"It's a lifestyle, not an event"

"It's a lifestyle, not an event" - I heard someone say this at a family get together this Saturday and it completely summarized what I've been thinking and feeling.

This last month has been an absolute blur. It started off in whirl with Jamey and I packing up from Utah and making a week's trek back across the USA... camping. At this point in time I was still convinced that I was going to compete and do the Arnold in May. After a week of eating half rotten food out of coolers from the back of the car and stopping every twenty minutes to pee on the side of the road (I can now do it without getting my shoes, ask me for pointers if you need to, ladies), and hiking down & up the grand canyon (and sleeping on rocks) on a figure diet... I knew it was a sign from God that I could not sustain this lifestyle. And why should I? Figure isn't fitness and it isn't even fat loss. I firmly believe that you can look just as good off stage as on stage and I'm embracing this new found belief.

In fact, this past month I have been all about creative clean eating and I'm reaping in the results. Without the stress & pressure of the stage I am starting to enjoy going to the gym again and even don't terribly mind my self-imposed cardio. I even discovered that I love hiking. After our 3,000 vertical feet descent into the Grand Canyon, camping out on a plateau with other hardcore hikers (did I mention we slept on a rock?) and then ascending the next day... I found the secret endurance I've been hiding from myself. I feel so lucky to have seen so many beautiful sights and done so many great things that I would have missed out on this summer if I had been tethered to a figure diet/prep routine.

I am all about FUNCTIONALITY now! I've figured out all sorts of little tricks to keep me eating clean. It's so easy when you're not obsessed with grams of this and grams of that. Sure, I might not be NPC nationals physique quality anytime soon... but I still look hot & I'm on the way to my skinny jeans all over again. This time I'm smiling, laughing, and getting to spend time with the people I love.

AND I have newly discovered energy for many things that I love and had to put to the side when I was competing. I decided to get back into my art and did a lot of nifty sketches during my travels. I even illustrated the cover for the new My Gym Fitness for Kids 6-pack that just came out and was featured in family circle magazine. Oh, and the MGF at Home for which I modeled is also out. I feel like a super star. Getting back into art helped me rediscover a whole side of me that was itching to come out and play. I've even decided to go to graduate school and get my MFA in a few years (yes I still need some down time from school). I also have energy for the new puppy that will be coming into Jamey and my life in about 4 weeks. Our little buddy "tickles" is a bull mastiff pup who won't be little for too long. He'll be a great motivator in the mornings and evenings when he wants a roam around the new neighborhood that Jamey and I will be moving into next weekend.

We've procured ourselves a quiet little corner of the world in eastern Tennessee on about 7 acres of land with a big fenced in backyard and lots of privacy. We have farmer neighbors who will come in handy when I need advice on how to raise the coup of chickens I will be rearing in the next year (rhode island reds!). Jamey is going to build me a custom chicken house :) Eventually we'd like to have some goats too in our little healthy haven. You best believe there is a lot of gardening space too. It's sustainable, healthy, and clean living all around for us as we start this super exciting new chapter of our lives.

I still can't believe I'm not in school like many of my friends and siblings. I'm also getting used to not having a billion jobs, and I really miss that! I've been job searching my little (ok, it is SO NOT little) butt off the last month and still searching.... just looking for a few part time jobs until I go back to school (I know I'd become obsessed with a "real" job). Right now the Piercing Pagoda at the Johnson City Mall is looking very promising.

Now that my life isn't in turbo drive I should be able to post more regularly about my little adventures. Trust me, there is still tons of fitNasti moments in my life (I am sure there are in yours too).

Where you are & where you are going to be

If there's one thing I've learned this summer it's that no matter where you are or where you are going to be, you need to be about YOU. I think it's really unfortunate that unless you live in a particularly protected life you need to beware of people who want to take advantage of you. If you are young and sweet and putting yourself "out there" (like lifting like a maniac in the gym) people will notice and even though it sounds jaded, you're probably someone's target.

Well I'm tired of being a target & while I don't want to be perceived as a biatch I also know that perception isn't actuality and so if you make me put on my mean face you've probably done sometting significantly innappropriate.

Like what is up with these trainers at the Gold's gym here in SLC? I have seen some of the most unprofessional behavior especially from the male trainers. It's like training is just a conduit to getting some play. I've watched as trainers prey upon the insecurities of their young female clients - waving bodyfat% and the scale in front of their faces as "motivation" as they workout. I overheard one guy prying information about a girl's sex life in between sets. She clearly was already intimidated... you think she's going to want to go back to the gym? And then there are the ones who pull up their shirts to show of their abs & point to what they are using. So gross. What happened to training someone for fitness & wellness? I guess it's just secondary to looking cool and getting laid. Whoa, mature & someone I want as my role model.

And that just brings me to my most recent annoyance, people who want to get in shape... I mean just want to LOOK like they are in shape and not have to work to get there. The only reason they even want to look like that is to get a little action. Really? I hope when I get to NC I can leave these sort of people behind for good. Because the next person who messes with me isn't going to like what happens.

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End of Week Two

Ok, so my internet out in the west is completely useless which makes my life utterly dull 90% of the time. This little adventure to the land o' boring has left me stir crazy, pissy, and annoyed most of the day. That's because most of my day is spent cramped in my little room running out of books to read. Right now I am down to the choice between a barfmygutsout cheesy summer read that I'm already 25% done with, OR contemporary art theory. Ugh. I hate not having a job, friends in the area, frenemies in the area, or basically anyone to hang out with who doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes out (like the dude who told me he was doing a figure show in Nov and I asked him when his sex change was going to be - poser)

I've been going to this gym that apparently is the Mecca for college students wanting to strut their stuff. Never before have I seen so much eyeliner outside of a Bobby Brown mall booth. Also there are a few women there who clearly compete and think they are hoooott shiiitt. Well good for them, I guess that's totally deserved. I, however, look like a tool in my neoprene belt with weight lifting belt combo (I totally trust this will keep my waist itty bitty but I still hate how it further highlights my lameness). No one should question my dedication as I lug around my little purple & green shimmery medicine balls to do my grueling ab routine with every day. I am really proud of the progress I've made with that so quickly. Last show I barely did any ab work & this one I am killing it. Since I was pretty happy with my ab development last time I'm pretty sure this will be retardly good ;)

However I still get anxious every day before I hit the gym. Not sure why, maybe it's the embarassing 20lbs I have to lose before next show. I know I look great, but when I see those other show-ready girls flaunting their stuff I can't help feeling insecure.

It also doesn't help that I have noooothing to do. It's been the summer of waiting on Jamey to get off fires (which is super infrequent) and having plans fall through. That's why I am so determined to do this prep right. No more zombie, I refuse to feel sick all the freaking time. I have 6 months to ease into my show shape and I'm in 100% despite the scared little self that peeps out everytime I show up at the gym.

Progress is keeping me focused. I was able to put on a lot of muscle again from last show, where I am fairly sure my body became extremely catabollic & I got scrawny, not ripped. Sure I had muscles & some definition, but I was wasting away, not getting where I needed to be. But now, even 2 weeks in I can see changes. My pants are feeling a little loose, I can see and feel where all my tie-ins on my legs are going to be. My legs are going to be shredded. I can already see the multiple levels of muscle under the layer of cellulite ;) AND there are craaaazy veins just floating under my skin. I can see them all, it's only a matter of a few pounds before they all pop. They are everywhere too, from my legs all the way up to my arms & shoulders. I think ab veins might even happen!

This is the main thing going for me when I feel self conscious, embarassed, and fearful about being able to do this right (not get sick). Veininess is almost here!

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Tales From The Frontline

Yes, my first day back with the pack (so to speak) was an eventful one. First, waking up at 5am and walking through my older brother's semi-sketchy San Jose CA neighborhood all the way to the 24 Hr fitness was a little unnerving. It's one thing to walk the 15 min to the WFU Miller Center on the secured campus (which is not fun btw) and a whole other thing to wander through streets you do not know (where at least 75% of the populous thinks you look like a good target for a whistle/hassling). But, I overcame my general fear and did it anyway.

Then at the 24 hr I had to buy a day pass (for obvious travel related reasons) and learn the lay of the land. My primary target was the stairmaster. Once upon the good old SM (yes I think that's completely appropriate) I tried my hardest to climb at level 4 for 2 minutes and sprint for 3 minutes. So yeah, my sprinting isn't as up and up as it used to be (maybe it's all the butt weight that I am dragging along behind)... that and my mucus-filled lungs. I'm probably allergic to the West (and not out here long enough to properly adjust). As I strutted my stuff in my swanky new neoprene belt I definitely was the coolest and sexiest girl around. I did my BEST. It was not perfect. I am 100% good with that. I'm not going to get obsessive and self defeating about that either. I gave myself a big high 5 for how hard I worked it ;)

Then there was the adventure to the ONLY store around which carried flank steak (Safeway what are you thinking not carrying it?! Whole Foods wasn't getting any new in until today!). So I walked all the way there (about a 1.5 hour walk) and all the way back, just to make this diet happen. And then I cooked it, packaged and got ready for gym round 2 which lasted 1 grueling hour of medium weight high rep leg torture followed by 15 minutes of ab murder all while wearing my neoprene belt of wonder layered under a weight lifting belt. Oh, and I was drenched from head to toe in sweat by the time I was done. IT'S CA PEOPLE! Me looking weird shouldn't have gotten so many strange looks... I would think they'd be used to this stuff by now. (This does not bode well for red state UT)

Shazaam. I did it. I finished day one. Totally accomplished ;) Half a year is going to fly by! Stay tuned for my adventures via plane to Salt Lake City happening as I type this post.

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Let the competition prep begin!

So today I downloaded the blogger app to my android phone which means that I have way more incentive to waste time on my phone updating you on the mundane... I mean, magical things in my life.

Tomorrow I start contest prep for the Arnold Amateur & as soon as I am able I will send in my entry form & money :) Excitement (and annoyance because here there are no operational wachovias to get money orders at). But in anycase, I am super excited. I finally have some real structure again in my life... something to wake up to and something to keep me going. Transitioning from school to unemployment really bites. I miss the go, go, go!

Anyway, I ended up staying in CA visiting my brother almost a full week longer than I intended to, so first day of prep is out here, second day is admist travel, third & continuing til Oct is in SLC, then travel back home! I have a feeling there will be some definate fitnasti moments happening ;)

Note the food a'grillin' at Thomas' house.

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A Big Ol' Chunk o' My life Summarized

So here's what happened this summer:

• Graduated
• Planned on doing another show but didn't
• Taught Governor's School
• Visited NYC with my Aunt Laura
• Drove 33 hours to Utah in 2 days
• Got majorly sick from the altitude and sagebrush allergies
• Moved to the "House of Fitness"
• Convinced the HOF people to get into tire flipping
• Got a Sandbag from Brute Force (which is currently in UT while I am...)
• Visiting Thomas in San Jose via the California Zephyr Amtrak (Oh, and there was a mini-trip with Jamey to Yellowstone and Jackson Hole pre-CA trip... I saw some yummy bison)
• Experienced the sites in San Fransisco and wishing I could move here and be a starving artist

BUT we all know that can't happen because SUPER SOON I will begin my loooong road to the Arnold Amateur in March 2010. Who knows what will happen. It could be very nasti, I could be very awesome. I have a feeling it will be a combination of the both. All I know is that after about a 6 month hiatus from my last show I am so ready for this! I have the drive, the willpower, and the desire to do this and do it right. I'm super excited!

Get Your Happy On. Or Else.

Ever wake up and realize that your life has you by the reigns and not the opposite way around? I've realized recently that as this summer has progressed and I've taken time away from the figure world, I've taken time away from myself. There are critics who like to complain that physique competition is an inherently selfish pursuit - but I'd like to say, "what about it?"

When you're driven like you have to be driven to do a show... and you're "balls to the walls" as Kim would say, you just don't have time for other people's control shows. Since I've been out here in Utah I've been confronted with the sad reality that you look out for yourself. It'd be nice to say it ain't so, but it is. No one is going to encourage you to go to the gym everyday, to do that grueling cardio (with added altitude sickness), pump that iron, or eat the right way. In fact, if there's one thing I've learned from clean living and body consciousness is that people are threatened by someone with clearly defined goals, a sense of self, and an over all purpose.

What is this control game that everyone wants to play? When you control your own life you do not have to play by other people's rules. You can look them squarely in the eyes and say "no". You can ignore them, betray them, embrace them, whatever you choose you can say you did the right thing... because you know what's right for you. When you lose that sense of self, that sense of purpose, that drive, that need to be yourself, that's when people start taking advantage of you. Never be afraid to lose something outside yourself. You are the most precious thing you have. You have to live with yourself and your body for the rest of your life. Other people can blame you, shame you, and game you... but in the end it's up to YOU.

Surround yourself with the positive. Ignore regret. Regret is a useless emotion, it does not teach us to strive, to love, to laugh. It teaches caution and self-pity. Regret should be replaced by forgiveness. When you forgive yourself and others, you enable yourself to embrace all your faults and failings and say "this will not define me." Be friends with smiling faces. Never force connections with people you don't like, want, or need because you think you "have to." You don't. Inform your perceptions of the world around you. Anything and everything is possible. You are in control. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

If you are sad, mad, or troubled hold on to that feeling and remember the details. Where you are, why you feel that way, and what you can do about it. Do not blame yourself. Don't blame anyone else. Take the necessary steps to get yourself up and out of that place, but don't forget it. Everytime something great happens to you remember that moment! Look at how far you've come and let the joy envelope your soul.

Tell people how great you are! This isn't BRAGGING! This is the TRUTH. If you think you are beautiful, act it! If you think you are smart, talk about it! Don't let the YOU inside you fail to shine out. If you don't think you are something that you want to be... ignore that thought. Everyday you wake up, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself exactly what you are: I am beautiful, I am special, I deserve the world and more. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

If all else fails: pray. That's right. Get down on those knees and let the Lord's grace pass through you. He thinks you are the best thing ever. It's about time you start thinking it too.