it definitely effects my mood and perception about training and myself. I know in a few weeks things will probably be different and I'll have a whole new perspective on what's going on. But that's what keeps me going: the hope of progress.

Adventure Bootcamp Winston-Salem

2010-05-01T08:17:00.005-04:00

It's official, fitNasti will be the new 5:45pm instructor for Adventure Bootcamp Winston Salem. It will be a 1 hour long 4-day (Monday- Thursday), 4-week class starting May 17th. I encourage women of all skill levels in the Winston-Salem area to come work out with me :) Sorry guys, it's women only!

There is more information on the mother-site, but please e-mail me at antonina.whaples@gmail.com if you are interested or have any questions. Do not be intimidated!! I promise ALL skill levels. Come get moving and make your life what you want it to be!

Jello Shots

2010-04-30T20:28:00.003-04:00

X-Tend Jello Shots!

That's right kiddies, this morning Kim and I sat at the gym desk and did jello shots: Branch Chain Amino Acid (BCAA) Jello Shots. Yesterday post-tanning I had to pick up some asparagus so I popped into the Lowes Food and grabbed me a little bundle (which was way too expensive at $3.49lb). While I was there I did a little adventuring, because sometimes I get curious about what I could possibly safely add to my food. Kim and I had been talking about the idea of BCAA shots for a while so I thought I'd check out what the Jello section had to offer. There I found plain ol' gelatin 0 carbs, 0 sodium, 0 everything, except 5calories and 2grams of protein. Nom! I mixed up my favorite flavor of Scivation X-Tend: Refreshing Apple and added the gelatin & hot water. A night of refrigeration in my pyrex pan resulted in tasty little cubes of muscle-making goodness!

News from the war-front, aka exam week: I took my final exam in Japanese today and I'm pretty sure that I passed - which means the ONE huge responsibility I have towards graduation is under my belt! It makes me quite happy. I feel like a huge burden was hoisted off my chest. Amazing. Today after the exam I met up with my sister and we went over to riverbirch lodge to pick up my phoned-in steak. Nom nom nom. I had to pick it up instead of dine-in because I had to work over at the gym from 5-7 and my steak-and-potato meal fell square within it at 6pm. So there I was at "the six," the WFU satellite gym on the Friday night of exams with no one else around... 10 minutes 'til a client at 6 I started scarfing down my much awaited meal. It was almost heartbreaking. This is my one sacred meal of the week and I look forward to that juicy tender steak so badly... and I had to practically inhale it. I licked out the entire container and sucked the juice out of the frozen cherry bag too. The three guys doing martial arts on the mat room across the hall gave me some pretty strange looks. Eh. I am comforting myself with the idea of a big fat sweet potato tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day. I've got a way early shift at the library for the annual "Wake The Library" hours here - we usually don't open to 10am, but the hours are extended because of exams. I'm working 'til like 11am when I'm gonna have to hit the prowler at 150lb several times before high-tailing it over to Fitness 2000 to do some posing practice and then zip it back over to the libs to work and hopefully make some headway on a paper due Tuesday. My last undergraduate paper ever! I'll let you know how the day develops, but for now I'm finally feeling some relief and I'm really enjoying it...

Strong Girl Friday: Mermaid Muscles…How To Grow Fins While Dieting For A Show

2010-04-30T05:55:00.000-04:00

Mermaid Muscles…How To Grow Fins While Dieting For A Show

By Kimberly Coronel

Being that I am 9 weeks out from the stage and I want to see faster results I decided to add in more fish to my diet because I tend to digest it better. The downside is that I am extremely hungry! I go grocery shopping on the hunt for some light flaky fish preferably wild, not farm raised. Cod, sole, haddock oh my! Cooking it brings such a nice smell into my little apartment as it reminds me nostalgically of Pike Place fish market back home in Seattle. I love to open up my fish container at 8:30am each morning in my office and scarf it down in between clients.

I’ve also resorted to buying three lbs of fresh broccoli florets from Chef Smart and see how fast I can plow through its fibrous spears. Three pounds in two days to be exact!

The end result of this broccoli bonanza and fishy madness? Hopefully I will see faster fat loss and possibly blossom into a beautiful muscle mermaid at the same time, so be on the lookout for my fins…

Energy Enigma

2010-04-29T11:26:00.006-04:00

9 Weeks Out!

[Now you can see my dorm room. Do not Judge]

So it's happened, what I've been waiting for... the return of my energy. I feel so normal, it's really weird. I like it. Last night I went to bed nice and early/on time around 9:30 and didn't wake up this morning until 8:00am. Glorious! That's right people, no 6am shift at the library, no 10am Japanese class. It's kinda freaky. I spent yesterday afternoon making food and lots of it. I cooked 10lbs of chicken on the George Foreman and crockpot. I cut up and baked the SPs that Cindy got for me, grilled up all my bison for the next 6 days, and washed and tupper-wared a few cans of black beans. Somehow this made me feel more like a figure competitor. I remember way back in January when things were tough I would ask myself "what would a real figure competitor do?" but now I ask myself "what should fitNasti do? " That's right, because now I am a real figure competitor - how cool is that?

Yesterday was moderately busy, especially with squeezing in shifts, clients, and physical therapy. I hadn't been to see Dr. Gray in a while (2 weeks?) and I was grateful to have him work on my left leg, which still gives me some trouble. It's so nice to go there and I'll be sad when my insurance runs out and I can't continue treatment. It's always fun to chat with Marijean and Maria about things (especially when I have energy). When I got off a shift at 12 yesterday I headed over to BVI to get my tan on. I admit it, it's become enjoyable and relaxing - I even fell asleep on the bed and got a mini-nap! Post-tan I was finally able to get over to Chef's Mart and buy my 10lb bag of chicken and bulk produce. I had to zip over to Dr. Gray's and then right over to work at 4, so I wasn't able to drop by my room and put away my groceries. This lead to me dragging my food down to the gym with me and stuffing it into the mini-fridge behind the desk. This is the second time this week that I've had to utilize my work place for food limbo. On Sunday I stuffed my Wal-mart chicken into the fridge at the phonathon. I think I've pretty much lost all my boundaries when it comes to what I'll do for this competition which is why dragging around raw meat doesn't even phase me.

Yesterday I had a fun double-session with two of my favorite clients: Maria and Elliot. Maria is hard at work for her FAME show and NPC Junior Nationals and Elliot is just plain crazy to want to train with me (just kidding, I am not that intense no matter what the rumors are). It was definitely fun for me to tag-team the two and I just hope that they also enjoyed it.

Tonight I am headed back over to Fitness 2000 to meet up with the Jillfit girls to do another run through. I need as much heel-time as I can get. Yesterday I heard some feedback from one of the NPC judges who basically everyone I've talked to has said is THE person to impress. His opinion really counts. His advice to me? Simple: put on some more muscle and practice my posing. That's exactly what we are doing! I am so glad to hear this and not: be leaner next time, or work on your proportions, etc etc. Build muscle and practice my posing. Got it! I've put up one of my 9 weeks out photos so you can see the difference. I might just be convincing myself of it, but I'm pretty sure I've put on some more muscle and I hope that there's more on the way!

School, yes, one day very soon you will not have to hear me talk about it again... Tomorrow is my first of three exams and I honestly haven't studied excessively for it. I've got a little plan today to study for an hour, take a break, study for an hour, take a break, etc... At this point I am not worried about the things that I cannot control. I will be alright. I will graduate. I will survive!

Americano A**

2010-04-28T08:09:00.003-04:00

Yes, this morning I spilled my precious americano on my a** not just once, but twice. How is this even humanly possible? How does one go about spilling scalding hot beverages on the booty? This story could not be made possible without the culmination of a series of events that started yesterday night. I have this group project due today in Japanese and anyone who knows anything about college or school in general knows that group projects are H.E. double hockey sticks. Personally I feel like group projects are a little too high-school for a University of Wake's standing, but my Japanese sensei is all about some group projects. I think she must feel like 2 quizzes a week, essays, readings, and graded homework every night for a class that meets daily isn't enough work. As such she's assigned us the dauntingly impossible task of coordinating 3 disparate schedules to complete a ridiculous project. Needless to say this coordination was quite tough and we didn't get done with our work until late and I got to sleep at 11:30. That's like 3am for normal people. I had to wake up at 4:30 to get my food cooked for the day and get over to the Bootcamp. I was late, of course. And then I had to leave early because my co-worker at the Miller Center wasn't able to find a replacement and I needed to be there sparkly on-time. Just as I got into the car, I got a text from one group member about how our project was in ruins and we'd have to do some last-minute repair work. As I drove and talked (not texted) I made my way towards sanity aka the Starbucks. Now Jamey's x-terra is a beautiful thing, but its cup holders are a little big for an SB venti cup... and so it happened that as I sped down Polo Road with my cell phone in one hand and my other hand on the wheel... pulling around a corner lead to the americano tipping over and spilling down the back butt-pillow of the driver's seat. Whoooo that was HOT. After I got off the phone I attempted to slow the speed and watch the americano. As my friend Anna would say "no dice." After another unfortunate turn this rear-end got a double dipping in caffeine frenzy. It's a good thing I'm wearing my house-of-pain camo pants or there would be just one more reason for all the young men on this campus to do a double-take on the donk. I mean you can't have junk in the trunk like this and not get some stares, so keeping it all on the DL is a priority and stained butt cheeks are not on the DL. Will I have time to change pants today? Umm, that would be a big fat no. Looks like it's fitNasti all the way today.

Exams are right around the corner and my studying has been at the near-zero level. It was sort of hard to squeeze in yesterday when my day consisted of a 5am wake up, 6am work, 7am lifting, 8-10am work, 10am class, 11am client, 12-5pm classes, group project from 5-6, drive to Fitness 2000 (for posing practice), 30 minutes cardio pre-posing, posing, shower, progress pics, group project 'til 11, phone call with Jamey 'til 11:30. Yeah. Not exactly a free moment.

Posing practice was alright but I didn't feel as good as I did with Maria. I'm still sort of awkward and I haven't gotten my straight-line walk down quite right. I think all of that is just heel-time. More time in the heels + more practice = getting better. But still, in the last 3 weeks I've gotten in more practice for this June show then I did for the April show, so I'm on the right track... it's still a long road to perfection (if there is such a thing), but at least I'm on that road. I should be focused on the journey, not the destination, right?

Today should be my first real opportunity to study, but that's still in question. I have physical therapy today and I am in much need of it too - my right leg is feeling wonkified. Who knows how many other chances I'll have to go before my insurance runs out when I graduate (sad and yet not sad at all). Then there's training, and working, and clients, etc. We'll see what happens. Bottom line is: I will prevail!

Finding my Flourishing

2010-04-27T08:29:00.002-04:00

O.M.G. What is that I see running up the inside of my wrists... could this be vascularity? There is still no sign of the coveted bicep vein but, (I am pretty sure I'm not just convincing myself of this), I am getting more vascular! It's a really good feeling when there are all sorts of negative feelings floating around the University these days. Yes, the stress has spread like an airborne epidemic to all nooks and cranies of this cornocopia of knowledge. Part of the pressure this week is caused not by coursework, exam expectations, or fears of failure. A lot of this is peer perpetuated - it's the most wacked out version of peer pressure you can imagine. Even if I have nothing to fear (which I don't) hearing everyone else's fears is freaking me out. I am getting a bit overwhelmed by the negativity and anxiety that other undergrads are putting on me. This needs to stop. I will be avoiding this at all costs - almost as much as I am avoiding doing more work than necessary. Do not talk to me about your exams. The end.

I made myself a promise yesterday to treat myself as I deserved. This promise what reiterated this morning while I franticially prepare for my shift at the library. I was rushing out of the room, late as usual, with a cup of coffee in my hands and my 35+ backpack, 5lb cooler, water bottle, protein shake, etc, etc. Apparently I flail around while I walk because 1/2 of that coffee ended up on my legs in a splotchy mess that looks like a poorly applied fake tan. No more of this. No more unnecessarily early mornings with not enough sleep for a paycheck. No more hastily huffed breakfasts and walking almost a mile to get to work in the morning. No more of anything that makes me want to scream and rebel against the world. While I know that I only have 1 week (yes one) left and "a lot to do" in a little amount of time, I am done pushing through this. I am putting down my pack, as Jamey calls it. No more of this foolishness. I've worked my a** off for 4 years straight (summers included) to get to this point and now that I'm here I refuse to work any harder. While others were chilling and partying I was busting this butt. With 30hrs over my minimum graduation requirement, I am in little fear of failing. It's time to get some sleep. What I need now isn't a high gpa or honors or anything like that - it's recovery time. I have a small window of time to build my muscle and, by god, I'm going to! I deserve this. And if for some reason my entire four years of preparation goes down the tubes over a few days of laxidazicalness then WTF?! I'll take some time off and finish whatever it is I need to this time next year. But seriously, I dont' care what anyone else says or thinks or knows. This is my life and I'm tired of being run over by it. Don't even TRY explaining to me that it's just another week of hard work. That's another week of my life that I don't want to lose, and yes, my life is that important to me.

It occurred to me that I haven't quite explained how my workout schedule has changed over these past few weeks. With my current hypertrophy schedule I am working out with heavy weights 5 times a week and doing 5 days of 30 minute cardio. Monday and Thursday I do legs. Tuesday is shoulder/arms, Wednesday is Back & Conditioning (Prowler), and Friday is chest/triceps/shoulders. For the last few weeks I did intervals everyday except Friday and this week I am switching to intervals MWF and incline T/TR

In anycase, I am off to do more than survive the day. I want to flourish.

Looking Forward

2010-04-26T07:18:00.002-04:00

Oh pillow, we will rendezvous later ;)

Recently I've been feeling like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders - but it's not the world, it's just school. I'm in that ever-familiar circumstance most undergrads experience where no matter how much time you are putting into studying or focusing on school it just doesn't seem like you're retaining anything. This, my friends, is caused by the big baddie: stress. Stress, stress, stress - it permeates every mitochondria in my mind and muscles. For people like me who don't know how to stop and take a breath and who don't really know how to relax or take "me" time, stress is just about the worst thing you can throw into the mix. I am quite successful at avoiding person-related stress. I just remain my anti-social self, getting human contact via the 'net, through my figure/fitness friends, and brief conversation in class. Otherwise, I don't have time for your drama. School stress is the most evil because it is "false stress." What I mean by this is that no one is going to die if I don't pass an exam - not even me... but somehow, someway, it seems like I will die if I don't. I need to graduate. This need is stronger than my stress.

I have a stress strategy to deal with this: sleep. I feel like my usual 7-8 hours a night isn't nearly what I ought to be getting. 10 hours would really be ideal, but until my night shifts end, and I stop being a slave to WFU, I will not be able to get the entire chunk in one go-through. As such, it is time to supplement with copious amounts of napping! I have never had the opportunity to nap before, as my schedule was too jammed packed. But, with exam week weirdness going on, all the campus shifts are getting moved around and funkified. Also, Kim has a lot going on mid-day so we've moved my usual 12pm workout time to 9am, which leaves 11am-3:00pm MWF this week open for napping (I mean... I'll be studying then, just with my eyes closed is all). I think one of the reasons (among many) that I've been so tired/depleted/drained even with all these carbs is that my building makes me need much more sleep, rest, and relaxation. Well I'm going to make the very, very, very tough decision to put aside my selfish tendencies to be an extreme overachiever and give my body what it needs. You might not see how difficult this is for me, but other brainiacs here at Wake can empathize. It's almost like a badge of honor when you can conquer your HW on absolutely no sleep, running off the energy of 3 packs of red bulls. Yeah I've been there before. Never again.

Another strategy I employ is "looking forward." I remind myself that if I can just get through these next couple of rough weeks then all the things I am looking forward to will come into fruition. I imagine a whole lifespan free from classes if I so desire. I imagine never wasting a single thought on something that only matters for a silly grade. I think of living with Heather and having my own room for the first time in my entire life. I imagine going to sleep and not worrying about someone waking me up, disturbing me with their loud parties, or wanting anything from me. I dream about her beautiful dishwasher where I can deposit my tupperware at the end of the day and not worry about hand-washing and drying each one just to re-soil them hours later. Maybe one day I'll even have nice tupperware that doesn't rip and tear after a few months of continual use. I think about us curled up on her couch with blankets watching Glee together and playing with her doggy. Maybe one day I'll be able to go to bed at 9pm and not have to wake up until 6am! Oh there are so many hopes and dreams that I have in my back pocket to whip out and stare at while I wish away these last few weeks at Wake. Of course I imagine myself back up on the stage, strutting my stuff and placing in the top 3. Yes, this is what I imagine when the week looks bleak. Only 'til next Tuesday do I have to rue my life. Then I am freakin' free of this place! Before I know it I'll be on my flight to SLC to visit Jamey and meet his crew. [P.S. If you are a figure competitor in UT who wants to meet up let me know!] And then I'll be getting ready for Governor's School and 6 weeks of ultimate fun with amazing youth from NC all ready to get the smack-down from Art TAC extraordinaire, Antonina Whaples. It'll be good to see the old gang and 2 weeks into the whole sha-bang I'll be back on stage! Yes, I think if I keep looking forward I'll be able to manage this tragedy of the moment.

Standards of Determination

2010-04-25T12:51:00.007-04:00

Ok, so it's probably not the best idea ever to give your blog link out to people like prospective sponsors and employers when the most recent post is about the nastiest of all things. So let's change that! At least they'll think I'm fearless, right? Wishful thinking....

fitNasti has been up to her usual ways this weekend - working the library, earning the big bucks! Yesterday was spent mostly getting my life back into some semblance of an order and realizing that there is about an entire month and a half worth of school work that I just simply do not remember doing. There I was, sitting at the reference desk, staring at my japanese vocab list thinking "wow, I remember this section exists, but that's about all I remember". Well it's too late to think about that! There will be no more learning here folks, just cramming. It's the cold, hard truth! I hope someone out there with the ability to eat doughnuts will eat a bit fat one for me this Wednesday to celebrate my last day of undergraduate classes ever. Oh freedom is so close and yet so very far away.

Drawing of SB cup on my Japanese notes...

I am very ashamed to inform my readers that I almost cheated last night. My energy level was super low and I had just gotten back from the library having eaten the last meal of the day. I was supposed to meet with a group to work on a project and no one had shown up. I felt so weak, so tired, and so frustrated. Under my bed is a shoe-box with some protein bars from the Arnold in them. There it was in its shiny purple plastic wrapper: my temptation, a chocolate mint Myoplex bar. I started rationalizing to myself why it would be ok for me to eat it. It was just protein after all, and I am building... and I need my energy.... and stop, wait, how many carbs are in this thing? Is this really going to make me feel better and give me more energy? What if I have an allergic reaction? Will this mess up my digestion? If I just put it back and walk away I won't even notice, right? Right. I walked away. But I was so disappointed in myself for even wanting to cheat and going far enough to rationalized to myself why it would be OK. It is never ok. Once you give yourself the license to cheat you can never take it back. As Jennifer wrote in her recent blog post:

First off, it is my ass in a bathing suit (if that is what you can call that thing) on stage for EVERYONE to stare at. It will be MY ass that jiggles if I eat that one scoop of ice cream. And frankly, if I cheat once, what will keep me from cheating again? It is like Pringles, you can't have just one. If I don't win, I want to stand on stage proud knowing that I worked as hard as I possibly could to be where I am. If you have that one cheat, you will BLAME yourself for that forever.

This isn't the first time this week that I haven't felt up to my normal standard of total determination. Thursday after working out I felt so super depleted and gross and all I wanted to do was skip my cardio, skip class, and skip work and just lay in my bed all day long. It was such a strong desire. First I started getting pissed off that I wanted it, then I was mad that I couldn't do it. I worked it all out in my head too: how I had barely missed a day of class all semester, how it didn't really matter at this point, how my paycheck could handle it (it can't by the way), etc. I even texted Jamey in probably the whiniest ways I ever have. But, in the end, I went about my day in the same way I always do. And it's not even that my head isn't in the game either.... I'm not sure where this is coming from but I want it to go away. Ellen told me that I'm just human. This is true. The most important thing is that I didn't give up and I made it through. That's just how it goes.

This morning my sister Becky came over so that we could go to early morning mass together and spend some quality time together. Even tough we work similar shifts at the library it seems like we never get much time to talk or do anything. At least I get to see her! After mass we dropped by SB and I got myself a much-needed Americano. (What is up with my energy levels being so low?!) Then we dropped by Whole Foods so I could get a bitty bit of grocery shopping done. We picked up my 3 lbs of bison for the next few weeks and my coconut milk. I've been using almond milk in my shakes but we're switching to coconut milk for the electrolyte benefits. It'll be good. Over at Harris Teeter I got myself a bag o' white russet potatoes. Now why would fitNasti, ultimate enemy of the carbohydrate/starch, be buying 8lbs of potatoes? Well that's because I get to have a 1/2 of one post-work out with my shake now. Jill has decided that I need a little more uumph after my totally killer sessions with Kim. This should keep me from wanting to faint mid-class 30 minutes after my workout! After all, I'm not a hard gainer, so let's put some muscle on this baby!

Becky eating my breakfast concoction

Then I got to make Becky some breakfast - I fried her up some bison and sweet potatoes and added a little butter and cheese to it to make it not so super-clean ;) Kinda reminds me of the concoctions I would convince Jamey to eat (that were always good I might add). I topped it off with a cup of chai tea, sweetened with honey and my remaining few tbsps of almond milk. She seemed to enjoy it, and I enjoyed making it! Talking about food - why does it seem necessary to bring donuts, caprisun, and muffins to Sunday cleaning at the gym. Is that just supposed to be ironic or what? fitNasti is not a fan.

Foolishness.

Getting Graceful...

2010-04-24T10:53:00.004-04:00

So it's official: I smell. And no, it's not that unshowered smell either (I actually can boast to not have that issue). This is the asparagus-broccoli-bean smell that leaks out of my pores, emminating around the room. And then there's the PFs... so embarassing. I try not to stay in one place for too long because I don't want anyone to figure out that it's me causing that awful compost-bin aroma. I'm blushing just writing this. On this note, one of my co-workers asked me today if I had to monitor my BMs and weigh them. Yes, and no (weighing them? c'mon that's weird). Monitoring is somewhat necessary... especially for someone with as sensitive GI issues as me. Hypertrophy diet is amazing, but not on my intestines which rebel against SPs in all of their glory. My poor, sweet roommate Ellen isn't saying anything but I know it must be terrible to have to live with me like this. I haven't emptied the trash can as obsessively as I usually do because I think in someway if it stinks too then I can blame the rancid odor of my room on that instead. As I fall asleep at night releasing my toxins.... I can hear Ellen in the other room spraying febreeze. I am so sorry. It's a good thing Jamey isn't here to witness this. I feel really disgusting even relating this to you, my readers, but fitNasti is all about the truth... and this is the terrible truth. There is hope for the future though - in several weeks I'll have adjusted and sooner than I know it I'll be on my 6 weeks out diet and the smell issue will minimize itself. Jill is also looking for a nutraceutical-grade fiber for my general distresses. This is the sad little life I lead.

The days are just whipping by for me. I think the feeling of impending doom with my first exam less than a week away. I'm also cramming my days full of work in the true spirit of being myself. Yeah, I've always found a way to drain my days of any and all free time, even before I was a competitor. Back in the day it used to be schoolwork 24/7. Glad I found something less nerdy ;) Jamey claims that my athletic metamorphasis is just another sign that I am an overachiever. I don't know what would give him that idea.

Yesterday I had my first stage-presence/posing practice session with Maria and it was fantastic. She put in a Santana CD and we got working! I've uploaded it to my ipod to help me get in touch with that inner essence Maria is encouraging me to discover. Maria makes me feel so comfortable with myself and assured of my own success. She told me that when I am on stage I must protect that moment in the way I protect and cherish the people and things in my life that are the most important. When I am on stage it will be my time to give a gift to the audience and acknowledge my judges. Maria explained that what the judges are looking for isn't all the technical stuff they'd seen a hundred times before. What they wanted to see was my essence. She said, "they see what you have, now they want to see what you can do with it". I will show them! I'm soaking it all up. I AM going to rock that stage in June. I'm practicing my t-walk in my heels tonight and I'm bringing them along for my stacks hour tomorrow. I'll be "walking a straight line" in tiny steps like Maria suggested - she explained that being short made longer strides make me look too bouncy and sort of ridiculous. Well, we don't want that - it's time to get graceful! I know that each moment of practice is building up to something more beautiful.

5-inch heels! (this is not my foot)

fitNasti Logo

2010-04-23T07:14:00.003-04:00

What keeps you going? I want to know what it is that gets YOU through your everyday life. I know that sometimes (most of the time) I seem like a lunatic with the way that I live my life.But, putting everything in perspective, I don’t have it that bad off (watch me totally take this back on some hard a** day). Yesterday at posing practice I was talking to my friend Jennifer and was just overwhelmed with total admiration. Here she was, 6 weeks out from FAME, looking beautiful with the stage presence of a Vegas diva, and feeling totally drained. I can imagine why! She’s been dieting like hell for as long as I have, for a show further out than my first one! Everything she’s been through is so legit and completely fitNasti. Between working hardcore as a banker and being around corporate culture food (and people), helping out at her parents’ restaurant, and fighting off all the haterz, she is doing 600 f*ing lunges 6 days a week. WTF. I am grateful beyond words that I have never had to do this! Yes my diet is mega-ultra-strict, yes the cardio makes me want to liquefy my own brain, and yes I work a bajillion hours & write mega awesome deep philosophical treatises… but I think if Jill or Kim had told me to do 600 lunges a day on top of all of it… I would have had to re-evaluate my life. Luckily my proportions currently allow me just worry about density and building instead of cannibalizing my lower body. Let’s hope it stays this way! In the mean time I am sending some SP energy in Jennifer’s direction…

Yesterday at posing practice I was the special-ed kid as per usual (don’t get all PC on me about the special-ed comment). First off I was late because I went to tan at 7pm. This turned into me actually getting into the stand up (which I hate) at 7:20. This was actually because of a good occurrence: meeting fellow competitor Tiffany Santos. There I was checking in for my bed when I noticed this super-tall, super-lean girl I swore I had seen somewhere before. That somewhere just happened to be at the State Championships! Listening to her give nutritional advice to one of the tanning workers confirmed that she was a competitor. I introduced myself and we talked NPC for a while (thus my late tanning time). I think she is absolutely beautiful and has great showmanship. I hope I see her at BVI more in the future. After my tan I bolted over to Miller where I had to sprint up the stairs to make sure Jill knew I was there (late) and sprint back down the stairs to retrieve my suit & heels from the office and then sprint yet again up the stairs to the studio to practice. Good news my friends, I have made some improvements! I am starting to get this whole pivoting on my left foot thing and I am able to hold tighter and tighter every time I practice. I was even happy to pose in my utterly exhausted state yesterday because I knew it was more like what I would feel like on stage. With these sessions and the help of Maria, I’m going to rock it out in June!

Maria and I are having a grand ol’ time training her for FAME. We’ve been meeting three times a week to work on legs (with a focus on hams/glutes), shoulders, and back (with a focus on lats). I’m really excited to see how the prowler will affect her hamstring tie-in and pull up her glutes. I think it could be really beneficial. I love training with Maria because she has such a positive spirit. She does little victory dances in between reps and isn’t afraid to really push herself. Her encouragement is addictive! Maria used to work as a staff member here at WFU for 17 years before she retired and became a divinity school student. Inspirational. She’s just about to finish up her first year in the school and totally understands how difficult it is to balance training and taking exams!

I still haven’t had any time to do anything. I mean anything. No grocery shopping, no laundry, and yes, no bathing. I haven’t showered since Wednesday: go ahead and judge me. It’s kind of hard to have time when literally every hour of every day is totally penciled in. Classes end next Wednesday and exams are about smack me in the face like a bag of bricks. Do you know that this time next week I’ll be taking my Japanese exam? Yikes!

I have some very basic needs that I am going to try and take care of today and tomorrow and I am trying to figure out the logistics. If Operation Sweet Potato (OSP) hadn’t gone so well, and Cindy hadn’t been so sweet, and Tara hadn’t left me asparagus in the Miller Center fridge… things would have been way more woeful this week. Grocery shopping is a number one priority but make no mistake, it is time consuming and costly. The generosity of many this week has allowed me to save a little and not panic about the shifts I missed last week because of my post-competition barf party. But somehow I’ve managed to make ends meet and will continue to do so… when I was doing taxes with Bahkit a few weeks back I realized that I’ve done all of this living on only $9,000 a year. I am so grateful for the assistance I’ve received, both large and small, from the wonderful people in my life. I couldn’t do this without all of your support. I wish I could do more to show this appreciation than sing your praises in a blog post, but it’s all I’ve got for now!

Look out world because fitnasti.com is going to be officially up and running soon! My friend and fellow-artist Daniel Jackson is hard at work on the page this weekend and we’re hoping to launch in the next few weeks. There’s not too much left to pull togeter and yesterday I finished designing the official fitNasti logo, (sometimes it’s a bonus to be able to do your own art), and here it is for your viewing pleasure!

Strong Girl Friday: "Team Animal" Takes on an Adventure Race Hardcore Style

2010-04-23T04:41:00.004-04:00

"Team Animal” Takes on an Adventure Race Hardcore Style
by Kimberly Coronel, CPT & Powerlifter

Last weekend I had the opportunity to participate in an outdoor adventure race at Hanging Rock State Park. The course was a secret but we knew to expect hiking, biking, canoeing, and many obstacles.

I eagerly signed up my boyfriend Josh and I and looked forward to fresh air, lots of cardio and a chance to navigate the great outdoors….did I mention that I am dieting for a bodybuilding show too?

I am four weeks into my training and diet and I have been very successful in my ketogenic diet which involves protein, lots of greens, healthy fats but no starchy carbohydrates.

So the crazy side of me thought, why not try to do this endurance race on no carbs? After all I would be burning fat and getting closer to my stage worthy physique goal.

The morning of the race Josh and I arrived bright and early to a large group of participants. We named ourselves “Team Animal” proudly wearing our shirts. I tore mine up a little to scare the competitors! Josh looked at me skeptically as we checked out our course map. I realized then that neither one of us was good at reading maps. Oh well! Off we went my belly full of chicken and green beans while everyone else chowed down on granola bars and simple carbs.

The hills climbed endlessly, each step burned through my glycogen depleted quads. I hoped that warming up would make it less tiring but I was wrong. You know that feeling you get when you do the last few reps of leg extensions? That screaming lactic acid fire that permeates through each muscle fiber? That was me. But, I kept on as we finally got to the biking portion of the course, no relief there. More hills, more EPOC accumulation (Exercise Post Oxygen Consumption) Metabolic Effect training nonstop! Mentally, I wanted to cry, scream, and stomp my feet in frustration but the rational side kept me focused and Josh stayed by my side the whole time battling his own aches and pains.

By this point we were about four hours into the course. The canoeing was next and we were told it was around one hour long. By the time we jumped out of our canoe which was full of water thanks to crashing into a rapid, we put on our soaked shoes and hoped the end was near. At this point I ripped open a nice packet of tuna and ate every morsel of it! Hopefully, there weren’t any bears nearby…

Seven hours later, almost thirty miles of terrain covered (minus the shortcuts we attempted to take) we crawled into the finish area cheered on by our fellow survivors.

Our bodies were thrashed with fatigue, I was laughing deliriously, and relief washed over us for the challenge we finished. So, as the race food of sandwiches, chips, granola, and candy was devoured by others I happily dug into my next meal of chicken, green beans plus an apple as visions of posing on stage confidently flashed through my head. Endurance athlete by day, bodybuilding animal by night…roaarrrrr!

Team Animal at my Post-Competition Meal!

New Friday Article with Kim

2010-04-23T04:38:00.002-04:00

As I sit here sipping my coffee and realizing that I seriously over-estimated how much time it would take me to make food this morning (better safe than sorry), I realize that I never introduced the fact that my trainer, Kimberly Coronel, will be writing a new Friday article for me: "Strong Girl Friday." The article will chronicle her fitNasti moments as she preps for her first bodybuilding show in June (same date as my show, different location). It seems like every time we train/talk we are recounting some absurd moment to each other so now, for the first time, you can share in this :)

Training Day Photo - After Squats

2010-04-22T08:51:00.002-04:00

Exhausted after 140lb Squats

Operation Sweet Potato

2010-04-22T07:58:00.006-04:00

Yesterday boasted an epic occurrence: the successful fulfillment of an unexpected mission. Remember in yesterday's angered post where I mentioned that a Farmer's Market would be visiting our campus? This was supposedly to occur on our quad but because of the drizzly day they moved it to our campus cafeteria (appropriately titled "The Pit"). I got a text message around noon from Sarah saying "free whole raw sweet potato's in pit". I flipped out. FREE SWEET POTATOES? To those of you unbelievers this is direct proof that there is a God and he is active in the universe. Unfortunately I was working at the Miller center and I had no idea where my student ID was (required to enter the Pit). I was crushed. There I was with 35 meals on my student account that will never be used (we are required to buy these to live on campus) and the perfect opportunity to get the groceries I desperately needed while incurring no cost to myself. What a downer.

But wait, there is a twist to this tale!When Sarah grabbed some goodies for me I decided to call my sister Becky, who I was fairly sure would assist me in my potato plight. Soon I was texting pretty much everyone on campus whose number I had... I figured that with everything I've been through in the last few months I could handle any bad reactions to this strange request. Before I knew it my phone was blowing up with excited texts from a whole slew of people eager to assist! My friends Emily, Greg, Jenifer, CJ, Eliot, Brittni and Jackie all answered my pleas and collectively endowed me with 4 heads of broccoli, 4 large heads of lettuce, 3 heads of romaine, and an even 30 sweet potatoes! On top of the asparagus and SPs, courtesy of Cindy, that I picked up from the library yesterday this should be about enough to last me through the end of hypertrophy! I think this is probably one of the coolest mass efforts to take place at WFU.

It also gave me the opportunity to experience several fitNasti moments as I sat behind the Miller Center desk with what looked like an entire produce section next to me. I was able to put on quite a show for the 4pm gym crowd as mid-hallway I got down on the floor to transfer SPs and greens from pit take-out boxes to my dirty cooler tupperware for the sake of consolidated transport. My posing practice must be affecting my coordination because I was able to balance my 10lb cooler with my 30lb backpack, 40oz water bottle, and a bag full of about 30 sweet potatoes. Yeah, they were heavy... seems exercise perpetuates itself outside of the gym for me everyday. I looked super-cool pack-mule style as I waited outside of Polo dorm for someone, anyone to let me in (remember the lost/forgotten ID card). Of course I found my card as soon I as got to the room and put away the produce. Typical.

I performed another operation yesterday as well, but this one was more surgical. I decided that I could not longer stand my chicken-esque talons. After tanning for the first time in about two weeks I popped over to Sally Hansen and bought myself an acrylic nail file. Back in my room I hacked off the tips with toe nail clippers, absolutely butchering them. It's a good thing Ellen wasn't present for the nail shrapnel flying across the room. I swear I tried to find and pick it all up, but in the end that was impossible. At least it's only plastic. I filed away at those babies and now have manageable, normal looking fingers! I tried to paint them in between writing paragraphs for my philosophy paper last night but this ultimately ended up in a sloppy job and the removal of a coat on my left hand middle finger which I apparently never fixed before venturing into the world this morning. I swear I mean no offense by this.

Proof of my nail improvement and current paleness level

All in all my days this week have been characterized by having no time for anything. I think my 12 minutes in the tanning bed was the closest I got to having "me" time this week and even that was for the sake of competition. You'd be amazed the pastiness level I can revert to in only a week. I've been kept afloat by the promise of the completion of undergraduate education and a future filled with positivity. I like being busy but even fitNasti needs a breather. I'm really feeling the full effect of this hypertrophy regiment Kim has me on. So far my legs have been in a perpetual state of soreness for an entire week and I just did legs again today. This morning I felt pretty off while doing my weights and I'm not sure why. I'm probably just exhausted from this lengthy week and the fact that I got up at 3:30am to finish my philosophy paper this morning. Yep, it's done and I can breathe that sigh of relief. Only one more paper to go before exams are accomplished and I can feel the full force of freedom I so desperately thirst for. I'm sort of getting used to just feeling weird and off everyday. I'm guessing this will fade, just like my energy level and higher brain function, as I draw closer to competition. In some ways that drained feeling is actually comforting because I know better how to handle myself when in it. Not being used to all this energy I feel anxious and on edge a lot of the time and experience big fluctuations in mood. Mostly, I find myself very energetic for small bursts and then super tired and wanting a nap really bad. I'm at the wanting a nap stage right now. Maybe I'll be be able to get to bed early tonight after posing practice and classes. One can dream, right?

Training Day Photo - 150lb Prowler Push

2010-04-21T09:16:00.001-04:00

150lb prowler push through the Miller Center

Adrenaline Anger

2010-04-21T06:38:00.006-04:00

I spent a good 5 delirious minutes this morning scraping glutamine off the backside of my teeth with my eyebrow tweezers. This was after waking up at 5am and realizing I had fallen asleep around 6:30pm for approximately eleven hours or so. I don't even remember waking up to pee. Man, I must have been tired. I started fading in PAC class yesterday at noon so by 6:00pm when I headed out of digital lab I knew I wasn't going to be able to make it to work or even through working on a philosophy paper (now due tomorrow). It was also around this time that soreness from lifting legs Monday starting to sink in (omfg). I threw my tupperware in the sink, took out my contacts, took my somalyze, BCAA's and fat burner and called Jamey to say goodnight. Then my head hit the pillow and it was sleep, sweet sleep, 'til this morning. I am still tired. I feel like I could go BACK to bed for another 11 hours, but unfortunately I still have a paper to write, clients to train, and money to earn. Maybe this weekend? Somehow doubtful with it being the first weekend before exams. I haven't even had time to do really simple things (other than school work) like grocery shopping or doing my laundry. I've been eyeing the fridge warily knowing that supplies are diminishing. Luckily I now have a vehicle so I'm not in total anxiety - it's weird not having to panic when things start leaning up in the fridge. Now it's not a question of will I have a chance via some one's car to go to the store, but when I will make the time to go get them myself. It's unfortunate to have to do my grocery shopping alone, but I'll survive - this was one of my favorite Jamey-centered activities! Today the local Farmer's Market is coming to campus and I am pretty excited about it! Even though it's raining (and I'm at work all day and have cardio left to do) I am going out to the quad to see if they have any sweet potatoes or asparagus. I want a crate of SPs! I'm also looking forward to retrieving a little gift my friend Cindy left for me at the library: SPs & asparagus! It feels good to be thought about and taken care of a little bit - makes me feel loved & appreciated :)

My post-workout mentality has been totally jacked and by this I mean I am unnecessarily aggressive. I forgot that I could get like this or that this feeling even existed. After lifting I feel so antsy and anxious and all this adrenaline is just pumping through me at a million miles an hour. I don't want to do anything and yet, I want to do EVERYTHING. I think my current stress about school probably isn't helpful either. I feel like I've been under an extreme amount of stress and pressure for months and months now and all I want to do is throw it off and pound it to the ground and rip its heart out and eat it. Yep, that's how I feel about it all after doing lat pull-downs at 130lbs (well over my body weight). I think this song just about sums up how I feel about school, papers, assignments, quizzes and professors in general; warning the lyrics are not suitable for young ears. That being said, I haven't really spent any time studying for my last quiz ever in Japanese today. f-that, if I fail it I am totally ok. UGH, I am so tired of all this bsh*t!!! I am trying so hard to channel my anger into productivity, but we'll just have to see where this day takes me. I think some calming green tea, 15 minutes in the tanning bed, and finishing my philosophy paper will help. After all, it'll all be over soon, right?

Training Day Photo - Posing after Bicep/Shoulders

2010-04-20T08:36:00.000-04:00

Posing practice after biceps & shoulders :)

10 Weeks Out from Victory in the Valley

2010-04-20T06:14:00.005-04:00

Post-competition & nasti!

Did you know I am now 10 weeks out from my next show? This seems bizarre to me. In some ways 10 weeks sounds like forever and in many other ways it feels so minute. This is especially true when I put things in perspective, like how there are only 4 weeks of hypertrophy & sweet potatoes remaining... Or how this is the last full week of classes and exams start next Friday. I think, "is 10 weeks enough time to improve my physique and posing techniques for next time?" I look at my inch-thick daily planner and see how I've marked off the weeks with little encouragements like "Week 2 hypertrophy" or "9 weeks out". One step at a time, one step at a time. It's crazy how each moment brings me a little closer to my next goal - exciting!

Yesterday Kim and I weighed me in to see how things are progressing. There was a part of me that was dying to know and another part of me that was scared to look. I was scared for two reasons, the first being the (wrong) instinct that gaining back is bad. The second was the fear that I wouldn't be able to put on enough muscle over these next 4 weeks of hypertrophy. In the end I was happy with what I learned. I'm keeping lean but not in a place where I can't build. Like I've said, it's weird to go from burn mode to build mode. Most people don't get why after working so hard to "lose/burn" I would want to disregard this and put stuff back on. My roomie and I talked about this last night - we discussed a girl we know who competed and refuses to accept and love her body unless it's in show-shape. I get that it's hard to let go of that image of sheer leanness but I just can't imagine hating my body just because I'm not perpetually my 104lbs stage weight . In fact, I really like how I look right now - nice and healthy. Nothing can beat the feeling of having enough energy to enjoy where you are. I finally have enough energy to enjoy how I look. I also remind myself that I drop around 10lbs of water-weight the last week via dehydration. That's right kids, the last week is that drastic. It's important to put things in perspective and not lose sight of the end goal. There's no reason to dislike where you are just because it's not where you were. But I've never been here physically before and I never will again. Everything is a progression and the body can do so many incredible things. I'd rather be here then crawling hand and foot on the floor in misery, totally emotionally crippled with no carbs ;) I know that's coming again soon enough. This is a crazy lifestyle!

It's so nice to feel energized during the day. Is this what it's like to live without wanting to collapse every 5 minutes? How in the world did I do that for 4 months? I'm in that place where I can reflect on the past and wonder how in the world I survived, somehow I did! Now it's a different sort of survival and a lot of it is emotional. I've found myself being very defensive and prone to emotional breakdowns and I apologize for anyone who is witness to this. I'm not sure how much of this has to do competition as much as huge life changes: end of semester stress, imminent exams, packing & moving from my dorm accross town to a new room, figuring out employment, prepping for my show, getting enough sleep, Jamey being gone, my friend Sarah moving, etc, etc. This is probably one of the strangest moments in my life with all that is happening. I can make it through this!

Have you ever been taken for surprise by the kindness and generosity of others? I feel like I am taken for a ride everyday. For example, the lovely messages and comments I get from you supporters - I am addicted to your positivity! A truly great kindness has been shown to me by fellow blogger Jason Adams who did a post-competition interview with me for his blog Promoting Real Women. I feel so honored to be included on the site with people I truly admire like Tracy Dawn Winters and Allison Moyer (anyone in the Jacked up Divas crew). One day I hope to be on that level ;)

I am also happy to announce that I'm working with fellow Jillfit competitor Maria Jones to get my stage presence spot-on. Maria is training for FAME in May and Jr. Nationals soon thereafter. She's asked ME to help train her! I am totally honored that she would put this sort of trust and faith in me, but I'm up for the challenge! I'm working on the parts I know best: butt/hams, lats, and shoulders. Maria is already a figure veteran with about 6 shows under her belt. She's got a great physique so this is only detailing, but it feels like a big responsibility. I am so happy to be given this gift and opportunity. Yesterday I had her squatting, lunging, deadlifting and pushing the prowler. Yeah she's addicted to it now! We are getting together on Thursday to do stage-presence work before I go to train posing technique with Jill. I've been very good with my posing goals. I've been able to keep to my training 1x a week with a coach and at least 1x a week by myself. Last Sunday I put on the heels and rolled out a book truck to the 8th floor library stacks and walked the shelves like it was the stage. I would prance down a row and do my pivot just like Jill showed me. I smiled at the books like they were the judges and practiced keeping everything tight. Oh yeah, fitNasti is REALLY gonna rock the stage June 26th. :)

Training Day Photo - 90lb Deadlift

2010-04-19T13:08:00.002-04:00

Leg Day, 90lb Deadlifts :)

Gimme That Girl

2010-04-19T06:37:00.004-04:00

I've noticed a trend - perhaps you've noticed it too... that my morning posts are always much more positive (and coherent) than my afternoon posts. I think part of this is that I am actually one of those rare morning people - even when I was tired/sick/exhausted on my worst leaning-out day pre-competition, I was still way happier in the morning than the afternoon/evening. I think it's in part due to energy and also because each morning is like a new life with new possibilities and new things to accomplish. It also doesn't help that I usually end my day with some high-class begging from WFU alumni for $$. Telemarketing is a rough business and super draining but it pays well. I had forgotten how emotionally draining it was until my return to the fold yesterday. 5 hours of begging will do strange things to a person no matter how many sweet potatoes they are allowed. Also, sometimes when I haven't gotten my goals for a day done, the afternoon is just a big let down. School has to be the worst of these let downs - like when I've wanted to get a lot more HW done and I don't end up doing it (which is totally my own issue). It's amazing that I can make myself squat 140lbs 30 times but I can't force myself to sit for an hour and focus on school. I know it's part of the whole senioritis thing and partly because there's only 1.5 weeks of class and then exams left... and because at this point I can't fail out of college (or at least I believe that's the case). But still, it all gets to me. I can't wait to breathe the big sigh of relief the last day I take an exam: Wednesday May 5th. I bet you all are ready for me to stop obsessing and complaining about school :)

For the last week I've been interning with Cherie's bootcamp. As of May 12th I'll may be taking over the 5:45pm bootcamp at the Pfafftown location (so if you're in Winston you might have the chance for fitNasti to kick your booty). Wait, where exactly does this interning fit into my already crammed schedule? That would be during the 5:30-6:15am slot MWF before I go into work 6:30am at the Miller Center. It's a little tight but only for a few more weeks. It does means waking up at 4:15am to be able to get ready and head out over to Bolton Park and be on time. I swear Cherie must think I am a tardy-type but I swear I always get stuck behind some crazy grocery truck or something and end up a few minutes late. I try so hard to leave earlier and earlier and I seem to always get there at the same time. You'd think 5:15am traffic wouldn't be an issue, but those grocery deliveries are fierce! This morning Cherie asked me to lead the camp for a 30 minute workout and warm up. I decided to go ME style... but I seriously watered it down. I even TOLD people to put down the weights & rest but I still got some nauseated campers :/ I think Cherie might think I'm crazy... I hope she let's me come back. She asked me to do more obstacle course type work next time. My bad.

As I rode back on Silas Creek I listened to 98.1, Jamey's classic bluegrass/country station - I am trying to educate myself on good country music so that when we go to some concerts in the Fall I'll actually have an idea of what's going on. I heard this song while I pulled into campus and it totally reminded me of fitNasti. I like the lyrics from Joe Nichols' "Gimme That Girl"

"Gimmie the girl that's beautiful,
without a trace of makeup of on,
barefoot in the kitchen,
singing her favorite song.
Dancing around like a fool,
starring in her own little show,
gimmie the girl the rest of the world,
ain't lucky enough to know. "

Sometimes you need to give yourself the right and license to be "that girl," and for me that means being fitNasti. It wasn't 'til yesterday when I was sitting behind the circulation desk with my hair pulled up, my BoSox ballcap on (don't worry I'm not a die-hard fan I just love my hat), jeans, an oversize cotton t-shirt, and a bra that didn't fit (because none do anymore thankyouverymuch), sporting the specs... that I had felt so much pressure to look pretty/cute/etc during the last few weeks of competition prep. I had this outside non-fitNasti mentality of "if you've got it flaunt it" ... I couldn't bring myself to even do it! To me wearing some eyeliner is high maintenance. Right now I am lookin' good, unwashed with my workout clothes that don't quite fit, my bball cap & chicken colored nails. My glamour is reserved for the stage and the camera only. It takes so much effort to try and conform to "cuteness" expectations and I honestly feel so much more comfortable being grungy. I might not ready to embrace that done-up side of me yet, but I'm in no rush and have plenty of time to become more self-aware. For now I think people should be happy that I even apply deo (anyone else thinking about Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends?) It's a good thing I date a man whose job requires him to go showerless for weeks!

Today is leg day AGAIN. How is this possible when my legs are still sore from Thursday? I don't mean achy or a tinsy twinge. I mean sore, homies. It's all good though because I want it sooo badly. 12pm workout with Kim is keeping me going and allowing me some focus when all I want to do is throw my hands up in the air and scream with sheer frustration (all school related). And my post workout shake is chocolate JayRobb protein powder with almond milk (soon to switch to coconut milk), glutamine, and a whole banana. Mmmm chocolate. Imagine me drinking my shake like this:

Still Sore & Setting Goals

2010-04-18T07:49:00.007-04:00

I am still mega mega sore this morning which is crazy. I did this to myself Thursday and maybe I worked myself a little too hard ;) If you recall, Thursday is on of my "on my own days" where I lift without Kim. I had to totally psych myself into that workout - I was so nervous about not being able to push myself hard enough without Kim's presence. Well, that's certainly not a worry anymore now that I've reached that knee-buckling stage of complete soreness. Yesterday's waddling has turned into hobbling. I started feeling like this last night when I was told to close up floors 7-8 at the library which meant walking up 4 flights of stairs to do it. Sure, I could have taken the elevator but I've made it the entire school year riding that metal cage exclusively when I have to shelve books... fitNasti 1 Elevator 0! The 3 times I woke up and peed last night I literally dragged my legs off my hard-plasticy dorm mattress by grabbing my thigh and heaving it onto the floor. I then made the 20 foot trek to the bathroom and slowly back again. This morning when I awakened and instinctively stretched I felt some fairly extreme pain. I'm still not complaining though! Soreness = progress ... and progress is keeping me going!

Yesterday I finally got rid of my shiny-sparkly-glittery competition nail color. It looked great on stage and with the suit, but in class and in everyday life it is ridiculous. There are some things that even fitNasti can't pull off. Last night it took me one Glee episode and an entire bottle of lemon-scented nail polish to be free of this tacky burden. I still haven't been able to chop these bad-boys off but I did fill in the huge gap growing between the gel nail and my real nail with some neutral nail polish. I'd like to call it "chicken color" because I think it matches the hue of my crockpotted goodness. This way when food gets stuck under my nails no one else will really notice. Yes. I just said that. It feels good to be back on the down-low. fitNasti can only do glam for so long.

Want to know something hilarious that happened yesterday? I was sitting at the library Exit desk, studying for my last kanji quiz ever, when an acquaintance approached me. He began to ask me about my facebook photos (the ones Ariel took). He asked me why I had posted all these "cropped pictures" and superimposed my face onto them. I was like - are you serious? If he wasn't such a sincere person I am not sure how I would have reacted. He thought I was splicing my face onto other people's bodies and posting them as part of those facebook profile picture trends. Don't worry, I set him straight, and not in a mean fitnasti way either. I couldn't decide if I was insulted or complimented... I know I'm not wielding a chainsaw in cut-offs and a wife beater on a daily basis, but it's not like I lost my mojo or something. And for you people who are photo mongers there will be updates soon. I am no longer covered in hives so I think this is do-able! I'm going to start a picture for each training day and I've been thinking about making a youtube station to link to via the new website of some Strong Girl Fitness training. What do people think about that?

Today is another "rest" day which as we know really means that I am going to be rushing around at work all day: library and then phonathon double shift. I cannot believe I haven't been to the pthon in over 2 weeks! It'll be interesting seeing how I feel about it after this respite... suddenly the thought of the awful call-center candy basket no longer phases me. I'm full of delicious sweet potatoes and while I might get hungry in the evenings it's all good because I get a whole medium sweet potato in the morning. Mmmm. Another thing I love about the morning is my 8oz cup of Joe. Sometimes I'll enjoy a SB Americano courtesy of Bahkit, but I've really become a fan of making it in my room either carrying it with me to my morning activities or drinking it out of my favorite "somebunny loves you" mug (I am also a big fan of my valentines heart mug from Heather, but that is usually reserved for tea). I admit it, I love cute things. You have no idea how much. I was really into the Folger's gourmet "Hazelnut Creme" for the last month or so, but I ran out and they didn't have it at HT the other day when I was grocery shopping. I settled for Newman's Own "Vanilla Caramel" because it was on sale. I have to say they are pretty similar in scent but the Folger's brand is a little smoother tasting. But hey, the scent is like 90% the enjoyment! What is your favorite coffee? I am open for suggestions!

There's one last thing that I want to write about this morning: my daruma doll. Remember waaaay back in January when I started rooming with my saintly roommate Ellen? She had just returned from Japan and brought me a Daruma doll - check out the old post for more details. It's been sitting on my desk shelf for months with just one eye filled-in, waiting for me to complete my first competition. One of the first things I did after competition was fill in that eye! I love my bronze statue but I feel like my real statue/award is this dumpy little japanese doll. I am looking into getting another one and making my related goal to place first in a competition. Granted, this doll may go eye-less for years, but it'll be a motivator. Motivators are so important in this sport! For now I have to move my mind off my sport and into my degree - it's 1.5 weeks 'til exams. Let's rock this out!

Evita Analogy

2010-04-17T15:41:00.002-04:00

I absolutely love the movie Evita and the soundtrack. Doesn't this song mimic that figure "star quality" idea so well?

Hypertrophy Week 1

2010-04-17T10:03:00.009-04:00

I've been saying this for days, maybe months... but things have been so busy and I think that they're just going to keep being like that - not that I mind... I think being busy is really going to help me cope with these next few weeks. Since I'm on hypertrophy protocol right now things have changed considerably. I'm not working out 2 hours a day anymore and my diet isn't depriving me of all energy. Kim's got me going for 5 days of weights & cardio with the weekends free for recovery - much needed recovery. My body has definitely been overtrained for a while and switching over from burning to building is a bit of an effort. There's a certain point in cutting where things stop being incremental and just start snowballing out of control. Right now we are walking the delicate line between maintaining a low bf % and building some serious muscle density. Let me remind you that I am only 22 and fairly young for a figure competitor. Most of the girls I'm up against have several years of experience on me and muscle maturity. It was barely a year ago that I even started lifting and it has been less that a year since I started with Kim and Strong Girl Fitness. As such, I am amazed at my current muscle mass and ability to add density - in a few years I'll be a serious contender and I'll be more concerned with shaping/fine tuning and maintaining mass than adding.

Kim's plan must be working because I am so sore. I know I've lifted heavy and hard enough when I have late on-set soreness. I mean soreness starting a full day out from a lift. For example, I pounded my legs Thursday and last night I started feeling a tender-to-the-touch soreness set in. This morning I could barely walk! I feel like an invalid waddling around, and if anyone asks me to get up out of this seat at the circulation desk they will receive the "look of insecurity" (my patented death glare). This morning I had to park my new ride (more on this below) far away from the library because our campus parking is WACK. Not only is there basically no parking to begin with, but since they've begun expanding our campus, and today the campus is hosting the Piedmont Earth Fair, and this weekend is Campus Weekend (prospective students come to look around), there is even LESS to be found. Granted, since I'm used to walking the mile to class & back to Polo multiple times a day, this usually wouldn't phase me in the least ... but I parked down in the lovingly titled "hole," by the Bio building and walked with my 30lb+ backpack, cooler, and 40oz waterbottle up a STEEP INCLINE in searing pain. Since I had just been in the car for about 3.5+ hours driving to Charlotte & back in time for work (more on this below) I needed to use the bathroom SO BAD. I was trucking it up that hill with all my effort. Halfway up some dudes with 'tude, decked out in backwards neon baseball caps, driving in one of those Wake-excessive SUVs yelled & honked their horn at me. Excuse me- what?! Do you not know you are honking at fitnasti? I hope you realize you were honking at an unwashed, dirty little figure girl who sucks the chicken juice out from under her absurdly long fake nails while driving on the interstate (getting those talons cut as soon as I can!)?

When I got to the library my supervisor hadn't arrived yet and it was just a smidgen before 10am which meant keycard access only... and I couldn't find my card anywhere (common occurence which is super annoying). I was a deer in the headlights as I rummaged through my bag, cooler, and pockets in search of it. I still don't know where it is, but divine grace intervened as another student arrived, keycard in hand, to let us in. It took me .2 seconds to drop all my stuff on the floor and sprint to the restroom. This is the one downside to a gallon of H2O a day!

Now to explain some recent changes to the fitnasti lifestyle:

I have been very, very blessed to have Jamey in my life these past four months of figure. He's helped drive me to buy groceries, talk me through times of turmoil, supported my fitnasti habits, and encouraged and inspired me to be the best person I can be. If there is one true rock in my life, it's Jamey and I appreciate this with every cell in my tiny little body. Jamey will laugh at me for posting this, but he's a true hero. You know those crazy wildfires you hear about on CNN? Well, those are the ones he spends his summer fighting. Yep, that's his full-time job. Based out of Salt Lake City, his hotshot (isn't that such a cool name for them?) crew, Bonneville, travels around the west coast fighting what he's deemed "the most awesome" fires. It's a really fantastic way to live life and nothing like you'd imagine. Hotshots are some tough cookies (or should I say cliffbars) who survive some of the worst physical pain and deprivation on a daily basis. While I'm here sipping on a gallon of water a day to help me look lean, he's chugging on about 4 gallons of day just to stay off the cusps of being dehydrated. While I'm avoiding sodium like it's satan, he's pouring salt into his canteen to keep up with all he's sweating out. I'm prancing around in 5 inch heels and he's pounding the earth with heavy boots. It's an hour of incline walking for me and 10 miles of elevated hiking for him. As I try desperately to get dark for a show he's sporting soot inches thick on his skin. I dream about hamburgers I'll never eat and he's at In-N-Out burger making the dream a reality. I think it's a great dynamic :) Afterall, we both inhale our meals like we're dying... he just happens to get about 3,000 calories more a day than I do.

Keys to the X-terra - I like the duality of my new key chain and the Elite fts lanyard

Yesterday was our last steak-and-potato date night together at Riverbirch Lodge(starting to love that place) and this morning we drove to Charlotte to send him off to SLC. Bonneville won't be on-call till May but he's got to get situated and adjusted to the elevation before all hell breaks loose. Before they start on their "rolls" I'm going out to visit him - it'll be right after graduation. While he's there he'll be commuting to HQ the few days he's not in the wilderness via motorcycle... and I'll be bopping around Winston in his X-terra (hence my new ride). I love how I've got his US Marine front license plate and Iraq sticker on the back to make me look all bad*ss and have other drivers treat me with respect. Better not mess with fitnasti now!

With all that's happened in the last few weeks, all that is happening, and all that is about to happen it's no wonder I'm a little overwhelmed. I still have my final Plato paper to finish and my last PAC paper to write. There are two more quizes in Japanese, two projects, and three exams left in the next 3 weeks. Before I know it school will be over, hypertrophy will be done and the ball will be rolling for all sorts of plans to come to fruition.

fitNasti - Coming Soon! New Website development!

2010-04-15T15:55:00.010-04:00

So life has been hectic as hell recently. All I do is work, work, work and crazily enough having carbs helps, weird right? I've spent basically every free minutes of everyday this week working on that paper for my Plato class and it's still not top quality. Somehow I will survive this. It helps that I'm not crying continuously anymore - thank god. I don't even know what my deal was with that but I was just totally overwhelmed in all ways. I just couldn't get myself to calm the freak down. I kept calling Jamey in total tears, repeating the phrase "I just don't understand why I'm like this." I still don't understand why I was like that. I admit, I cried a little bit today when I was in the stacks re-shelving but it was a moment of happiness. I was listening to some sappy uplifting power music and realized for a split second ... that I did it. I DID IT! And not only did I do it, but I PLACED. This still hasn't set in at all.

I've been having lots of fitNasti moments recently. My skin is nasty from the protan and hives. I'm all scaly like a sad little lizard. This is somehow appropriate since my parents used to call me "nink the skink" when I was a kid. You should see my elbows where the cracks look like an arid desert dipped in chocolate. I still have some eyelash glue that won't quite rub off and everytime I ponderously rub my chin in philosophy class I get a big fat skin shed. My arm pits look like I deodorize with dirt and you can see literally every hair follicle on my legs from the stubborn remaining pigment. My calves are all jacked up and cramping all the time. Dr. Gray says it's from the dehydration and all I can do for now is heat them and massage them. Youchies.

Today, as I sat in my parent's van outside of the art studio and munched away on my bison and broccoli, a campus cop rolled by and gave me the classic "wtf" look that I've gotten so used to over these last 4 months. It was then that I realized I like being fitNasti. I sort of enjoy the license to pick out the last bits of broc from the bottom of my flimsy, stained, and stinky tupperware with my tacky-glittery fake nails. I like carrying around an entire gallon of water all day and inappropriately slurping it out of the jug in class. I like taking out my gum, putting it on the side of my tupperware lid, eating my sweet potato in two giants bites, and then picking off the gum with my aforementioned nails and returning to chewing it - it's even better if it's in class. There are other things that I realized I missed too - like having to pee all the time because I am super hydrated. I am well pleased with rushing to the bathroom a billion times a night because my body is saturated with H2O.

There are some fitNasti moments that occurred recently which made me think "one week ago this would have made me cry" - simple things like spilling my entire gallon of water on my chair in Japanese class today and soaking my pants... and that I am unable to get rid of that stupid fish smell pervading my room (even though I haven't eaten fish since last week!).

Not all fitNasti moments are necessarily nasty... For example I am really excited about my new project with fellow artist and friend Daniel Jackson, who is developing my new website:

fitnasti.com

We're hoping to get it up as soon as possible and we've been working hard on it during studio hours. At some point we'll be able to move the blog over to that site permanently and give everything a little more of a professional feel. The more professional fitNasti gets the more likely we'll get sponsorship... right?

fitNasti hasn't gotten ranty and angry recently so it seems like a good time to do that. I am so sick of hearing people comment on my recent success by saying things like
1. You are so SMALL [ok, I get it, I'm petite but seriously....]
2. Is placing 5th... good? [Hell yeah it is]
3. When will you eat real food/Shouldn't you be eating a hershey's bar right now? [SWEET POTATOES]
4. Are you glad it's over? Was it a let down?
5. You look like you gained back some weight.... [I would HOPE SO]

and MOST OF ALL I am tired of skinny little betches emailing and messaging me about how now that I've done my competition and placed they think they want to do a competition too. And they barrage me with annoying questions which reveal their ignorance... telling me about how healthy they are so how easy it will be for them to transition. My question is who are you, how did you find me, and why do you think I want to hear you toot your own horn? I will be ignoring these messages. To you I dedicate this picture that Heather sent me:On the other hand I've been getting some very respectful emails from some great girls who I know are serious and not purely flippant when they say they want to try a competition. To these girls I give Jill's information and wish them the best - if you truly want it you can do it. By this I mean you have to want it without a win and without a placement. This desire has to come from deep within for you to pull through it, especially your first time. I hope to see some new Jillfit girls on the stage soon :D

It's day two of heavy lifting and I'm own my own T/TR with no Kimmie. I'm sort of nervous to be lifting this heavy on my own, but I've gotta confront that and push through. It's leg shaping day and I hope my calf cramps hold up through it!

Game On!

2010-04-14T06:53:00.003-04:00

Today I finally got to go back to lifting heavy. I mean gut busting, muscle ripping, heart pumping, burst-your-eyes, want to puke, wet your pants heavy lifting. I am full of delicious carbs from the last three days of hypertrophy dieting and wonderful, wonderful sweet potatoes. Want to know what's amazing: waking up to a full sweet potato, 6 egg whites, and 2 cups spinach and feeling full. I love hypertrophy! It's time to build some muscle baby! Kim had me doing lat pull downs at 130, push-up rows at 25, one armed rows at 40, and reverse grip bent over rows at 70. Hell yeah, I'm back baby!!
This week is still a major adjustment period with my body, but I can tell that it is willing to soak up anything I give it, which is why it's time to pound it with heavy heavy weights and put all these good carbs to work building some density! I think having energy has totally thrown me for a loop and in some ways made academics more difficult. I got so used to functioning with so little brain power that now I am over thinking everything. This has been one of my primary difficulties with the Plato paper - I am just thinking too much about everything. There is something to be said for survival mode: it sets the standards low and allows you to focus on one thing at a time. With carbs and energy I am suddenly mentally multitasking. My brain is absorbing so much at one time that I am becoming overwhelmed by simultaneous intake. How bizarre is that?! This morning I felt refreshed when I woke up and less guilty about my academic mediocrity. I'll make up for it somehow. Jamey and I were talking about this last night before I went to bed. It's the last few weeks here at college and they are going to be hella hard - I've just gotta grind it out and plug through everything. I know that my best now is not my best in comparison to the past but it's still my best. I haven't compromised my effort and I am actively working on everything. Yeah, that's right I am actually feeling ok again! I feel like my sense of humor is returning and I'm able to laugh at myself again and not take everything so personally. I'm an adult, I can handle this paper!

The competition game plan has changed my lovelies and I am no longer prepping for FAME. I really enjoyed my experience with the NPC and already having paid for my organizational membership, I am hesitant to change gears and cash-up for more fees within FAME. I've also heard that FAME likes a bit softer of a look and I don't want to compromise the hardness I'm aiming for in the NPC. However I did not want to totally give up on doing a show around the same time period, so after much discussion with Kim & Jill I decided to go for the NPC show "Victory in the Valley" June 26th. I'm excited because it's in Hickory/Lenoir where Jamey is from and even if he will be in Utah fighting wildfires, I'll be able to see his family (which makes me really look forward to this even more). Also Tara will be doing it, so I'll have the support of another Jillfit girl. I really appreciate how sweet and understanding Tara has been as my diet liaison in this process and I can't wait to get to know her even better through this experience. I love how Figure can bring together a beautiful community of people :) So instead of 3 weeks of hypertrophy, I get 5 weeks before supreme paleo occurs again and I cut for June. This also means that 2 weeks out from the show I will be starting my position at Governor's School as a teacher assistant counselor and my 16-17 year old girlies are going to think that I am insane (a long with some of the staff members). I can't wait to convert more high school females to think that muscles are amazing... I also can't wait to see my fellow art TAC Erica who has been in Spain for the last year. I miss you Erica!!!

What 5 weeks of hypertrophy really means is 5 weeks of sweet potatoes. I feel like I need to compose a love sonnet to sweet potatoes because they are freakin' amazing. When Jamey and I were shopping at Fresh Market on Sunday we discovered purple sweet potatoes. Then I realized something I have known all along - that there are different flavor sweet potatoes... why didn't I take advantage of this sooner? Oh yeah... because I didn't get carbs for very long last time :P
If I ever get bored of the classic scrumptious golden variety I can always explore other options. Having options somehow makes me feel like I have freedom, which is always a good feeling

.

Guess what I'm about to do? That's right - frantically complete Japanese homework and study for my penultimate grammar/vocab quiz of my college career. It might not be the best grade ever, but I'm grinding it out like a tough rep!

Papers Suck

2010-04-13T21:53:00.002-04:00

I have been having multiple emotional breakdowns a day over this very late philosophy paper. I hope Dr. Austin never finds out how much difficulty I am going through with this topic. I feel so utterly overwhelmed by everything going on in my life right now and I'm not even sure where this paper fits in... other than the fact that it is consuming my mental health. I'm nowhere near completion of a good product and I am forcing myself to settle over and over again. I have no idea why this is so difficult and I am utterly embarassed and ashamed that I am having so much trouble. I am so angry with myself for feeling this way and I keep trying to psych myself out of these issues. Progress is slow and I am totally desperate. I am channeling the "something is better than nothing" survival mentality and convincing myself that somehow I will not fail even though deep down inside I feel like I am. How messed up is that?

Competition Climax: Finals

2010-04-13T06:42:00.003-04:00

As I sit at the circulation desk once again this morning, sipping away at my giant gallon of water I am reminded of my first day dieting back in January. I remember the eagerness, the excitement, the total dedication. I am channeling that day. I was talking to Jamey about this earlier - I am going through such a total shift in mentality. For the last four months we were super focused on leaning me out and not as concerned with building muscle. Now our primary goal is to put muscle on me while maintaining a good BF %. Going from the mentality of hours of cardio and exhaustion to carbs, energy, and putting on pounds is a huge shift that I never even considered even though it's what I've been looking forward to the most. Kim isn't letting me lift again until tomorrow so that I'll be "thirsty" for the weights. I'm already thirsty, Kim (and not just dehydrated!) I am looking forward to my Strong Girl workout tomorrow morning.

More about competition:
So after returning to High Point I attended the 5pm competitors meeting, which was much more laid back. I could have sat in the audience with Jamey and Sarah to watch all of the other performances that came before me (which was everything except for men's bodybuilding). The program was reversed from the morning pre-judging, since we were judged first, we ended up performing next to last. I was paranoid about leaving backstage so I ended up hanging out there for literally hours and hours. I met some really great people, including Angie, who I mentioned last post. One of my favorite moments, however, was meeting Carrie Whitlow Keck, who won 3^rd in her class in bodybuilding! She approached me with the question "are you fitNasti?" Yes! I can't believe I have a fan and a really awesome one at that! We had a good time chatting it up and laughing about some of the ridiculous nasty moments we've all experienced when training for a show. I talked to as many different people as I could about their experiences and where they were with their goals. I wanted to learn as much as I could - soak up lots of information and know how I could be better next time.

Me and Carrie! fitNasti growl! Grrr

I spent a little time holding back tears at one point when I was so angry at myself for caring about placing when I hadn't cared until I got on stage. I refused to mess up my makeup, but I was still in a bad place. This was agravated by a phone call from my sister telling me that my family had arrived late to the show and were turned away along with many other people because the show had sold out. There was a series of excuses, but in the end I just felt let down - that once again I was not their priority and even at one of my finest, proudest moments, they couldn't be there to see me shine. I got an earful later about how I should have encouraged them to be there sooner and how it was my brother's fault for making them late. These accusations cut me to the core and I did my best and continue to try to not let this deeply hurt me.

I distracted myself with my ipod and texting people like a fiend. My cellphone bill is probably going to be ridiculous because I was getting so many non-verizon texts of support and congratulations. I can deal with that, but money is super tight with me missing all of last week to sleep early (which didn't even happen on a few nights). I can't wait to get out of school and cut back on my obligations to not have to worry about this!

I didn't get back on stage until about 11pm and I worked the stage much better this time with full muscles and a big smile. When we filed off stage for the anouncement of the top 5 Angie grabbed my hand as if to say "you'll be out there with me" - and I was. I beemed from ear to ear as I clutched my trophy and walked off stage to Kim. I've already told you about the rest of the evening, but in that moment I knew I had earned every single bit of the happiness I was feeling.

Me walking backstage with my trophy - moment of extreme happiness!

Now, if I could just refocus that into this new beginning I can make some serious progress.

The Long-Awaited Competition Post: Morning of & Prejudging

2010-04-12T16:56:00.013-04:00

Pre-judging shot

Before I get into the nitty-gritty of my competition experience let me first say three things. First, I placed 5th at my competition. Second, I am currently an emotional and physical wreck. I had no way of imagining what the end of competition would do to me on a psychological level and now that it's over I find myself having all sorts of emotions come flooding in that I had been holding at bay for so long. Third, I did not finish the Plato paper that was due today at noon, however I have been working hard on it. You might be wondering if I am supposedly such a good student why am I taking the time to work on a blog post instead. Well, honestly, I care more about knowing exactly how I felt after competing my first time (and the events of competition) then I do explaining why some argument in the The Crito doesn't work out (blasphemy, I know). 5 years from now I want to read this and know what I felt like and how it all went down. As for the paper writing, it didn't help that yesterday I spent most of the day in tears and over the toilet, violently throwing up basically all my stomach's tiny little contents. This was not because I wanted to. I wanted to keep down the tiny little treats that I had been allowed on my one day off of the diet, but my body had a violent reaction to everything I put in it. Being on paleo for so long combined with my past history of IBS was the perfect storm for serious rejection of non-diet foods. It wasn't even like I was nom-ing on that coveted dunkin' donut that I've been ranting about for months - this was simple stuff like an apple and peanut butter. My post-show experience was awful too. Jamey had saved me this delicious piece of chocolate peanut butter cheese cake (cheese cake is my favorite) in the cooler that he sent back stage with me - I had no idea the whole time that this delicious feast was with me! Well it was only after trying to eat some cheesy fries at Ham's post-finals that I rushed to the bathroom in utter nausea to hurl my precious delicacies. First off Ham's was a terrible place and we were stuck in the bar section with terrible karaoke right next to us and this creepy man who kept staring at us and my entourage's cleavage. Gross. Yes "gross" is the word that I would use to sum up the entire evening. I was coated in smelly PAM and had throw-up in my mouth that no amount of water would help since water just seemed to make it worse. I was already extremely dehydrated and I started feeling swollen really quickly. In retrospect I am pretty sure that I had a severe reaction to the rice-cakes that I had been eating all day. It's a common carb-up but since I hadn't had anything processed in so long, and I have grain intolerance, I am pretty sure that having this as my main fuel all day is what did me in. Currently I am sitting with hives all over my body and some bad bloatage - I am retaining all sorts of water and my once beautiful abs are now mildly bruised from yesterday's extreme reaction. At first I was seriously worried that I had gone into re-feeding syndrome (as were Jill and Kim). There was one point where I felt like my entire body was on fire and I literally felt my brain swelling inside of my skull. It freaked me out, but I was so tired I kept drifting in and out of reality. We kept monitoring things and we still are, but it looks like I'm alright. Today I am back on hypertrophy with my lovely little sweet potatoes, egg whites, and chicken. I am more than happy to diet and know that another show awaits me and that it is all worth it (more on this later). The first time is a major experiment with the body - taking things out and reintroducing things can say a lot about what you should and shouldn't be having. I shouldn't be having a lot of things... like I've said before it's really the cardio that gets to me about preparation, but I'll figure that out in time too.

Now to the main attraction:

Morning Prep & Pre-Judging
I eagerly awoke at 6am to get ready for Kim's arrival. I was covered burka-style to keep me from rubbing off any of my skillfully applied competition tan from the night before. I had on this gaudy purple turtle neck, a t-shirt, long baggy pants that rolled over my feet, and long socks over my hands. I had to get my hair wet so I could blow it out for Kim to wave it up with that magic wand o' wonder I used for my photoshoot. Getting my hair wet without messing up the tan was a feat that could only be accomplished with the assistance of Jamey.He poured water from bottle into his hands and onto my hair as I stood with a towel covering my face over the shower drain. Kim came to my dirty little shack of a room and applied my false eyelashes, foundation, blush, etc, etc. My bestie Sarah came over and we left around 8 towards High Point. When we arrived I was in total shock (remember I was also dehydrated) and I didn't know what to do or where I was supposed to be. Luckily I had pre-registered and flowed through things easily to checked-in. They measured me at check- in as a whole inch and a half taller than I am, which is weird, but you can't really argue. I was just glad that they kept me in my rightful class: Class A (for the shorties). Then there was a lot of sitting and waiting and listening and watching. The dynamic was so strange to me and I was fascinated to see what the other competitors where up to. There were a total of 170 competitors at State, the largest turn-out they've seen, and it was quite crowded backstage!

The dressing room was about the size of my dorm room and there were two bathroom stalls for all the female competitors - I can tell you we ran out of toilet paper fast. Paper towels were our friends and we stained those white little seats a lovely pro-tan butt brown. The aroma was sweat, asparagus pee, pro-tan, and hair spray. I imagine it's what a guy's locker room smells like! I chilled for a bit in the itty bitty hallway and tried to prop my legs up so I wouldn't ruin my separation, but who knows if that worked. One of my biggest issues for the pre-judging was that I simply wasn't carbed up enough. The difference between me at the night show and me at the morning show was very noticeable. Like I said, I think my body just didn't take to the rice cakes very well. By the end of the day, and half a bottle of honey later, I was looking very full but still quite dry (which is ideally the morning look). Once I was close enough to our turn on stage I got pumped up and PAM'd up.

Pumping Up!

There was an "oiling pit" for designated PAM application and they had event staff helping out. I have to say that they were some of the friendliest people I met the entire time. Unfortunately many of the other girls were very caddy and bitchy - I didn't understand why since most everyone was not in my division. The funniest thing is one person I felt like I did become friends with later in the day was actually my competitor in A class, Angie Hinson. I thought her physique was phenomenal and she had the ever-coveted bicep vein vascularity and amazing arms! After pumping & pamming it was time for pre-judging.

Pre-judging is the morning "show" which is actually the most important part of the day. The judges take contestants through the mandatory poses multiple times to compare physiques and make the ultimate scoring decisions. I admit I was a little nervous, but I was sort of surprised at my level of calmness. I had a bad stomach cramp (probably from dehydration) so I found it difficult to "keep tight" as I kept hearing Jill yell from the audience. I had a bit of awkwardness to my turns and I was somewhat lopsided in my posture, but all in all I was impressed at my level of confidence. When I walked off stage I knew I had done my best and I had listened very carefully to my coaches to perform at my best under the circumstances. One of my greatest accomplishments was knowing that I did not cheat on my diet and that I hadn't missed any cardio (except that one day with the blue ridge cellphone incident). This allowed me to look at my performance and physique and pin-point where I needed to improve. I knew immediately that I need lots more stage-time and practice. I have a set goal to practice at least once a weak with a posing coach, and twice a week by myself. I am going to be practicing my posing until I can literally do it in my sleep and know exactly what I look like to the judges.

Post pre-judging Sarah bought me a cute NPC camo workout shirt that I can't wait to work at the gym. Then we all headed back to Winston where I took a nice long nap and watched Lost before reapplying my makeup, fixing my hair and false eyelashes, and heading back to the competitors meeting at 5pm.

I really want to tell you about the inbetween and the night show while everything is still fresh in my mind, but there are many things to be done. Tomorrow I will finish up fitNasti's story of the stage!

Friday Fingernails & Fake Tanning

2010-04-10T14:56:00.007-04:00

Jenifer helping me do my nails!

So Friday afternoon was pretty fun. I chilled out for a good bit in the room, napping in my dehydrated delerium - Jamey checked my blood pressure several times to make sure I was ok. It was a little low in the morning, but after my 1/2 a white potato around 2:30 I was feeling a bit better. Then my girl Jenifer P came over to do my nails for the show and they look so good. She color coordinated them with my suit and they look sweet.Look how they match!

Then it was off to Hot Rocks to get my competition tan on and shade a few ethnicities darker - and the girl who did them was fabulous. She layered it on and let it soak in while I stood in front of a fan freezing cold and then another coat and then more freezing. Off to the stand up tanning booth to dry for 5 minutes and then more airplane engine type fans blowing my brains off. I wiggled into some loose clothes and walked around barefoot just when the temperature of NC has gone from 80 to 40 and I'm ran across the parking lot to the X-terra and Jamey and I high-tailed it to Five Guys for my carb-up. We were super smart and pre-planned by ordering online - how cool is it to do that? I had 10 french fries and one small cheeseburger. Let me clarify that this is part of the diet! The sodium and carbs are sucked up into my muscles and make them look bigger instead of flat like they have all week :) Jamey caught it on video and pictures, they are pretty funny.Looking evil as I munch on my sodium laden goodness :)

Soooo goood - the bun was so chewy and delicious

All I could think about on the drive back to the room was how delicious it was and how I haven't eaten something tasty for sooo long. I was also thinking about the Veggie Tales hamburger song. Listen to it, this is hilarious! I went to bed in a turtle neck shirt and socks over my hands to keep from messing anything up and I was quite successful! I'll be posting about pre-judging and competition later :)

Thirsty Thursday

2010-04-09T06:53:00.002-04:00

Kim texted me this morning "hey girl!! how r u?" I responded "Just got up feeling the dry mouth"
Oh boy am I feeling the dry mouth - at least I've got some gum to keep my saliva circulating and brushing my teeth helps too. Yesterday I was down to 32 ounces of water and I realized that this is more or less how much most normal people are probably getting on a daily basis, especially when you factor in the coffee and soda and juices, etc that most people are pounding their bodies with. But anyway, yesterday was obviously not thirsty in the commonly held understanding of boozing it up, although like getting tipsy the end result is dehydration.

Yesterday was ridiculous as per usual, but I did get a lot done! I took off work to follow my diet plan's suggested "sleep in if possible" but since I got to bed around 11 last night instead of 9 (because of the shoot), I wasn't feeling very rested. I went and got 30 minutes of incline walking in around 7:15 and then was off to work at 8 where I finished some hastily done Japanese HW (much like I will do here in just a bit). At 9 I took my stacks hour off so I could work a job application that I wanted to send out that day and I'm crossing my fingers about it. Japanese from 10-11, showed Yokoyama （横山先生） Sensei some of my photoshoot pictures and she said "is that really you?" I can understand this comment after the level of grunginess I have attended that class in. Then I met up with Bahkit who did my taxes and guess what? I only owe the state government $4. I'd also like to take the time to note that I made about nine thousand dollars total for the last tax year. Yeah people, that's what I've been living off of and somehow I've managed. I can't imagine what I'll do one day with real income! Hopped over to PAC which was good although I started fading mid-class. Plato was also pretty good and a little fun - we did a writing workshop and it made me feel a little more confident in knowing what she wanted out of that paper I have to write by Monday. Good thing there's Sunday! I mailed off my federal taxes and job application and high-tailed it to digital art where much to my surprise and sorrow, my fellow TA Daniel was MIA. I guess we'll just have to wait 'til tuesday to start the design and subsequent launch of fitnasti.com (get excited!)

I ran by the campus sundry to get some gum and my last 12 oz of water for the day. The lady at the cash register said At 5 I was in for round 2 of 30 minutes of cardio and then a little shoulder work. Met up with Jamey to go back to the room and get my newly altered suit which fits so much better and looks so super pretty. When I walked around in it I actually felt like I belonged in it - like this was what I was supposed to be doing. I went to the Jillfit posing practice session last night and saw my girls Jennifer and Emily workin' it for the bikini rounds. Emily will be at the show tomorrow for bikini so I'm definitely excited for my fellow Jillfit girl. Jill gave me some great suggestions for my posing - just little tips that helped things flow together better. I know I am going to be totally shocked when I hit the stage but I am trying to ignore that feeling and just imagine that I belong there. If I approach this casually and confidently it'll show on stage, right? Either way, it's my first show and I'm going to be practicing a lot in the future for FAME to make my posing natural and second nature. Exciting! Didn't get to bed until probably around 10 because I had to make food for today, do dishes, and protan again. We are trying our hardest to make sure I come in as dark as possible on show day. Tonight I'll go to Hot Rocks to get my competition quality tan and hopefully that will make me chocolate-bar black for the stage.

Today shouldn't be that bad. I'm at work at the gym as I type and I have to write a journal topic for Japanese before 9 am when I do an hour of incline. Then I'll suffer through and hour of Japanese and go back to the room to nap, get ready, and generally chill. My girl Jenifer P is coming over around 3 to help me do my nails for the show and then at night is the aforementioned tanning. I also get to carb up tonight so I am super excited about my cheeseburger and 10 fries I get at 8:30pm - wouldn't you be!?

Tomorrow is THE big day folks - I'll let you know if anything else particularly fitNasti happens before then, but until I have time post-competition you won't hear from me :)

fitNasti Gets a Photoshoot

2010-04-08T15:29:00.003-04:00

Ok everyone, I know I've been bereft in my blog posts almost as much as I have been in my academics. You're probably wondering what I've been up to - working more, working out more, working it more? Nope. I've been keeping mentally stable by sleeping a lot - getting to bed at 9pm by not working at the phonathon (it'll be back monday) and finding little moments here and there to actually breathe. This isn't to say that I haven't been running around like my butt is on fire, I have been... I guess it's just not as weighty feeling as before because things are so close. I noted in an earlier post that I thought it was problematic that I was already getting delirious from dehydrating... yeah, that's been coming and going. Usually the later part of the day is the hardest, but I've gotten really good at rationing myself. It's crazy how much water weight I've lost in just a week - Kim's predication was that I would come-in at around 107lb for the show. Well, I hit 106 today, so it might even be 104 by Saturday. It's sort of crazy... I've still been keeping up with my cardio, even though that's what makes me the most faint - but with only 2 days left I am more than willing to plod through it (even with a little enjoyment) knowing that right now absolutely everything counts. How cool is that? You know what else is cool? Knowing that I've come in so well my first time and feeling confident enough to take on constructive criticism for the next round. That is something that really excites me about figure: the room for improvement. It doesn't matter where you are in the business - there is room for growth. I can't wait to put on some more muscle this summer and see how it effects my physique. I know that the "soft" look is really in right now with figure and I'm glad to be super proportionate and soft and what I think the judges are looking for... but I also want some more muscle. I want to pull off the totally jacked/ripped look one day. I know I'll do whatever Kim and Jill and Tara want for me, but I still want to be a little bit bigger. Is that so wrong?
Anyway, aside from that I've started to come to terms better with fitNasti and who she is and starting to let go of the feeling that this is just some fleeting moment because this is a lifestyle not just one hour or one day. Sure, I'm not going to be 2 weeks, or 1 week, or even stage ready every day of my life but I am still a hottie! Sorry everyone, but I think that I'm awesome! I've finally overcome the feeling of thinking it's narcissistic to feel/think this and just say "yes, I am beautiful." I've worked hard enough to say it all I want! I am very flattered by everyone who has been making comments and saying that they are "jealous" but unless you are jealous of all the pain, carb depletion, mood swings, dehydration, and super strict diet then there is nothing to be jealous of! If you want it, you can have it - you just have to work super super hard. This is just the prize at the end. Jason Adams from "Promoting Real Women" blog left me with these words of wisdom"You are a winner just for doing the work. The stage is just the reward"So yesterday was the day of the much awaited photoshoot with photographer Ariel Perez. I remember seeing the photos he did of Kim back in November and knowing right then that I wanted him as my photographer. I even started a little photoshoot fund stash. Well Ariel and I chatted and I drooled over his skilled photos of food from his many travels and yesterday we finally met and started a beautiful relationship. First let me tell you about my yesterday - I got up covered in protan ick, carefully applied in the nude with Kim the night before. I walked around my dorm room reeking of dirty protan... fitNasti kinda likes the scent. I tried not to touch anything and I didn't even do my dishes (correct that: tupperware). So I went to bed right at 9pm like a good girl - lulled to sleep by sweet somalyze (I will sort of miss the excuse of using it when I am eating carbs). Woke up looking like a piece of caramel - not quite the tootsie roll look we need for Saturday, but it was a photoshoot anyway. Trucked it over to the gym to cardio and then Kim busting my butt. I scrambled to do Japanese homework (as per usual). Sweated streaks into my tan and went to class looking ridiculous- then back to the gym to sweat little brown drops again. Borrowed the family van from the staff parking lot and zoomed over to my room - rinsed off and plugged in Kim's hair-waving wand of wonder. Va-va-voomed my hair into lady ga-ga style volume and then waved up the hair into my fierce lion-mane that is quintessentially fitNasti.
Popped right on over to European Touch Day Spa to get my makeup done for the shoot. The woman who did it (Melissa?) was super super sweet. First off she said "are you doing one of those bodybuilding shows?" IEEE! No one has ever said that right off the bat. I felt so super complimented. She did my makeup perfectly and I told her to think "J-lo." She said that I looked very "savage" and gave me the lipstick color we were using for free because she thought it looked so good on me. How sweet! Why are people so kind to me? I hope this is built-up karma points. Went to Target to pick up some gold bling for my shoot - surprise, surprise I don't own a lot of dressing-up jewelry. Went home for a little to bring my mom to get her nails done. This is a painful experience I do not want to recount. My mom still doesn't get/support this competition even now. Met up with Jamey at the room and we packed the X-terra with all my junk and headed over to meet Ariel. What then proceeded to occur was magic!
So there I am at my first photoshoot. Sure, when I was in High School my friend Claire and I used to play around with costumes, makeup, and a camera but it was not at all this calibur. But it is about the only experience I had close to this. It took me a little while to "warm up" but by our second location I was really workin' it. I was getting into the persona of fitNasti and loosening up. I was thinking "this is your one chance to show what you've got." Once Ariel got into it I just started getting more excited - I wanted him to be excited about the shots so I just kept working it. Jamey was there, ever supportive, to encourage me and ended up being Ariel's right hand man and even making some artistic suggestions that turned out great. I thought it was hilarious to make him say "you are scaring me" when I did a few daring poses! What can I say, it's fitNasti! All in all, Ariel made me feel like a fierce and fiery super model with a banging body. I can't wait to shoot with him again, especially when my muscles aren't so flat from carb depletion and dehydration. I just imagine how cool our pictures would be with my muscles all pumped up and jacked. I am definitely more than happy (I am ECSTATIC) with these pictures! There were so many that I just loved, so I am going to post just one or two for now to keep you coming back to see more :) Thank you Ariel for being amazing!!! xoxoxo

Dehydrated Delerium

2010-04-06T17:30:00.002-04:00

I am not sure if it is a good thing that I am so delirious from starting to dehydrate already. I mean, I'm still getting 1gallon a day. I've been carrying around my big ol' 1 gallon of water around with me and in class most people are saying "OMG that soooo much water to drink" and I'm just thinking "only 1 gallon". Kim pro-tanned me up tonight, getting ready for the photoshoot tomorrow!

"Week-Of" Thoughts

2010-04-05T19:35:00.003-04:00

So it's the week of my competition folks and just about the only thing that I have going through my mind right now is HOW am I going to write this horrid paper for Plato? I really don't know because even the mental energy I have to think about it is super low although it is often all I think about - even more than food. I have school anxiety. I hate assignments and I hate papers the most. I hate sitting down to write one and I hate doing the prep work to write one. I'd much rather take an exam even though I get the worst test anxiety ever. At least it's over quickly! Writing a paper is like extending the worst feelings I've had this competition prep over each second that goes by and the paper isn't written. "Just sit down and write it," you might say... but that's just not my style. All of my best papers have been written in one sitting with copious amounts of redbull and carbs. That's simply not an option at the moment now is it? Oh the thoughts I could think with a plate full of chocolate chip cookies!! I'm just so sick of academia. There was a point where all of this was ok because it went towards something - but knowing that I could fail this class and still graduate from Wake does not motivate me to want to sit and write a carefully crafted paper, although that's what my inner good student tells me I ought to be doing. Poor Dr. Austin has to deal with this utter disrespect for her class material.... I'm so sorry, but I'm hopefully never going to think about this stuff again once I've been freed from my academic shackles. There's this gnawing little feeling in the back of everything that tells me somehow I might not graduate. I am seriously considering not walking at graduation. With the weather like it is, I imagine that it will be a very sunny day and I honestly don't relish the thought of sitting on the Quad in black waiting to listen to speeches that mean nothing to me just to get a fake piece of paper and snap some photos. Let me remind you I will still be dieting and I do not think they are going to let me carry my cooler of food to my seat and eat through the ceremony. I'd much rather go do something fun with my family/friends than sit through all that. Maybe a drive to the mountains or something that would be positive and uplifting - not totally boring and life-sucking. Graduation is so anti-climactic.

Other thoughts. My diet is crazy but at least I don't feel crazy - maybe it's the energy of the last week, or maybe it's the 30 minutes less of cardio, but I am feeling normal-ish. I've been getting light-headed a lot during the day, especially near the next meal. It also hasn't helped that it's hot outside and I'm rationing water for dehydration this week. Ick. I never realized how liberally I drank my green tea, etc until today when I couldn't overindulge in the H20... I drank a lot of water when I was hungry. Now I'm chewing gum with great gusto and continuing to keep busy (although apparently not by doing HW). My normalish feeling makes me feel more guilty about my lack of enthusiasm towards my degree & paper-writing. If I'm feeling normal shouldn't I be working myself into the ground!? I have a sick personality/mentality - I blame this one my father the PHD.

I'm also feeling guilty because my 9pm curfew/bedtime doesn't allow me to work my 6:30-9pm shift at the phonathon because I just get back far too late to be in bed at a reasonable hour and the last week it is very important to be well rested! Since I haven't had to work I did some weird things like watched a TV show, took a shower, and even a nap (until some facilities people woke me up by mowing the lawn outside). How can I change this guilt? Guess I'm signing off to work on my paper. (CRY)

One of My Inspirations

2010-04-05T07:53:00.002-04:00

I really love to read Allison Moyer's blog. I have many people writing me emails and messages being super supportive and I really appreciate it. I keep hearing that I inspire you and make you believe in yourself. I am excessively flattered. Well, Allison makes me believe in myself. I love reading what she has to say about the sport, giving a real perspective about what she is going through. Since the Arnold she's been on a break from her competition diet and I've been watching her posts to see how she dealt with it. After all, sooner than I think I'll be in the same place. I am feeling lucky now that I have FAME to keep me on trucking for a while. It won't be until June that I'm "on my own" in terms of dieting again. The thing that really bothers me about my show diet is that I was eating clean before I started dieting for the show and I still had so much work to do to get in show shape. That sort of scares me! I want to know that I can eat clean and maintain a body fat % lower than where I started and I hope I really can. This is a never ending process which is sort of comforting. Whenever I am displeased with something I remind myself that in time it will be resolved.

In anycase, check out Allison's post!

All Hell is About to Break Loose

2010-04-04T21:02:00.002-04:00

See the title. Let the crazy "week of" diet commence and survival mode is on. More details later. I've got a 9pm curfew.

Adventures on the Blue Ridge Parkway

2010-04-03T14:45:00.006-04:00

Ever have one of those days where so much happens that the entire day seems more like a week's worth of events that a mere day's? Granted, I pack a punch with the concentration of work I do each day, but there was just something really different about yesterday. It started off well enough, with me at the Miller Center pounding on the treadmill for an hour getting those inclines in. Then I was at the mercy of Kim and the prowler. We hadn't done the prowler in a while because of how badly I was feeling, but since it was my last leg day until competition, we murdered my legs. By the time we had gotten to leg-extensions and hamstring curls I was feeling downright dizzy. Dizziness has been a problem mid-exercise for me for about the last week or so. At least it hasn't been as bad as last weekend which I recall in utter horror as some of the hardest days of my entire life. When you want to cry every time you think about doing the littlest task - which includes washing hands, tying shoes, and answering the telephone you know you've hit a wall. I keep hearing things from friends about how I was last weekend. Jamey said that he was pretty worried a few nights there and wanted to call Kim and Sarah to have them make sure I was ok. Kim herself said that she just wanted to force me to eat something like a piece of fruit, and Maredith told me that my lips were blue when I was walking the treadmill one day. Retrospectively none of this was good in the least - I'm glad I've made it through the fog, but there is no doubt how painful it was. I'm just grateful that it didn't continue to be that bad. By Tuesday I had started to regain strength and move forward.

Anyway, after Kim's slaughtering I did not feel well enough to do my intervals. I took a time out and I'm sure if I had done them I would have started back on that road to feeling like last weekend. Instead I headed over to work at the ZSR where my boss told me I could go home and rest if I wanted to, since I wasn't needed. I was so far gone into my post-workout dizziness that I was willing to give up the money for rest. This is serious personal progress people. I just don't give up like that, but I knew it was the best thing for me. After napping for about 4 hours I got up and wrote a Plato paper. Yes, it is probably one of the worst papers of my college career. I will survive. Then it was off to tan and... wax. I must admit I am sort of starting to like the tanning bed. I really hate the stand up one, but laying down is like a little mini-escape especially when I put on my own tunes (think Enya, etc) and slather myself up in deliciously scented lotions all in the name of skin cancer... I mean competition. 11 minutes later I am toasty warm and relaxed, glowing a little and feeling sort of pretty. What is happening to me? I am not supposed to like this sort of stuff!! The people at BVI must think I am high maintenance since I use like 4 of their little towels (more like washclothes) to cover my face and hair. I slather on the sunscreen but I'm a little paranoid. I don't want to age beyond my years. Doubtful though, since I still look like a baby.

Waxing. It wasn't that bad. The woman who I went to was sort of funny. She asked me "So what do you do to make your body look like this" I replied "It was a long hard process". She asked if I had to diet... I smiled "of course". She tried not to make it awkward, but it sort of was with her... waxing my bikini area. All good reports my friends, I am well groomed for stage!

Since I had the afternoon off after laying in bed most of the morning I wanted to do something outside and away from Wake Forest. Jamey has been trying to free me from this oppressive environment for a while, so I let him drive me out to the Blue Ridge Parkway where we drove around and enjoyed a beautiful NC spring day. It was 87 degrees out and sunny with the lightest of breezes. We sat at an overpass and enjoyed the later afternoon sun. I do warn you other NC competitors who want to relax on the Parkway that restrooms are few and far between. Now I know that fitNasti does a lot of things in the name of Figure, but peeing on the side of the road is not one of those things. I insisted that we find me a proper hole in the ground somewhere and luckily we found a biker cafe/bar where I rushed in literally before I was going to wet myself - a mildly traumatizing experience. We had planned on grabbing my Friday 6oz steak at a restaurant so we headed off to find one via the GPS. As we rolled along the parkway we called various places to see if they had asparagus on the menu, but to no avail. We ended up in Elkin where I bought some asparagus at a Food Lion and ate my 10 spears RAW. Mmmm.

Bad cellphone photo of giant cow statue in front of Dodge City

Then we ended up at a local joint: Dodge City Steak House which unfortunately lived up to its name. First off we were getting dangerously close to feeding time when we rolled up into the parking lot which was packed to the brim. There were lines out the door and I was starting to worry that I wasn't going to be able to eat in time. I waited in the car while Jamey figured out if we could get something to go and bypass the huge wait. Luckily the waitress was super sweet and got us seating in the bar section and was very considerate of my super duper picky order which Jamey had already taken care of. He was like a super hero yesterday! This place was countrified and I really enjoyed it! Even if I don't have a southern accent or ooze southern pleasantry and traditions I love southern culture. The waitress was so hospitable and made sure everything was just perfect - she didn't even act like I was high maintenance (even though I'm sure she thought I was). My favorite detail was the GIANT cow statue outside of the place.The only damper to the evening was that Jamey got his cell phone stolen - he left it on the table at the restaurant and we're pretty sure that the seedy guy who was obsessively looking over at our table the entire time ended up snatching it [it must have been Jamey's good looks ;)]. Because of that incident we didn't end up getting back into Winston 'til like 11pm and I was too far gone to do intervals by then. My hope had been to get back around 9 or 9:30 and pound them out before I collapsed in bed. Well guys, this is the first and only cardio session that I've missed the entirety of preparation, so I think I'm doing pretty good. I know that you can't technically "make up" for lost cardio because of what it does metabolically during the course of your day, but I put in my extra hours back in the day, so I hope that helps. Although tomorrow is usually my rest day I'll be doing an hour of incline walking and I might tack just a little more on to make myself mentally feel better about missing those intervals.

Today has been alright for the most part and I've accomplished almost all of my goals for the day. I was able to get up and eat on schedule at 5am and then go back to sleep, which felt like sleeping in. I was able to cook up food for the day with no issue and even get the dishes done as well as tidy up my super messy room. I still have much work to do to it. Living in a small, confined area is not conducive to good organization - neither is the temporary nature of my living situation. In like 4 weeks I move out and into another temporary situation. It's also difficult to coordinate cleanliness while sharing a hovel with another person. However, I am grateful that my dorm room even has a ghetto coiled stove, a sink, a nuker, and a fridge. I know that I could have done this competition with just the microwave and my crockpot, but I'm sure glad that there is a fridge! When GSW rolls around I'm going to have to be on the lookout for a fridge for my on campus room - you can't eat healthy without one, unless you live straight out of a cooler. Actually, if anyone knows anyone with an old fridge that they don't want, or if anyone is getting rid of one and could give it to me out of the goodness of their own hearts please let me know! I could also pay a very small monetary price, but things are super super tight right now and will continue to be that way for a while. I'm trying my best to be creative and find solutions!

Cardio today was even sort of (emphasis on sort of) fun. I went downtown to the Rush fitness complex to meet Jennifer to do our cardio. I got there an hour early so I could do my back exercises and intervals first and to my surprise they let me have a free day pass (apparently they are usually $15). Sometimes it is just nice to mix things up. No offense to Wake, but our gym is sub-par for a University of our caliber. When visiting parents/students come to tour the campus I just cringe when they see our facility. It's nothing to "show off" to anyone. Yes it is functional, yes we can deal, but WFU needs to make some improvements!! At the Rush the colors of the walls were super bright and energizing - the lighting was nice and there were big HD TVs to watch music videos on - I plugged my earphones in and listened along. This experience is new and enticing to me! I felt so spoiled being entertained instead of staring off into the distance of the track outside the Miller Center's windows. It was ALSO really nice to walk and talk with Jennifer while on the inclines (which we all know can be the most boring things ever)... and nice to talk about competition. Talking with people about it is helping me ground myself. It's going to be one hell of a week coming up. I got my "week of" diet and it is... something else. After the gym I headed over to Lexington to meet up with Amy of Amy's Alterations and she fixed me up as far as the suit goes! She's going to have it done by next Wednesday and I feel so relieved. I even feel good about the price, which is important!
I also dropped by my parent's house again - as we all know, that's an unusual occurrence. I love them, but it is just too much to be there sometimes! I think that they might come to the show, but I'm not holding my breath. Today may have been the first time I've been seen by them with shorts and a workout top on. My Dad told me that I was looking the part and when he picked me up to hug me he commented on how lightweight I was and how my center of gravity had changed from my butt. Thanks Dad. Why wouldn't you guys listen to me in the first place and realize that what I was doing was great from the beginning?! Even now they won't listen when I try to explain things to them and they are the ones asking. My Dad wanted to know if things would be any different this week and I explained to him that there would be quite a noticeable difference by show day. He commented that it didn't seem possible to make the sort of changes that would be recognized by the human eye in that time and said "well, we'll see". Trust me, these parents of mine are in for a big fat shocker when they see me on stage, but I'm OK with that.

Today I have a few more things to get done with before I can relax a little and enjoy this Saturday. It wouldn't be a Saturday without some library desk time, but I'm enjoying the slow quiet pace and the lack of other WFU students. I'm going to work on a little art project in just a second here. The room needs some overhauling and laundry has got to get done but all-in-all I think I'm learning to breathe and coming to terms with where I am in life. I have 3 papers and 3 exams left to my WFU undergraduate experience and they couldn't be over with sooner! Even more than my show I can't wait to graduate and move on with my life far away from academia. 'Til then, it's ONE WEEK 'til showtime everyone!

Typing with Talons

2010-04-01T11:04:00.002-04:00

This Thursday is a strange one due to it being the day before Good Friday (Holy Thursday). Wake gives us Friday off, but not Thursday so there is a weird feeling on campus of people rushing to leave, people already left, and those of us doomed to always be here. This weird feeling is compounded by my seperate self-oriented weird feelings, feelings that arise because I have/had time to stop and think. Being busy might be really hard, but it often lets me totally bypass feelings that are unwanted. Recently there seem to be a lot of those....

I am typing with talons today after getting my "nails did" yesterday. These things are dangerous! I feel like I am channeling a bird of prey or something... we should rename the blog "falconNasti" because now I imagine myself as a bird on the hunt swooping down on unsuspecting fowl each time I consume a meal. I also feel like a clown. My nails are this hot bubble gum pink because I didn't have the guts to disagree with my nail technician about the color. She insisted that most of the other colors would just look bad with my complexion. She also insisted on the length of the nails because they would look great from stage. I kinda like having the gels because they look nice - I'd just ideally have them several millimeters shorter. I purposefully got them done this week because I knew I'd have to adjust to them. I've never gotten fake nails (acrylics or gels) before. The nail technician just thought it was amazing and inferred that I live a sheltered life. What can I say? I'm not a Diva or a girly-girl but I'll play the part for the figure world. Something about thinking of this all as "playing a part" makes things easier. I'm going to keep the gels so that I just have to get fill-ins instead of totally new ones for FAME in May, but I am going to get them cut down right after competition, for sure. Next week I get to change the color to the exciting Opi color I've been talking about for so long.

Yesterday I took a "me" day, but it wasn't really a "me" day because I still went to class and did work and had clients, but it was a "me" day in the sense that I didn't work at the phonathon and I got a massage (thanks to a Valentines day gift from Jamey), and got my nails done. I also hung out with fellow competitor Jennifer Welker. She is doing bikini at FAME in May and she is amazing. I was so happy to spend time with her and talk about life. I so rarely get to do this with real life people. The only down to this was that it caused me to continue to think about my life after we talked that I became a little overwhelmed. She gave me a goodie basket of gum, lip balm, tea, and the new Fitness Rx magazine with Ava on the cover (love love love!)

One of the hardest things to hear from people... surprisingly... is "you look so different". I hear this especially from people I haven't seen in quite a while and although it makes me feel pretty good (because I know I am where I need to be for competition) it also makes me feel sad... hearing this makes me have to revise my opinion of pre-competition Nina. It makes me wonder about who I was and how I looked before I started doing this. It's almost like it negates the beauty I felt I had even then. I try to ignore these feelings and just take in the compliment. It's not a false statement at all ... I really have change a lot and it isn't all physical. In a few days I am going to post a "reflections" post that goes into more depth about this. Part of my changes have been related to competition and many others are related to graduation and starting a new life. In 4 weeks classes end. I take exams, a week later I walk accross the graduation stage and accept my diploma and everything changes. My jobs change, my home changes.... it's a lot of fluctuating in every area of my life. I'm excited and scared at the same time. At least I know that I still have exercise and competition if nothing else. Luckily I do have other things, including wonderful supportive friends!

Why am I so hard on myself?

2010-03-31T21:22:00.002-04:00

Today was supposed to be my special "me" day... I planned this out from the get-go to be a nice day 2 weeks out that I could do some special things just for me. This did end up happening in theory, but I've ended up with mixed feelings about it. Sometimes I am afraid that I just don't know how to let myself enjoy things. Why do I feel so guilty for enjoying today? Why am I so terrified that me not feeling like total crap somehow bodes ill - like I did something wrong... why do I think that misery signifies being on the right track? How sick is it to be unhappy with being happy? Does anyone else feel like this? Like once you've broken through and finally respect yourself and see yourself as beautiful you ought to stop doing so because it is somehow wrong? I had energy today and I mentioned to Kim that I thought I might have done something wrong - how could I all of a sudden have energy ought of nowhere? I joked that I must have cheated on my diet because I feel like a real live person. She reminded me today why she calls it Strong Girl Fitness - we were doing heavy work again today - did body weight dips with great success today.

To do this day justice in recounting it I will just have to wait to describe it tomorrow when I am awake(r) is that a word.... Off to bed (somalyze = nom nom nom)

Who Am I?

2010-03-30T19:57:00.005-04:00

Sometimes I look in the mirror these days and wonder "who is that?" There are times when I feel so totally disconnected from my body. It's like I have this image of who I am and what I look like in my head that totally does not connect to my real self. I looked at my January photos last night after I posted the below picture of me (which honestly makes me embarassed everytime I load my blog page) and I was horrified. I was like "was that really me?" I started panicking... I don't want to go back to that but I don't want to feel pressured to look 2 weeks out for the rest of my life. I guess that's the challenge of the off-season: finding balance. One of the hardest things right now is how many conflicting feelings I have going on in my head at one time. Doubt and confidence, acceptance and rejection, love and despise, hopefullness and despair... and on and on....
It weirds me out that I have this disconnect because I feel like exactly the same girl that I was only 4 months ago. I still have the same vision of myself in my head and the same concept of "me-ness". That's why often I look in the mirror and get a little surprised at the person looking back. Who is that babe with the blonde highlights and the full arched eyebrows? I remember when I barely had eyebrows that you could see, they were so sparse. Then weight training happened and my testosterone increased and bam! I had eyebrows - nice eyebrows! It's a secret, but I've always wanted beautiful full eyebrows - there's just something about them that's so powerful and sexy. There was this one girl I worked with this summer who literally has the most beautiful eyebrows I've ever seen. I'll never have eyebrows like those, but I really like the ones I have now.
My face in generally has "leaned out" - my bone structure is just popping out and my jaw line is looking fierce. I've always thought that at the very least that I have a pretty face. Now I've got... shoulders that pop and a cut down my chest where pecs have replaced my former boobs. I have abs real abs with a legit cut and it still freaks me out. Everytime I go to the bathroom I raise my shirt and squeeze because I want to enjoy this moment even if I have no energy or no time to really enjoy it. I am going to!! I can't wait to do my photoshoot even though I am secretly nervous because although my alter-ego fitnasti is a camera whore, real Antonina is actually sort of shy about this whole "new body" thing. When other people compliment me... I just blush a ton. When did I become the sort of person who gets compliments on their body? I have no idea how to process this information. That is part of the things that are overwhelming me - I am starting to process everything: the show, the body, the hair, the nails, the friends, the actual support.

I've never felt this level of support and kindness before in my life and it just completely throws me. I am so, so, so grateful for how loving and beautiful other people have been to me, especially over the last few days and especially with how hard things have been. Thank you to everyone who sent and sends me encouraging words. Every single word you write drives me forward. I think of each one of you when I work the treadmill or stairmaster. You inspire me with your love and generosity of spirit. Here are just a few things that have happened that I don't deserve, but really appreciate. First, Kim withstood my emotional breakdown mid-stepup on Monday. I was carrying a mere 15lbs in each hand and out of nowhere the tears just started coming and I was sobbing. I couldn't handle anything. She hugged me and laughed and I couldn't help laughing too. She told me that she'd "fix me up" and said I was allowed to skip intervals if I wanted to. Of course I did them anyway, but the permission skip really helped. She brought me a camo "easter basket" of sugarfree gum and a water basket and a card that said "You are kicking butt even though you feel like crap" and addressed it to "fitNasti" from "Strong Girl". And then out of nowhere my girl Mare brought me a gift bag of a TON of sugar free gum and the Muscle & Fitness Hers magazine with Nicole Wilkins-Lee on the cover. Love. She even came over last night before she had to go to work to help me take pictures and we had a great talk that just healed my heart. Last night I took a night off work. I just couldn't handle it. I had reached my wall and my breaking point. I took a nap and it was amazing. Then I went to bed super early and woke up feeling.... refreshed?! It was crazy and IS crazy. I feel sort of like a real person right now at 8:30pm! Granted, this feeling may fade tomorrow but at least I have it in the here and now.

Me and Catherine. I am not good at self-taken shots, but look how tan I am!!

Tara was also a total sweetie and brought me in some gym clothes of hers that she no longer wanted and I spent some time today with my high school friend Catherine trying them on and feeling oh-so-cute! Catherine's visit was a beautiful moment in this week. I haven't seen her in some time, but her entrance into my life at this time signifies a lot of things to me. First: I have support in places that I don't even realize. Second: that I am still an artist at heart and have a true passion for art. When school ends I will finally be able to devote some real time back to one of my true loves! She gave me a huge stack of "Modern Painters" magazines and "Runners" magazines to occupy my mind with when I am doing mindless things (like sitting making calls at the phonathon). It is so inspiring. SHE is so inspiring and strong - there are few people in this world as beautiful as Catherine and I have always looked up to her and admired her since I was a junior in high school and we first met in AP Art. I can't wait to see where her art takes her. I refuse to let our contact fade again, she is too great an asset to my life and my heart's happiness.

More workout clothes than I've ever had to my name. So sweet!!

There have been little treats around every corner. This morning Heather helped me with some job application issues and let me try TWO pieces of her "pina colada" flavored gum. Bahkit came by and encouraged me with a nice tea and words of wisdom AND he's going to help me do my taxes tomorrow. Thank GOD! Class was almost painless today and my Plato professor has extended the due date on one of my papers!!! I can't think of anything BETTER! I could write it with some carbs in my brain. How freakin crazy is that?! Now, I still have a paper due on Thursday for that class and that will definitely be carb depleted quality. But it seems like there is hope for my GPA after all (even though I maintain that doesn't matter to me).

There are a few wrinkles in my competition prep, however. The reason why my picture wasn't taken in my suit last night is because my suit is much to large for me now. I need to get it altered. I called Amy's Alterations today but got a voice mail. I left a message, but haven't gotten a call back. I am nervous because of the holiday this weekend and needing to have this done asap. If it doesn't work out with her I'll bring it to the chinese alterators at the mall....

In other news I have barely lived in my room. My roommate commented earlier that she had seen me only for a brief moment last night since last Thursday. I am trying my best to keep things neat but it's really just like a torando tore it up. Eh, I only live in there for like 6 more weeks anyway - then it is on to bigger, better things in life. One step at a time. One step at a time.

Drumroll Please....

2010-03-29T20:33:00.001-04:00

2 weeks out!

Bite Me.

2010-03-29T06:41:00.005-04:00

You know those mags have the "b*tching it out" section? Yeah, well imagine this is one of those, and this is that section. I have some things I need to let out that I just can't contain anymore.

Get of your f***ing high horse. This is to all you other competitors that want to offer encouragement but who really use it as a vehicle to make yourself look better. When you tell me how I should be feeling 2 weeks out from competition you totally ignore how I really feel. I'll tell you how I should be feeling: however I want to! I am annoyed at the copy-paste style of some people's comments (which I never asked for anyway).
Here's how it goes:
1) Don't feel that way (i.e. being sad or distraught etc), this ought to be fun!
2) I know how you feel because I compete too
3)You chose to do this, so that negates your ability to have negative emotions towards others
4) I am so good at enjoying where I am am [insert example about going out to dinner with friends for some event, thus illustrating self control]
5) Compliment that is really a compliment of myself
5) Talk about food some
6) Good luck!

These backhanded encouragements get to me more than anything else and for good reasons. First off, don't tell me how to feel. I am going to feel however I want. Don't make the assumption that I am taking it out on other people just because I am upset or rant on my blog. I am actually very considerate of the other people around me... this is why I expect them to be considerate of me. Furthermore I know that the "this is your choice" logic is very popular but it is so flawed. Just because I chose to compete does not mean that I somehow gave up the right to be treated kindly and fairly by other people. Here's an analogy: I consider myself a good student and I made the hard choice to be a good student over being a student who parties all the time and disrupts classes in my late-coming and hungover-ness. This choice makes it difficult to fit into my college environment and social setting and makes me super annoyed when peoples' misbehavior affects mine. I've heard time and time again that because I chose not to go the party-route in college that I have no real right to be insulted and annoyed when someone wakes me up at 2am in the morning playing a trumpet. In fact I get told that the responsibility is on me for this choice AND that I am the one who is being inconsiderate of the normal college status-quo. Bite me. Just because I made a choice doesn't give other people license to be absolute morons, just like it doesn't give them the right to act like jerks to me because I am competing.

You do not know how I feel. And guess what? I don't know how you feel either. I have no idea what your life is really like. I don't know what goes on in it outside of training and dieting, and I never make the assumption that I do. Even if your circumstances were super closely aligned with mine you still wouldn't know what it's like. It's great how the common experiences of competing can bring people together, but let's not over-extend this experience. Yes, everyone knows what their lowest and highest moments are in their own training. People can empathize with the difficulty of dieting in a hostile environment as well as the chaos of doing so in a busy life. But seriously I have no idea how hectic or non-hectic your life is. I don't know what your family situation is or your major stress factors. I don't know how you deal with everything and I'm not going to pretend that I do. So please, stop assuming that because you've done a competition or you are doing a competition that you can use that as support for why and how you can tell me what and how to feel. I'm not trying to be all "no one understands me," but seriously I get that you can empathize, just stop using it to give bad unsolicited advice.

As far as how great you are. Good for you. Wallow in your own self worth, but please, I don't really care if you think you are the shit or not. I don't need to hear from you that I shouldn't feel upset when my parents strongarm me into watching them eat cake in front of me just because you decided it was a good idea to go to a friend's special occasion. What do I care that you want to see your friend's special moment - you thought it was worth the pain to sit through it for the sake of your friend. I am pretty sure I was clear that I didn't sit through the cake eating out of my own good-will or volition and I straight-up wouldn't put myself in that situation. As such, do not tell me that I ought to be ok with putting myself in those situations because you are. Good for you Ms. Super Teflon coating, good for you. I am glad that you go around bragging how you never let anyone see you at your lowest or how hard things are - I think that's a great way to perpetuate good mental health habits. What is up with some people in this sport? Why should I hide how hard this is? It's not like showing that I am going crazy or admitting how much things bother me somehow "makes me weak". And even if it DID make me weak why should I care exactly?

IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT THE FOOD. Yes I spend an excessive amount of time thinking about the food, and looking at forbidden foods but it's not because I actually want it. How many times do I have to say that before it sinks into people's skulls? Last time I checked not everyone else was majorly carb depleted, so this shouldn't be an issue. I don't need your little re-hashed script about how "if you had what you thought you wanted now would it really be what you wanted?" and the whole "it won't ever taste as good as you think it does". Uhm when did I ever say that I was laying awake in bed at night tortured by the thought of my forbidden foods? Oh wait, I didn't... that's right, because it's actually the cardio that is totally sucking away my energy. That's what I can't wait to shed myself of: exhaustion.

This is definitely not targeted at the super nice people who are actually supportive and interested. This is towards those people who don't actually want to say something supportive, they just want to wave their little flags on their high-horses. No, you guys are awesome and make me feel really positive, so thanks for helping me. The rest of you please keep your pie-holes shut.

私のそんけしている人

2010-03-28T08:32:00.004-04:00

I am still feeling pretty funky this morning. Yesterday was not bad but it was spent entirely at the library earning the bucks and squeezing in homework assignments. My school motivation is exceptionally low. My friend Jenifer (the one who is going to do my nails) stopped to say hello on her way to responsibly work on a Plato IPA (short paper) that we have due on Thursday. My plan of attack for it? Do it when I have the energy. If that moment doesn't come sooner than later, then the paper gets written later. I am at peace with this and I'll tell you why: because I am a realist. I believed that I attended Wake to be a student. However, at one point during this semester I realized that I am now at Wake to move on into the "real" world. Considering the fact that I am working myself into the ground to earn a buck just to do that, I am not going to be overwhelmed by school in the least. I look around me and realize how little everyone else cares and think "at least I don't care for a good reason". That is my solace. I also take solace in my very good class attendance despite the fact that I am basically incoherent all during class. Good thing I don't have a job that requires me to operate machinery or anything....

This was all in ways of introducing you to my Japanese composition that is due tomorrow and pertains to this competition. Our instructions were to write on our そんけしている人,a person we honor/admire. I wrote mine on Ava Cowan! I thought I'd share it, even though I am doubtful too many people will understand it. If you do understand it and notice errors please email me. I didn't quite comprehend some of sensei's corrections, so there are more than likely a few particle mis-uses.

ワイプルズ・アントニーナ

私のそんけしている人

私はそんけしている人はアーバ・コウェンです。今アーバの職業はフィガ・大会のせんしゅとモデルです。アーバはとてもきれいな女の方だと思います。八月二十一日にカリフォルニアのリーヅクレストでおうまれになりました。今フーロリダのポーパンノ・ベエチアーバでお住みになります。アーバのゆめはじょゆうができることでした。おなりになりたいんでした。でも、カリフォルニアでたくさんの人ははいゆうやじょゆうがなりたいからじょゆうにおなられになりませんでした。２００５年にきれいなおしゃしんをおとりになりました。こちら御しゃしんで有名におなりになりました。有名になった時にアーバはモーダルがなることをおきめになりました。

それから運動の学校にいらっしゃいました。学生の時にフーロリダにお引っこしになりました。学校で運動することの教え方をおならいになりました。二年半後に学校をお卒業なさいました。２００５年二月に大会をお始めになりました。

今たくさん大会けいけんがおありになります。もう強い方ですが、毎日アーバ運動をするようにしていらっしゃいます。もしよく運動とけんこうの食べ物を食べたら一番よいフィガ・せんしゅがおなりになります。

アロノド・スポーツ・エツポで私はアーバとお会いしました。アーバはとてもしんせつな方だしポースターにお名前をお書きになりました。私は「私はアントニーナと申します。アーバ、そんけしている人です。。。私のゆめはアーバみたいな方です」を言いました。アーバは「ありがとうございます。がんばって！」おっしゃいました。アーバと会ってよかったと思います。五週後に私は大会を始めています。大会をかつかどうか分かりません、ですが、しょうらいのために私も毎日運動をするようにしています。

Doughnut Quiz

2010-03-27T11:51:00.003-04:00

You Are a Caramel Crunch Donut

You're a complex creature, and you're guilty of complicating things for fun.

You've been known to sit around pondering the meaning of life...

Or at times, pondering the meaning of your doughnut.

To frost or not to frost? To fill or not to fill? These are your eternal questions.

What Donut Are You?

Blogthings: Learn Something Surprising About Yourself

Please Lock Me Away

2010-03-27T10:20:00.003-04:00

I wish someone would just lock me away because I am going crazy. I am acting in the most unbecoming ways to all the people around me and not even the ones who deserve it, but the ones who have helped me the most. I hate using the excuse that I can't control it, but I honestly can't. I am trying so hard to have the energy to function and so hard to have the energy to smile, to hold a conversation, to convey any emotion other than pure frustration. But things are so, so frustrating. Little things like tying my shoes, closing a window, putting away a dish, or zipping up my backpack. Walking up a flight of stairs is like sending me to the guillotine. I can feel my sense of humor evaporating along with what little sweat hasn't encrusted itself on my body. Maybe if there was more I could have an exoskeleton to keep out all the bad feelings (or keep them in and not effecting others). I hate how I am treating people right now - I am being the major B word. I made Sarah really upset at dinner last night by being completely selfish and insensitive when I was majorly overdefensive about my food. She reminded me that although I have a lot of sh*t going on in my life right now, so does everyone else. I know, and that's why I suck as a person - because although I can resist bad foods, and force myself to do hours of cardio and weight training on top of my hectic life - I can't bring myself to stop being pissed off at everybody and everything. I keep looking to the spiritual for help: praying on the treadmill, giving my will over to the father... but I can't seem to get out of this funk. My best times are right after a meal but even now that is very short lived. My potato on Friday nights used to keep me wired for hours, but last night the effect was very dulled - it gave me the energy to be a "5" on a scale where 10 is feeling totally "normal." I'd say pre-potato I was at a -5. Yesterday when I got off work at 4pm Jamey and I went shopping for my 2-weeks out diet (which starts tomorrow) and I was so far gone. The super nice man at the Fresh Market who often helps me with my turkey order tried to have a conversation with me and I was just totally spaced out - I kept apologizing for being so anti-social but he must have thought I was a jerk. I thought I was going to cry when I saw how much everything cost. Food prices are up and I'm pinching every last penny, but I can't seem to catch a break. Money isn't something I've talked much at all about on this blog other than to say that I work a lot to get it and that my parents are not financially supportive of me. I always assumed people could just infer that I am broke and only spend money on competition related expenses. As far as personal items go: shampoos, lotions, clothing, etc I do not buy anything unless it is directly connected to the competition. It's just food and supplements for me and paying Jill and Kim, plus living expenses. I am terrified to do my taxes because I probably owe the government even though I really feel like I ought to be able to keep my measly little dollars. If I have to pay then I'll probably be living off my credit card for a while here, and that's no good. I try not to have panic attacks about money because I know that I'm working my very hardest and taking as many shifts as possible wherever I can... but I guess I'm just the working poor for now. And yes, I'll probably be that way for a while whether or not I have a BA from WFU. That being said, I am a master of saving a buck, cutting corners, and finding the best deals and I think that's a good life skill to have.

BUT let's look at some positive things for a little bit. First, I am blessed to even do a competition and to have the trainers in my life that I do have. I have really supportive friends who love me and will continue to love me despite the fact that I am bat-sh*t crazy 2 weeks away from my competition. Thank you for understanding that it takes 4 months of intense physical activity and stringent diet on top of an already stretched-thin lifestyle to make me this way.

There are many people who ARE "on my side" despite the fact that I act paranoid like everyone is against me even when I know that's not true. Ugh. I keep getting sweet emails and messages from people telling me to "hang in there" and that I'm almost there. Thank you so, so, so much for these! Thanks to Colleen (sorry if I spelt that wrong?) from ZSR ILL for the pack of gum you left with Heather - mmm peppermint. I've started rationing myself gum recently it's just too expensive to go through it like I do. Thank you to Kay Lynn for my Starbucks gift card - I got a green tea mid-day yesterday and it was mighty tasty and much needed.

Sent via email:
So I just wanted to say that - creepy or not, even if this email serves to put a small smile on your face, then that's enough - you certainly are very inspiring. Your sheer determination, drive, incredible time management, belief in yourself and your endless potential, and beast-like tenacity are truly out of this world! I cannot help being inspired by you, and I don't even know you! -V.A.

The one above made me feel so small and so ungrateful towards the generosity of spirit that people have offered to me. I know that I am being hard on myself, but I need to be hard on myself to correct this sort of selfish behavior for next time. I know I can't be perfect and I know I won't always be able to treat everyone like they deserve to be treated, but if I am asking people to be considerate of me I really need to up my consideration of other people. This is the reason for the title of this post: Please Lock Me Away. One, because I feel like unless I am isolated I am not going to be able to stop this bad behavior (although I am trying to because obviously I am not locked away). Two, because in some ways I already feel locked away. My friend Keith mentioned to me a while back that one of the reasons that this is so hard is because it makes you focus so much on your body and how you feel that it resembles torture. He noted that torture works because you become trapped in the physicality of your body and you cannot escape. I cannot escape. Even sleep isn't restful anymore - it's just enough for me to function, but really not too much more. I'm still waking up a bunch and not getting into deep enough cycles... my body has stopped allowing me to get a full 7-8 hours (which is what I was getting) and has started waking me up at 2am. I really want to take naps - I took one the other day and it really helped, but there isn't any time in the day. After my Tuesday nap (which I skipped art TA to have) a friend commented "you should get a nap everyday, you'd feel so much better." I tried not to react badly to this, but how can I make it more clear that I have no time? It's not even a matter of trying to be perfect, I just have to work to make money. I do HW in between classes and at work whenever I can, but I am going to be honest (even though I know some of my profs read this), that I have not been putting forth my best effort when it comes to my readings, my papers, or my assignments. I am doing the bare-minimum and I'm over the guilt because I have to be over it - I am scraping by. Just scraping by. As long as I maintain my grade in Japanese I will graduate just like planned (5 weeks 'til the last day of classes!).

I am trying to revert back to my primary "be here now" survival tactics because whenever I start thinking about the future (especially in terms of money) I just start feeling like I am drowning. I am trying to accomplish what I need when I need to do it and just be happy with that. I know that the last 4 weeks of competition prep are supposed to be the hardest, but whoooo are they hard. I just want to turn off my brain and stop being so paranoid, stop doubting myself and everyone around me. I want to ENJOY THIS MOMENT... but it almost takes too much energy.

I am addicted to the internet. It is easier to communicate via this vehicle than real conversation. Talking in person involves on-the-fly coming up with real sentences and coherent topics. Via the internet I can take 2 hours to write one thought and no one is the wiser. I can also enjoy the support of my friends without flying into my aforementioned fits of anger and fury. I can lustily read blogs of people who are doughnut connoisseurs... like I said, I'm going crazy. Please lock me away.